


In my veins

by Larrylover3000



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Alec likes to paint, Cute Alec, Enemies to Lovers, Happy Ending, Hurt Magnus, M/M, Magnus is in love with Alec, Malec hate each other, Mysterious Magnus, They study medicine, haunting past
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-06
Updated: 2020-11-24
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:07:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 47,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27417751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Larrylover3000/pseuds/Larrylover3000
Summary: “Did you hear what I just said?” Magnus asked.“Yes, I did. But I don’t feel like having this talk right now.” Alec took out an extra cup even though he hadn’t gotten an answer to the question. A deep sigh left the older one’s lips at the words and Alec continued, saying, “We’re not even supposed to talk about these things, we’re supposed to just-”“I’m so tired of you telling me what we’re supposed to do. Obviously, we need to talk it through,” Magnus interrupted, a sudden spark of frustration having found its way to his words.-----Or the human AU where Alec and Magnus hate each other. While Alec struggles to get through medical school, the perfect Magnus Bane has his whole life figured out. Or so Alec thought, until the two are forced to do an anatomy project together and Alec realizes that the annoyingly perfect boy has secrets. Secrets that aren’t as pretty as the boy himself.
Relationships: Magnus Bane & Alec Lightwood, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 72
Kudos: 274





	1. In my veins

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, so this story is finally ready to be published. I will post a new chapter every other day and I'm really excited about this! Also, I tried drawing a cover haha (my very first one), maybe I'll add a few more drawings throughout the story - I'm not sure yet. Xx


	2. Stuck

Breakfast was almost put aside as Alec stormed inside the door of his childhood home, sweat running down his face from the few blocks he had had to run to get there. He hated having to park around here, it was always impossible to find a spot close by and now he was late again, already fearing his mother’s strict gaze and father’s dissatisfied look.

“Sorry for being late,” he hurried to apologize as he walked inside, hanging his jacket behind the door and placing the shoes neatly underneath. He didn’t want them to have anything else to be mad about, he knew them too well. There were plenty already. His heart was racing in his chest, cheeks burning with heat. “I couldn’t find a place to park.”

“I sure hope you don’t just show up whenever you feel like it in school too, Alexander,” his father said in his usual blameful tone, eyes only shortly looking up from behind the newspaper he held in his hands. He was starting to look so old, as if his forehead was constantly put in a frown. 

“Don’t worry, I know Alec is really punctual when it comes to his school,” his sister was quick to help, she pushed a plate towards a seat and gestured for her brother to take it. “I saved you some breakfast.” 

Alec was very thankful for her still living at home and always being there whenever he had to come by for breakfast and ‘a quick talk’. Dealing with his parents on his own scared him more than anything. Especially on a day like this one, he could already see the scene play out inside his mind. Izzy seemed to know exactly what was going through his head and offered a soft smile as her brother sat down.

He looked down at the fried eggs, figuring they would be completely cold by now and suddenly lost all appetite. Maybe he just needed to catch his breath and get a bit used to the tense atmosphere that always seemed to be all over the small kitchen. 

It honestly made no sense to him why his father was always this angry. Alec had done everything the man wanted him to do, had changed his life completely and given up on everything just to satisfy the unsatisfiable man. But for Robert Lightwood only the absolute best was good enough, so he dared to just sit there in his chair at the far end of the table and straighten his newspaper every other second with a loud noise, saying nothing.

“So…” Alec spoke eventually, having picked up his fork to play with the eggs on the plate. “You wanted to talk to me?” He cut off a small piece and tasted it testingly. It tasted awful and he did his best not to let it show, swallowing the piece though his body wanted to resist. 

Isabelle’s eyes were following the scene carefully from the sideline, her fingers playing with the long, black hair and turning it nervously. She looked exactly like their mother when she did that, Alec thought. 

“I was ready to talk about half an hour ago,” Robert Lightwood said in his steady and toneless Robert Lightwood voice that Alec knew oh so well. He didn’t even look at his son, he kept his eyes on some meaningless article that he probably wasn’t reading anyways. 

Alec sighed. “I’m very sorry about that, but I am ready to listen now,” he tried. Izzy sent him a face that said  _ he is grumpy, huh?  _ and her brother nodded in agreement, putting on a frown as if mimicking their dad. Back when they were younger this language had almost been the only one they had known. And Jace made the best impressions, he was able to talk exactly like their father and knew how to pronounce the words to make them sound as if they were coming from the man himself. 

Finally, Robert closed the newspaper and folded it neatly, placing it on the table. His hands folded in his lap. Alec tensed underneath the gaze his father was piercing him with, feeling as if it was cutting right through him. 

“I hear you managed to fail Heart and Lungs.” Alec had known that this was why Robert had wanted to talk to him even before the man had asked him to come. He had feared the moment ever since the second he had stepped out from the exam with an unsettled feeling in his body. It was like his father refused to acknowledge that medical school was very difficult for Alec and that he tried his best. 

The dark haired boy seeked help from his sister opposite of the table, but her eyes had darted away. What was she going to do about this anyways? Whatever she had to say, their dad wouldn’t hear it, so Alec was on his own. 

“Yes,” he just stated, sounding stupid and naive. “I tried my best. But I’m sure I’ll pass the next one.”

“The next one.” His father dragged out the words, a certain tone of irony to his voice as he spoke. He snorted, causing a wave of self loathing to go through the tall boy’s body. A sensation that always seemed to be all over him whenever he was in his father’s presence.

“But you did pretty good on the chemistry test, right?” Izzy couldn’t help but comment even if it was useless. Thank god that Alec had her and that she was here right now, it was all that kept him from breaking underneath the stare his dad sent him. 

“Yeah, I got a B. I mean, it’s pretty alright. And the Heart and Lungs exam was really tough, a lot of people failed. I’m sure I’ll nail it at the next-” Alec ranted on but his dad cut him short. 

“Stop talking, Alexander.” So Alec did, his heart tightening at the way his name fell from his father’s lips. He hated it. Only two people addressed him that way and both did it with dripping dislike in their voices. One was his father and the other one was the boy he didn’t like to think about, because it would make his blood pump violently through his blood vessels with anger. 

His father had nothing else to say. He hadn’t wanted to talk to Alec, really, had just wanted the boy to sit there while humiliating him and making it absolutely clear to him that he was nowhere near proud of him. Not that it came as a surprise, but it still hurt.

Quickly, Alec was finishing up the last bit of cold breakfast and murmuring a quick “thank you” to his sister before leaving the house again. The cold air between the two men was freezing once he put on his jacket and shoes, avoiding his father’s gaze and leaving with a small “goodbye” as he walked out the door.

There was no point in just sitting around, wasting time. He was already more than far behind and had a lot to catch up with. A heavy sigh ripped itself from his throat as he realized exactly how busy the next two months were going to get. 

The failed exam only meant an extra exam alongside the other ones, and they were about to start anatomy class additionally. The thought had his nerves twitching, uncomfortableness spreading in his tall body.

There were a lot of books he had to renew or pick up from the library, so he decided to swing by on his way home. School wasn’t starting again for another week and students were enjoying the short time off in the last bit of sunlight the autumn weather had to offer. It left the school alarmingly empty.

Alec’s mind was everywhere but present as he walked down the endless hallways with his father’s voice resounding in his head, blood pumping quickly as he hurried to the school library. He just hoped that all the books wouldn’t be taken by now - he needed them desperately. Otherwise he’d have to ask Jace for help again, and it just didn’t do any of them good. They would start fighting and scream at each other, Jace because he didn’t understand how Alec couldn’t just  _ get it,  _ and Alec because… well, how was Jace so smart? It wasn’t fair when he struggled so much himself. 

All that had kept the two brothers from ripping each other’s faces off were Clary’s encouraging words she always sent Alec’s way and the strict lectures she would give her boyfriend whenever he was being too harsh on his own brother. It kept them both sane. Alec loved the girl. 

The library was just as empty and lonely, the usually occupied sofa groups and tables were collecting dust - even the one by the window with the great view. The pressure in Alec’s body grew slightly at the sight, for some reason it made him feel a little sad. 

He hurried to find the section with the medical books, picking out a few before realising that  _ The Big Anatomy _ was missing. And shit, that was probably the most important one - of course people had been hurrying to get to it, it shouldn’t even have come as a surprise to him. The panic spread in his body like a fire, his dad’s piercing gaze on his mind.

His thoughts were everywhere as he found a computer, checking to see when it would be back.  _ Weird,  _ he thought as he realized that one copy was supposed to still be at the library. He was sure it hadn’t been there, positive, but went to check anyways just to be confirmed. 

So he started searching. He went through all the shelves where it could have been put by mistake and tried to locate it, but found nothing. He checked the psychology section, the history section and just as he turned to check out the filosofi one, he was met by a tall, lean figure - a dark-haired man with his head hovering over a book that rested on the table before him.  _ The  _ book _.  _ The boy didn’t even see Alec coming. 

“You’re kidding, right?” Alec asked, voice dripping with annoyance. It just couldn’t be right that everything was to go the wrong way today. He deserved at least some good things to happen in his life. 

The man was taken by surprise, jumping slightly as he turned to meet Alec’s eyes and then it dawned on him.

“Alexander,” he said calmly, a smirk forming on his face slowly. It hardly even came as a surprise to Alec, because of course Magnus Bane would be here now with his head deep in a book. Magnus, with his perfect face and annoyingly pretty eyes, sending a hateful look. Magnus, who had probably never tried to feel any kind of resistance in life, because all he did was perfect, and everywhere he went, people adored him. 

In some ways he reminded Alec a little bit of Jace. But mostly because he felt this kind of jealousy towards both of them. It was just different with Magnus, because perfectioness was shining from him in a way that made it impossible to overlook. It blinded Alec, made his heart twitch in a certain way. 

Maybe Alec would have liked Magnus if it hadn’t been for that. But it had never been an option for him, and he knew this strong dislike was a mutual thing. 

The smug, perfect and arrogant boy before him had hated Alec since the day the two of them had met, a hate that showed on his face in clear waves whenever they would look at each other. It was so obvious that he felt better than Alec, that he saw himself as a higher person. Anger was starting to boil in Alec’s chest already.

“Magnus,” he stated, voice coming from somewhere in the very back of his throat. 

“I wasn’t expecting someone like you at the library.” 

_ Someone like you.  _ He might as well have hit Alec or kicked him to the ground just to stamp on him. The way the words fell from his lips was poisonous, and they both knew exactly what  _ someone like you  _ really meant. Alec just hated to think about it, because it made him feel so worthless and stupid, like he was never good enough.

Once, Jace had asked Alec to stop being so sensitive. It had been a specifically tough day and Alec had been called out to answer something at a lecture. With a dry throat he had tried to stammer out an answer, humiliating himself in the process, feeling suddenly paralyzed by embarrassment. As the whole world had blacked out around him and pressure had started to build in his throat, a threatening lump, he had heard something. A snort from someone a couple of seats closer to the blackboard.

Afterwards, Magnus had come up to him with an unsatisfied look on his face and had said coldly: “At least pretend like you enjoy being here. People like you seriously drain my motivation.” 

And all Jace had seemed to think was that Alec was  _ sensitive  _ while ranting about how sweet and funny Magnus really was once you got to know him. Alec remembered how he had fought to hold back tears. 

“I’m already regretting coming here,” Alec shot back, narrowing his eyes at the boy as if challenging him. He tried his best not to let his emotions show. “And I guess you aren’t going to put back that book when you’re done with it?”

The words made the man smirk, his golden eyes lightening up. Even his goddamn eyeliner was made perfectly, looking stunningly against his golden-brown, smooth skin. “Why? Do you want it?” he asked. 

“Of course I want it, you idiot.” Alec wasn’t having the arrogant look on Magnus’ face. It prickled in his fingers to do something about it, to show him that he wasn’t as damn good as he thought (even though he was), but he didn’t even know what that would be. 

“Well, maybe I’ll put it back - I haven’t really decided yet,” the idiot said like some cryptic goddess, crossing his legs so his pants stretched and showed off some of the skin on his ankle.  _ Damn it.  _

So Alec was supposed to come back with a replica with fire burning behind it, but instead he stood there, paralyzed by Magnus’ ankle for a short second before clearing his throat and taking the seat opposite from the boy. He hated having to do this.

“What are you doing?” Magnus asked confusedly as Alec pulled off his jacket, getting comfortable. When he narrowed his eyes like that he looked kind of like a cat with his piercing, golden eyes and neat-looking features. 

“Well, if I want to still be alive in 3 months, I need that book. So I’m waiting for you to decide.” It was more true than anything, there was no point in lying. Anger still went through his system, flowing with his blood, but despite how much he disliked the cat-like boy, it was nothing compared to how much he feared his father. He had to just swallow his pride and sit there, waiting. 

“I don’t understand,” Magnus said as his gaze flickered. For a second he looked a little bit…  _ Soft. _

Alec ignored it, saying, “Well well, is there really something the great Magnus Bane doesn’t understand? That must be a first, huh?” The irony hung like a thick cloud around the words and instantly, the softness was gone, replaced by the usual smirk and dark, testing eyes. 

“Oh, don’t be so obvious about your jealousy, Alexander. It doesn’t look good on you,” he said, snapping back and the words went straight through Alec like a gunshot. He did his best not to let it show, face forced into a cold look with freezing, blue eyes. 

“Arrogance doesn’t exactly fit you, either. Not that I was expecting anything less.”

Magnus clenched his jaw momentarily, holding back something - probably a comeback that would have hurt Alec, so he was thankful for the hateful smile he got instead as Magnus turned back to look in the book. His hair fell into his face, caressing it with softness. People like Magnus weren't supposed to have such perfect hair, mean people weren’t supposed to look warm and safe and absolutely  _ gorgeous.  _

“Are you just going to stare at me until I’m done?” Magnus said without even looking, turning a page as he spoke. His slim fingers rested on the book, nails painted a matt black. Mostly, they were painted like that and it wasn’t like Alec had been staring at Magnus’ long fingers before, it was just that he had… noticed. 

“Maybe,” the blue eyed boy stated. 

“Well, I find that annoying. Go hand in that book or something.” Magnus was nodding towards the book Alec had brought from home, the title reading  _ Heart and Lungs _ . It was on the table, had been put there a moment ago and wow, Magnus was misunderstanding something. But of course, why else would Alec be bringing the book from last semester to the library? He debated whether or not to tell the man that it just needed to be renewed, but it would be like feeding the tiger his very own hand.

“Just focus on your own things, alright?” he ended up saying, not wanting to give Magnus more reason to hate him. And why did Magnus even care so much about Alec being a good student? For some reason he did, he cared so deeply about it that it would piss him off whenever Alec said something stupid. His eyes would burn with anger. Was it hurting him in any way that Alec was having a tough time, embarrassing himself in front of everybody by never knowing anything? Apparently it was, but Alec just didn’t get it. 

“You’ve ruined my mood, now,” Magnus said dryly. He looked up from the book. “Can’t I just read a goddamn anatomy book at the library without you having to sit there and stare at me?”

“I’m not staring at you. And don’t think I enjoy this. I know you think you’re perfect and that everybody adores you, but I really don’t. I’m so sick of your damn arrogance,” Alec answered coldly. 

Magnus widened his eyes momentarily, shifting in the chair. “You want to talk about arrogance? I know  _ people like you.  _ You let your parents pay for your education and then you torture us all by showing up to the lectures with those sluggish looks on your faces.”

“Oh right, I forgot. The great Magnus Bane doesn’t like people who don’t get good grades. Which, of course, is a totally legit reason not to like people.” The smile on Alec’s face was dripping with sarcasm, the words fell from his lips almost without Alec thinking them through. Truth was, it wasn’t people in general, it was just Alec. And that was what pissed him off the most, because he had never given Magnus any reason not to like him.

“I know you are dying for my acceptance, no need to make it that clear,” the idiot said with that certain smirk on his face. It always got to Alec in some way, made his heart beat suddenly fast and palms feel suddenly sweaty.

“Oh sweetie, don’t flatter yourself,” he said steadily, laughing dryly. “It might come as a surprise to you, but I really couldn’t care less about your opinion.” Which was a lie, but the boy managed it pretty well, sounding convincive with his toneless voice and dead stare.

Magnus had no expression on his face, not even the slightest smirk or a hint of annoyance. He was looking at Alec intensely in a way that had Alec’s throat tighten. The golden eyes were so well-known and often the two boys would catch each other’s eyes from opposite ends of the classroom just to send a hateful look. They had this burning fire behind them, revealing Magnus’ anger and frustrations and… maybe something else, too. 

Right then, they burned brightly as the older boy closed the book with a loud slam and got up so quickly that Alec almost couldn’t follow his movements. “Just take it,” Magnus said as he pushed the book towards the other boy and Alec frowned, confused, trying to catch onto what was happening. Before he managed, Magnus was gone.

\--------

Clary placed a cup of tea in front of Alec, sitting down next to him on the small, purple couch in the living room. 

“Don’t worry, he’ll be fine again, Alec,” Jace said from across the small table, having just listened to Alec’s rant about their father and how he had called Alec over just to humiliate him. Jace tried with a soft smile, taking a testing sip from the cup of coffee Clary had just made him. Apparently, it was still too hot, because he made a weird face. 

“I don’t even know how I am supposed to manage both Heart and Lungs and Anatomy at the same time.” Alec sighed deeply, leaning back on the couch. He both hated the color of it and loved it at the same time. It was Clary’s touch to Jace’s boring black and grey furniture that had once filled the apartment, the redhead loved to mix it up a little. 

“If it gets too much you can always come by. I’ll help you through it,” Jace said supportingly.

“But only if I’m here, alright?” Clary added. “I don’t want the two of you to rip off each other’s heads while I’m out.”

“Come on, honey, we’re nothing like that,” Jace tried to argue, but shut his mouth as the redhead raised her brow at him, sending him a serious look. Truth was, they were exactly like that. 

“Thanks Jace, but…” Alec searched for words, feeling uncomfortable whenever he had to think about the next couple of months. “I think I’m just gonna have to try on my own. If I can’t even do this, I don’t deserve to be a doctor.”

“Oh, don’t say that, Alec. Don’t let Robert’s words get to you,” Clary said with sympathy in her voice, placing a supportive hand on Alec’s arm and it actually helped a little bit. 

“I just feel so sorry for Izzy. Imagine dealing with both mom and dad all alone,” Jace joked and it made a small smile appear on Alec’s face. Luckily, he knew their sister was tough, she had always been able to just mentally throw out all the bullshit their parents would throw her way. 

“Oh, by the way,” Clary interrupted Alec’s trail of thoughts. “I got you something.” She pushed her small body off the couch, smiling to herself as she went out of the living room.

Alec raised a brow at his brother, silently asking,  _ what is it,  _ but Jace shrugged and acted like he didn’t know as he picked up the coffee once again, giving it another try. 

“So I found these brushes a week ago or something. I’ve been trying them off, and they’re  _ amazing  _ so I got some for you, as well,” the redhead spoke as she walked back in with four paint brushes in her hand, handing them over to Alec. 

Something about the girl always made Alec feel good. Just the small things, like this, was enough to give him confidence, because Clary believed in him and always noticed what he was good at instead of noticing what he sucked at. 

“Thank you,” he said, blushing as he touched the hairs of the brushes, feeling their softness against his skin. There was something about clean brushes that he really liked, maybe it was just a reminder of how perfect it always felt to use a brush for the first time. Every move would be so precise. “They’re gorgeous, Clary.”

“You’re welcome,” she said. It was Clary who had gotten Alec into painting in the first place. She had noticed the small drawings that filled up his notebook and acknowledged that they were well made. She had given him a starter kit for his birthday and offered to teach him some techniques, and Alec had discovered that he was actually really good. 

It was the first time Alec had felt good at something, so naturally it had always been his go to whenever he felt worthless or lost. He of course wasn’t nearly as good as Clary, but it was alright, because she acknowledged his talent. 

“Do you want to see something I did yesterday?” she asked. Alec nodded with a smile on his face and they went into the small room at the other end of the apartment. It was the only place where Clary was in complete control over how things looked. On the blue and green walls hung paintings the redhead had painted and the furniture was brightly colored as well. 

Jace, of course, hated the room. He claimed that it was childish, but Clary couldn’t care less and Alec admired her for being like that. 

“I used the big one for this part. The small one is really good for the details, look at how precise these are,” she said, gesturing towards a canvas in the middle of the room. 

“Wow. It’s really pretty. I like the colors a lot.” Alec went closer to get a better look at the small details she was talking about, struck by her talent as he would always be. 

“So do I. It’s not finished yet, but I’m getting there,” she said proudly. “Are you working on a piece at the moment?”

“Well, I was, but… I got so caught up in school that I didn’t really have the time to finish it.” Alec straightened up, catching her green eyes.

“I understand. You’re very busy. But maybe you need to also give yourself some time off once in a while,” she said with a little bit of concern in her voice. 

“Maybe I will now that I have these gorgeous brushes. I need to try them,” the dark haired boy stated, holding up the brushes. This was exactly what he had needed today, a reminder of what he was good at and what he enjoyed doing. Maybe it had been too long since he had last painted, the usual scribbled drawings in the corner of his notebook just wasn’t enough. “They’ll probably do something great to the painting I’m working on. I don’t really have one for the small details - well, now I do.”

“Are you guys done talking about art, soon?” Jace asked impatiently from the door. 

“No. We’re never done talking about art,” Alec joked. 

His brother shook his head at the two, murmuring something along the lines of, “It’s so boring,” and Alec and Clary laughed, because he was always like this. It loosened all the tension that Alec had felt in his chest.

“That’s because you suck at it,” the redhead said teasingly, laughing at her boyfriend and Alec loved how true it was. 

\------

Time always seemed to pass so quickly whenever Alec had the chance to paint and focus on himself. The short week he had had off was gone just as it had begun, and too soon him and Jace were walking down the long hallways towards the first lecture of anatomy. 

For some reason, Alec felt happy. He had been so busy with his painting that he had completely forgotten about Medicine for some time. It felt like a spark was glowing inside of him as he walked towards the big classroom with Jace ranting about something at his side. He wasn’t really paying attention. 

They sat down in the back of the classroom and pulled out their books. Alec’s eyes roamed the room, searching for a certain figure that he hadn’t seen for almost a week. It wasn’t unusual, but it would be a lie to say that the dark-haired cat-like man hadn’t been on his mind. Alec had been wondering why he had left so suddenly at the library, if maybe something was wrong. 

But then again, Magnus was always cryptic like that and understanding him was like trying to walk on water. It was better to just accept that it simply wasn’t possible.

The man was at the front, legs crossed and hands folded in his lap in the middle of some conversation with a blonde girl. As he let a laugh escape his mouth, Alec looked away because it made his breath catch. It was so weird and unfamiliar to see him happy and laughing. Even though they had known each other for two year, the boy had never laughed like that when Alec was around and probably never would. 

“Did you sign up for the reexamination?” Jace asked at his side, opening the book to the pages they were to go through today. 

“Not yet.” Alec shifted a bit in the chair. “I’ve been so busy the last couple of days that I have completely forgotten about it. I need to do it today.”

“It’s the last day tomorrow.” And Alec already knew that much, but his mind had been elsewhere. He pulled out his notebook and searched through it for a blank page. It was filled with colorful drawings, some of them nowhere near finished. 

The lecturer started talking, welcoming everyone back from the short week off they had had. Alec took some quick notes when the man started talking about the curriculum and explained some practical things about the course. 

Anatomy was known to be one of the toughest courses, and Alec sure already felt a little bit overwhelmed as the man went further into details about just how much knowledge they were to go through the next two months or so. He explained when and how the exam was, saying that there were both a theoretical part and a physical part. 

“For those of you who need to do the reexamination in either Heart and Lungs or Chemistry, the exams will be in one month only. Since Anatomy has two parts, there simply isn’t enough time to put all three exams in a row - but I’m sure you’ll all manage,” the lecturer said like it was nothing. 

Panic spread throughout the classroom, whispers starting in the corners and Alec just looked straight ahead, trying to process the information. 

“Wow. One month,” Jace exhaled, only causing Alec to panic even more. The lecturer had moved on, completely ignoring how people had stopped listening and was sending each other scared looks. 

“It’ll be fine,” Alec lied. He didn’t want this to ruin his mood, he had been so happy today and like hell something like this was going to get to him. But he couldn’t help but search the room for the dark-haired man in the front, for some reason needing to catch a glimpse of him. 

Magnus for sure wasn’t doing the reexamination, the man had nothing to worry about. He was probably already halfway through anatomy, too, and going to pass it with an A. Alec sighed. 

“Understanding human anatomy can be tough. It’s always easier once you have a feeling of how the muscles work on a living person. This is something I want you all to focus on, so I have put in a small project that you need to do in groups of two as a part of the physical exam. You’ll then be examined in this project together.”

Whispers started in the classroom again, people turning in their chairs, trying to catch someone’s eyes. Alec didn’t even need to start panicking, because Jace was sending him that certain smile, assuring him that they would just do the task together. And voices were getting louder, someone shouted out through the class to a certain person and the lecturer looked rather annoyed. 

“ _ Silence,” _ he said strictly, the voices dying out. “There is no need for you all to start looking for a partner. I’ve already made the groups.” More whispers started. “Once all of you are doctors, you’ll need to be able to palpate any patient and it can actually feel quite transgressive the first time doing it. So I wanted to mix it up so you won’t know the other person so well. I’m actually doing you a favour.”

And Alec’s heart was already beating fast in his chest, nervousness spreading in his body. Jace whispered something about this being “stupid” beside him, but he only heard it with half an ear as blood was pumping through his body, making his ears ring. 

Again, his eyes fell on Magnus and this time, their eyes locked. The man was looking straight at Alec with the fire in his eyes, but it seemed to be a little bit different this time. Because it wasn’t just anger and annoyance burning, it was excitement as well. And why was he looking at Alec like that?

It was only for a short second before the golden eyes were gone, having turned back to look at the man by the big screen at the end of the room again. Alec tried his best to understand why this was making his palms sweat in that breathtaking way

The lecturer talked for a couple more minutes before finally revealing the groups. Alec had completely blacked out and not even a single word reached him as he sat there with an unsettled feeling in his body. Then the names appeared on the big screen, black letters staring back at Alec, looking empty but carrying that much at the same time. 

“Shit,” Alec mumbled underneath his breath and Jace made a noise from deep in his throat that sounded like a suppressed laugh. 

“Wow. This is really not your day,” he said teasingly as if it had ever been Alec’s day. Alec wanted to just run off. He didn’t, however, he just sat there and looked out into thin air as his mind ran wild. People were picking up their things, finding their partners and Jace was quickly gone, too. 

While putting away both books and notebook, he saw the man approach out of the corner of his eye. He still needed some time to process this, he wasn’t ready yet to face him and let him know that this, for some reason, made him feel very weird.

“Partner,” Magnus greeted with a dry voice, irony clear in his tone. Alec rolled his eyes. 

“Don’t start calling me that,” he let the man know as he zipped up his bag. The room was mostly empty by now, people having gone off to start practising. 

“You can’t be mad, Alexander. You are the one who drew the long straw, here,” the cat-like man said with a grin on his face as he pointed towards himself, clearly feeling bitter. And Alec couldn’t figure out which he hated the most, Magnus calling him ‘partner’ or Magnus calling him ‘Alexander’.

“Are we at this again?” Alec was already getting annoyed. How couldn’t Jace see the arrogance in this damn man? It was shining from him so obviously. Magnus just laughed at that comment and Alec remembered how he’d thought about Magnus never laughing in his presence earlier. Here he was, realizing that he didn’t like it at all. 

“Well you’ll just have to get used to it. Unfortunately we’ll be spending a lot of time together,” Magnus reminded the younger one.

“Let’s just try to keep it to a minimum, alright?” Alec asked, because he didn’t want to face what this really meant. He picked up his bag, wanting to get home as quickly as possible and maybe do a plan or something on how to handle all of this. 

“I couldn’t agree more,” Magnus stated. So one thing they at least shared was their dislike towards one another. It wasn’t much, but at least it was something. “And don’t you dare ruining this for me. I’m not gonna fail Anatomy because of you.”

“Oh, shut up,” Alec said harshly, biting his lower lip so he wouldn’t say something mean. He’d have to spend two months with the man, for god’s sake, there was no point in making this even worse than it already was. 

So Magnus did just that, smirking at the younger boy. He then turned his back to Alec and started walking towards the door, his tall figure looking model-like as he walked steadily, swaying his hips slightly. 

He held up a hand as a gesture, not looking over his shoulder. “I’ll see you around, partner,” he said coldly and then he was gone, disappearing down the endlessly long hallway. 


	3. Shirtless

Magnus threw his bag by the entrance door, groaning loudly as he walked to his room and collapsed on the bed with his hands coming up to cover his face. His mind was circling around one specific topic that he couldn’t seem to let go off no matter how much he tried, and it was draining him. 

As he made another complaining noise coming from deep in his throat, someone started laughing somewhere in the small apartment. “Do I even need to ask you how your day was?” Simon teased as he walked inside Magnus’ room, sitting down on the bed next to his obviously frustrated roomie. 

“I’m annoyed,” the golden eyed one stated. Simon bit back another laugh and that was lucky, because maybe Magnus would have kicked him out of his room otherwise. He wasn’t in the mood for Simon’s teasing. 

“Oh yeah, I figured that much,” Simon said. “And why are we annoyed, again?”

He always did that, made all of Magnus’ problems both of their problems. It was quite nice, actually, and most of the time, the awkward, guitar playing guy knew when to support his friend and when not to. Right now was definitely a supportive kind of day. 

“That fucking guy,” Magnus breathed out, spreading his fingers that were covering his eyes just in time to see his friend roll his eyes at those words.  _ Very supportive. _

“Look, I told you already. If you needed that book that badly, why did you give it to him? I mean, you got to it first, so you could have just told him that he couldn’t have it. But instead you just-” Simon started, but Magnus cut him short. 

“It’s not about that book, Simon.” Another sound ripped itself from his throat and his friend was supposed to feel bad for him, he was going through so much. Simon just seemed a little confused, but the look in his eyes revealed that he really didn’t want to hear what Magnus had to say. He probably already knew beforehand that the problem would be stupidly small.

“What happened, then?” he asked anyways like the supportive and caring best friend he was. 

“We were paired up to do an anatomy project together.” Magnus knew already that Simon would find it ridiculous, because he was the kind of person who liked everybody and never got annoyed with anyone. 

“So?” the boy asked, clearly not understanding anything. “I mean, seriously Mags, it’s just a project. I know you don’t really like the guy, but can’t you just do this thing with him and leave it at that? It’s not like you have to actually be friends with him or something.”

“He just pisses me off. I feel so weird around him.” It was true and ever since that episode in the library, the thought of Alec had been on his mind. Even minutes in his presence had caused Magnus’ chest to feel suddenly tight, as if his ribcage wasn’t big enough for his organs. He could only imagine what hours would cause.

“Look, you gotta let go of this stupid hatred, alright? You can’t just start hating someone because of something like that, you don’t even know him that well and he hasn’t done anything wrong besides existing and apparently looking at you the wrong way. I know that it’s because of her and that she still takes up a lot of space inside of you, but at some point you have to forget about it. Most likely, they’re nothing alike.”

“I know him well enough to say that the goddamn idiot is-” Magnus started without even really knowing what it was he wanted to say, but a wave of anger was roaming his body.

Simon didn’t let the man finish, already knowing that this was leading nowhere. “Okay, stop. I don’t want to get into this and I’m sure you don’t want to either, so let’s just leave it at this. But I think you ought to give the boy a chance, maybe he isn’t that bad once you get to know him?”

And of course his best friend was right. He was always right about things like these, but all of these emotions in Magnus’ body were outshining the logic in Simon’s honest words. The golden eyed boy pressed a hand against his forehead, closing his eyes and forcing all of the thoughts away. 

“You’re right,” he whispered in a shaky voice. He didn’t want to be this person, he just couldn’t help it. And whenever the boy with the dark hair and bright blue eyes was around, it was like all of his self control would leave his body completely and all he would be left with was burning anger and an aching pain coming from deep within. A pain he knew all too well.

“I was in the middle of cooking lunch? Do you want some?” Simon asked, completely ignoring Magnus’ big problem, as if it was nothing. This wasn’t nothing, this was draining Magnus in a way he wasn’t used to and making it hard for him to focus on his school work. He had caught himself more than once now, thinking about Alec when he should be thinking about the muscles of the upper arm of something like that. 

“No. I think I need to just be alone,” he answered with self pity. 

“Alright, I’m not letting you do this,” Simon said, getting up from the bed while grabbing one of Magnus’ hands, trying to pull him along. “I’m not letting you feel sorry for yourself like this. You need to eat some food and realize that things are alright.”

Magnus both hated and loved Simon for doing this. The boy was right again, Magnus had already spent too much time feeling sorry for himself in the past and it had never managed to get him anywhere. Maybe it was about time that he started listening to his friend, the boy who had always only wanted what was best for him. 

It helped a lot on his mood, too, that Simon had been in the middle of cooking spaghetti carbonara.

\-----

It had taken the boys way more time than it should have to finally get their shit together and realize that they actually needed to get started sooner than later. Magnus wasn’t exactly a big fan of the idea, but they had decided to meet up at Alec’s place just for a few hours to go through some of the stuff. 

Magnus was knocking on the door leading to a big apartment a couple of days later with his bag thrown lazily over one shoulder. It had been exactly like he had predicted, an expensive apartment in the rich part of the city and Magnus had almost been the only person on the bus ride there. He assumed that few people living that expensively used public transport. 

Even Alec had his own car, Magnus had seen him arrive at school many times, stepping out of it and looking lazy and tired. He shook his head, trying not to think about it now, because it would make him annoyed and he had told himself not to start up an argument today. There was no reason to and Simon had made him promise to at least give this a fair try.

After a few moments, the door flew open and revealed the tall boy with his hair messy and face flushed. He scanned Magnus confusedly, hands coming up to unmess his hair and something was covering his one hand and it looked a lot like… paint?

“You’re early,” he stated, sounding out of breath like he had been in the middle of some hardcore training. It completely startled the golden eyed boy, he frowned at the one in front of him, all annoyance and anger suddenly forgotten in confusion. He didn’t look like someone who had just exercised, he was wearing his usual black jeans and a dark, blue sweater.

“We agreed on ten, right?” Magnus asked. 

“Twelve. It was twelve,” Alec answered, his eyes flickering suddenly before looking over his shoulder. This was really confusing Magnus, what the hell was happening? Was he in the middle of something?

“Is this a bad time?” Magnus asked as his heartbeat increased. Why was Alec blushing like that, as if something had been going on that he didn’t want Magnus to know about?

“No, it’s fine, I just wasn’t expecting you this early, so… uhm, would you give me a second?”

Magnus didn’t even have the time to answer before the door was closed and he was staring at wood, wondering what was happening. 

The look that had been on his face reminded Magnus of the time Alec had been called out in class to answer something, cheeks glowing red with embarrassment and for some reason, it didn’t piss him off quite as much as it had back then. But it did however remind him that this project wasn’t going to be as easy as Magnus would have liked it to.

It took some minutes before the door opened again, and Alec seemed to have gotten his messy hair a little bit under control. He had clearly been washing his hands thoroughly, the smell of soap hung around him like a heavy cloud and his hands looked damp and wet. He dried them off in his jeans. 

Magnus stepped inside, not waiting for Alec to ask him to come in. “Are you hiding away someone in here or what?” he asked tonelessly, trying to suppress his curiosity. He just couldn’t help but let the question fall from his lips. And why was he even interested?

“What are you talking about?” Alec sounded annoyed, he shut the door close behind Magnus and crossed his arms, leaning back against it. 

Magnus threw his bag in the corner, taking off his long, black coat with observative blue eyes roaming his body. 

He didn’t answer the question because he wasn’t sure how to, so instead he tried to stop his mind from going over random possible explanations as the other boy pushed himself off the door, guiding the two of them towards a big living room. The atmosphere was tense in a way, but the tight feeling in Magnus’ chest could have been the one fooling him.

“Aren’t you going to show me around your castle?” The tone was sarcastic, freezing cold and it almost hadn’t been intentional, it just kind of always happened. He reminded himself that he wasn’t supposed to start an argument, not today.

Alec sent a dead stare, the empty eyes causing the golden brown boy’s breath to catch momentarily. 

“We’re not friends just because we are doing this project together. So stop asking me all of these things,” Alec stated dryly, closing the door to the living room and shutting off the rest of the apartment. 

“I never said we were.”

“Then don’t annoy me with private questions. Don’t think of this as anything more than just an anatomy project. It’s not like I want to get to know you or talk about personal things with you. Do you understand?” This distance Magnus had always felt towards the blue eyed boy only grew as the words fell from his lips.

Magnus felt small bubbles of anger bursting inside. He hid it away behind a smirk, tilting his head slightly. “Oh yeah, right,  _ I’m  _ the annoying one,” he said, dragging out the words to point out his irony.

How did this goddamn boy manage to get him like this every single time, no matter how much he fought to hold it back? Here Alec was, eyes narrowed and face forced into a cold look, for some reason getting Magnus’ blood to boil. The boy said with his dark, toneless voice, “Behave, will you? You’re in my home.”

“Well, then stop being like that, all...” Magnus’ hands came up to express his annoyance, but he couldn’t find any word that fit and he ended up just making a complaining sound that described his frustration. As if he had completely forgotten how words worked all of a sudden.

“Stop being all what?” the boy asked, not letting go of it. His arms were crossed and his weight shifted from one leg to another, waiting for an explanation. 

“You know what? I don’t even want to get into this. I just want this to be over with as quickly as possible.” Magnus already felt tired and drained from the few minutes he had spent at the apartment, the sooner he could get back home, the better.

But one thing they could at least agree on was that. So soon enough, they were getting started. They sat down at opposite ends of the wide table in the corner of the room and pulled out their books.

Magnus was quick to start talking about some of the stuff they had to go through and explain the different muscles they had to focus on. It was mainly the muscles of the back and the neck and he had already been going through them at home beforehand, but apparently he’d have to do it again for the sake of this stupid project.

Even with anatomy on his mind, he couldn’t really shake off the unsettled feeling in his body and the annoyance bubbling. But he forced it as far away as possible. Alec’s eyes were blank and his gaze flickered every other second, but Magnus kept going, taking in deep breaths not to get angry at how lost the boy looked. Because, for some reason, it pissed him off.

It was more than obvious that Alec wasn’t understanding anything, even as Magnus showed him pictures in the book and tried to explain to him where the muscles were located, only raising his voice slightly. After a good while, Alec suddenly just got up from the chair, eyes avoiding Magnus’ as he said, “Okay, I need a break.”

He walked with quick steps towards the door, throwing it open to disappear somewhere. Magnus sighed. If this was how this project was going to go, it was sure going to be two long months. He waited a couple of minutes, but when Alec didn’t come back, he decided that there was no point in just sitting around like this, so he got up to follow. 

Truth was that hadn’t it been for the project he would have just left. Once, he had been different. He remembered being younger and observant, the kind of person who would always notice if people were feeling down and ask them what it was bothering them. But something had changed inside of him, and it kind of hurt him to realize that he had become a bitter person. He was feeling bitter deep in his bones and it was blurring out everything else that happened around him. 

He was overly aware of it and the bitterness always seemed to reach him the most in Alec’s presence. Both that and the need for revenge, but he was taking it out on a person who had never caused him any pain. Being confronted with it was the toughest part of being around Alec. He just knew that it was one he had to face.

The boy was in the kitchen, staring out of a window with a glass of water in his hand. He looked rather distant, mind probably going wild and Magnus leaned against the doorframe, a hand coming up to rest on his hip. He wanted to keep his distance.

“What is it?” he asked. It came out a little bit harshly even though he hadn’t meant it to. Alec clenched his jaw. 

“Well, you can’t just start going 1000 miles per hour and expect me to follow along.” It had only been partly intentional, but now Magnus regretted it a little bit. He knew that Alec was having a hard time, there was no reason to rub it in his face. The boy just got under his skin and managed to annoy him so much, he didn’t know how to handle it. 

“You could have said that instead of just leaving,” Magnus tried to justify his behavior by saying. It finally made Alec turn to catch his eyes, the blank gaze having been replaced by something that looked like annoyance. 

“Like it would have made a difference. You would have just gotten annoyed with me for not understanding anything, but you know what? I’m actually trying my best. And I’m sorry if that isn’t good enough for  _ the great Magnus Bane _ .” His voice was high pitched and desperate, almost as if it was about to break. Magnus of course knew that it wasn’t, the younger boy would never allow himself to show that much vulnerability in front of Magnus. 

“Would you stop calling me that?” Magnus asked, feeling his stomach tighten at that name. God, he hated Alec calling him that so much. 

“Only if you stop acting like that. Stop pretending like you’re oh so great.”

Magnus sighed. He reminded himself of the promise he had given both Simon and himself this morning about not starting an argument and pushed his own body off the doorframe slowly, taking a small step closer. 

And Alec was right. He had been acting  _ a little bit _ arrogant. But very little.

“Okay how about we try to forget about all of this while we study? None of us are going to learn anything if we just get annoyed with each other. And I don’t know about you, but I want to pass this test.”

Alec nodded slowly, the tension in his body loosening slightly. He took a sip from the glass of water before putting it in the zinck. “Yeah, I’d like that,” he said honestly, rubbing his face with his hands as if getting rid of the last bit of frustration that roamed his body. Magnus couldn’t really decipher how it made him feel. It was just emotions surfacing that he hadn’t been in touch with for ages.

“Let’s just take it from the top, then,” he said as they went back inside the living room, turning off all thoughts for a moment. He opened the book to a page showing the muscles of the back and went to stand beside Alec instead of sitting down opposite from him. “So this is the back, here’s the spine and here are the superficial muscles.”

He tried to gesture towards his own back as well, wanting Alec to have a feeling of where it was on a living person because it would make all of this a lot easier. That was how he had started understanding all of this himself. The boy was nodding, at least catching onto that much. 

“So the spine is made of small bone structures, as you see here. These are called vertebras, and it’s important to be able to locate each one specifically. This one,” Magnus said, placing a finger on vertebrae number seven, “Is the prominent one you feel between your shoulders at the very base of your neck.”

They both reached a hand behind their necks to feel vertebrae number 7. Alec smiled slightly as he felt it, finally understanding the picture in front of him and he actually looked quite cute smiling like that. The boy apparently had this soft side, too, Magnus just hadn’t really seen it before. 

That was of course Magnus’ own fault. He had been the one to put in sharp comments and send cold stares in the beginning, but then it had just started to become a mutual thing at some point. He wasn’t sure when Alec had started hating Magnus, he just knew that the anger had been burning in the blue eyed boy too for some time now.

“What about the other ones, then?” Alec asked curiously, causing Magnus’ eyes to dart away again as he realized that he had been looking at the boy intensely. And what had just happened? Maybe it was Magnus’ state of mind that had changed a little bit, because this was the first time he had ever looked at Alexander and only seen… Alexander. Without his sight being blurred by red burning anger and bitterness. 

“Uhm, you just start counting,” Magnus said informatively with a plain voice, no dry tone or sarcasm hidden underneath it. “So you just - okay it’s a little hard, can I...?”

The access to his own spine was a little bit limited, so Magnus dared to gesture towards Alec’s, wanting to show the boy how to count the vertebras on his body. It felt like he would be overstepping many lines, but this was the point of the goddamn project and eventually he’d have to get his hands on Alec, anyways. 

A wave of uncertainty flashed the blue eyes, but it was gone so quickly that Magnus almost missed it. “Sure,” Alec breathed out, clearing his throat as he sat up straight, waiting for the older one to start palpating. 

Magnus easily found the prominent bone structure, it was almost showing even though the boy was wearing a thick sweater. He allowed his fingers to touch the bare skin there, sliding underneath the thick material and it felt almost electrical. A bit hesitantly he placed a supportive hand on Alec’s shoulder, keeping both Alec and himself steady as his finger dug into the boy’s skin. 

“So, it’s important to not just touch the skin lightly, because then you’ll miss the vertebrae. But it’s also important to not put on too much pressure, it can actually hurt quite badly if you do so,” he explained. “It’s all about getting the feeling in your fingers and notice every small change.” He made sure to clarify his every movement as his fingers caressed the boy’s neck, naming the bone structures he was touching along the way. Firstly, he went from the prominent structure and upwards because it was easier to get access to. Alec’s skin was soft and his fit body made it easy to find each structure. 

“And when you go downwards, you just kind of… let’s see if I can find it through your sweater.” His fingers fell on vertebrae number 7, it was still obvious but not nearly as much as it had been underneath the material. It prickled in his fingers to feel Alec’s bare skin again, but the thought was quickly pushed away as he forced his mind back to the important task at hand. 

“Alright, so it’s the same, but… does this hurt?” He had to put on a little more pressure now with the sweater in the way and as he did so, Alec’s back arched slightly.

“No it doesn’t, but it feels a little bit different,” Alec admitted. His eyes were squeezed shut as Magnus tried to locate the next structure, digging his fingers further into the boy’s body and a small sound escaped Alec’s mouth. It made Magnus’ head spin. 

“Okay, maybe it hurts a little bit,” the blue eyed boy said shakingly. He shifted in the chair, causing both of Magnus’ hands to drop and then Alec was grabbing the hem of his sweater. “I’ll just take this one off, it’s probably easier that way,” he murmured as he pulled it over his head slowly. The hair he had just gotten under control was now messy again and his pale, soft skin showed off his toned muscles on his back wonderfully. 

Magnus swallowed. “Yeah, alright,” he breathed out just to say something. It was a good thing that Alec couldn’t see him right now, because for some reason his face was starting to blush slightly. The change of atmosphere just made him feel weirdly excited, so here he was, blood pumping quickly in his body while his palms started to feel sticky. 

He tried to dry them off in his shirt as Alec said, “You’ve seen shirtless boys before, I hope.” It made the older one chuckle a little bit, liking the teasing tone to the words and the friendly way they were said. 

“Oh yeah, plenty,” he said, still feeling a little lightheaded. And then he couldn’t help but think if that was maybe something weird to say? Even though it wasn’t a secret, it just felt weird to let Alec know.

“Then get your hands on me, you idiot,” Alec said with a smile on his face before Magnus could start overthinking this. Magnus had never in his wildest dreams imagined something like this, that they would actually get along and not try to rip each other’s heads off. But it also scared him a little, because he knew that this wasn’t a permanent thing. 

Once they were done going through the spine and most of the back muscles, Magnus announced that it was about time for him to get going. They were both getting a little bit tired and he didn’t want to gamble this newly found tolerance they suddenly felt towards one another. Also, his mind was spinning with thoughts after having been in the boy’s presence for so long - especially because of the hour or so that Alec had spent without a shirt. 

Alec leaned against a wall as Magnus put on his boots and coat and seemed to have a question in mind, biting his inner cheek nervously. 

“Do you want to say something?” Magnus asked without looking at the other, concentration put on closing his boot. But the hesitation hung in the room afterwards for a short second and felt like a sudden change of temperature, impossible to overlook.

“It’s just…” Alec started, but then searched for words. Magnus knew what he was going to say already before he spoke the words out loud. It would be a lie to say that the thought hadn’t been on his own mind, as well. “What do we do now?”

A small smile appeared on Magnus’ face as he stood up, straightening out his coat with flat hands. Alec had an uncertain gaze in the blue eyes, it for some reason seemed so misplaced on his tall, dark figure, which Magnus had always known as cold and empty. It was neither cold or empty right now. “Now we go back to hating each other until the next time we meet up to do the project.”

And well, it wasn’t much, but it was progress.


	4. Rules

There were of course rules. Unspoken rules that they both silently just kind of followed. It had been about two weeks now and they had managed to meet up every other day to go through a chosen part of the body, palpating and trying to understand the theory behind. 

They never talked about anything that didn’t directly relate to anatomy. It was their way of keeping their distance towards one another, which was all that kept Alec sane at the moment, because not hating Magnus felt…  _ weird _ . He didn’t like it. 

They would always meet up at Alec’s apartment. They had tried to study once at Magnus’ apartment, but Magnus’ roomie had started playing the guitar at some point and it had ruined their concentration. Besides, Alec had plenty of space and lived alone. It was just easier that way. 

Magnus would show up with that certain smirk on his face and always greet the younger one by simply saying his name. And each time the name would fall from the cat-like man’s lips, Alec would start to hate the way it sounded a little bit less. 

But even though there were rules, some things were also left undefined. And as time passed, it felt like more rules started to shift from defined and into the gray area, even though Alec tried to keep things the way they were. 

Among all of the undefined and unspoken rules, one had remained the only one to be put into words. And apparently Magnus wasn’t understanding that much. 

Alec was sitting in the back of a lecture hall with his notebook out, waiting for the lecture to begin. He was drawing something sloppingly in the corner as people laughed and talked around him, but he wasn’t paying much attention to it. His mind was elsewhere. 

He almost didn’t notice it at first when a tall figure put his long, black coat over the chair next to Alec’s and sat down, pulling out a textbook from his bag. 

“Alexander,” the man said without looking, going through the pages of the book to find the right one. That was when Alec noticed who it was, his dark voice so well-known and just his presence made something tighten inside of Alec as he hurried to close his notebook. He didn’t want the man to see what he had been in the middle of doing. 

“What are you doing?” Alec asked coldly. They had very specifically agreed on hating each other whenever they weren’t doing anything that related to the project. And maybe he was misunderstanding something, but this wasn’t one of those few times they were allowed to act normal around each other. 

Magnus frowned, looking up from the textbook to get a glimpse of the boy beside him, but Alec was staring straight ahead. “Just looking for the right page,” the idiot said blankly, clearly not catching on to what was happening. It for some reason annoyed Alec a lot that he would just come here and pretend like this was okay. It wasn’t. 

“I’m not talking about that,” Alec said. “I’m talking about you sitting down next to me. We’re not friends, you know.”

It was so hard to keep up the facade when the older boy was doing things like these, trying to act like they were just random class mates and hadn’t been hating each other for almost two years. “Well, we’re in anatomy class, so i figured-” Magnus started, but Alec cut him short. 

“We’re not working on the project right now, are we?” he asked stubbornly, turning his pencil nervously in his hand, because some part of him wasn’t liking the situation. It would have been so much easier if Magnus had just picked another chair, now he was forced to focus on keeping a straight face for the rest of the lecture. 

The older one made an unsatisfied sound, opening his mouth to respond but before he got the chance to defend himself, the lecturer started talking and silenced everybody. But the tension between them was so obvious, it felt almost electrical and went through Alec’s body in clear waves. He opened his notebook to a random page, taking some unimportant notes just to do something. 

And he would probably have missed it if he hadn’t been so overly aware of everything the boy beside him was doing, but Magnus mumbled quietly, “Someone’s having a bad day,” and it instantly pissed Alec off. 

He shot his eyes towards the man, piercing him with that certain angry look. “We agreed to hate each other, remember?” he hissed, suppressing the sudden need to get up and walk away or start shouting at the older boy. Why was he acting like this?

“Well, sorry for being nice, then.” Magnus smiled sarcastically like he always did, but Alec hadn’t seen that smile on him for some time now and it mixed him with feelings. “I’ll make sure it won’t happen again.”

“ _ You  _ started this,” Alec had to remind the cat-boy, because apparently he had completely forgotten how things had been for two years and up until two weeks ago. Two damn weeks and Magnus was already turning their relationship upside down. Alec wasn’t ready for it to change.

But Magnus didn’t have another thing to add. He just kept on holding Alec’s eyes, maybe trying to see through him to understand why Alec was insisting on keeping things this way when it obviously wasn’t doing any of them good. 

For a moment, Alec felt paralyzed by the golden fire, but then he forced his eyes towards the lecturer and tried his best to follow along to what was happening. It was so hard to focus with his body feeling suddenly light and his mind spinning. Magnus didn’t say anything else, he kept quiet at Alec’s side until the lecture was over. 

In some way, it was what Alec wanted, but a part of him was dying to just start an argument right then, tell the man that he couldn’t just act like that after two years of constant hate. But he suppressed it and Magnus didn’t leave him any time for it once the lecture ended. The man was gone within seconds, long before Alec had the time to say anything.

\-----

Alec sat on the counter with a cup of earl grey tea at his side, his back resting against the wall behind. “I don’t get it. Why was she stupid enough to bring him to our parents’ house?” he asked his brother. 

“She thought they weren’t coming home until the next morning.” Jace looked through the refrigerator for something to eat like he would always do when he was at Alec’s place. An unsatisfied look was on his face, like he wasn’t finding something he liked, which Alec could have told him beforehand. 

“But still. I would have never done that, it’s too much of a risk,” Alec stated. He laughed a little bit as Jace pulled out an apple, then realized that it was rotten and threw it back inside with a disgusted sound. “Oh yeah right, just put it back in,” Alec joked. 

“Jace!” Clary said from a chair, shaking her head at her boyfriend’s manners. 

“I understand. I used to sneak in Clary, too. Mom and dad never caught us,” the brother behind the refrigerator said as he checked the date on a yogurt, seeming to find it acceptable. 

“If you’re eating something now, do it quickly. Magnus is coming over in ten minutes, so you’ll have to be out by then,” Alec announced. He felt a little bit nervous about today, because they hadn’t really talked since the day at the lecture hall and he didn’t know what to expect. Most likely, it would just be as it always was, but something inside of him feared that things would be different. 

“Oh come on, I want to meet him. I promise we’ll leave as soon as he gets here,” Clary said in her usual cute way that Alec couldn’t resist. He rolled his eyes, knowing that he wouldn’t be able to tell her no when she looked like that. It made Jace start laughing. 

“Why are you so eager to meet him?” he asked his girlfriend as he poured some yogurt into a bowl. 

“Well, the two of you talk about him so differently, so I want to get an idea on my own. I don’t really know what to think of him right now.” Alec knew that Magnus and Jace were kind-of-friends, they had been talking a little bit over the years and had shared notes with each other. Which was why Alec tried to keep the bitching about Magnus to a minimum whenever Jace was around. 

Alec wanted to change the subject. “Oh by the way, Clary,” he said, remembering something. “I finished the painting with the new brushes. You were right, they are absolutely amazing.”

The redhead beamed happily, knowing that Alec had been working on it for so long now, struggling to finish it. “Can I see?” she asked excitingly, her passion for art glowing from her clearly and that was something that Alec really liked about her. He could see it in her eyes whenever the two of them spoke about colors and paintings. 

“Sure. It’s in my bedroom. Just close the door afterwards, I don’t want Magnus to see it.” Jace raised a brow at that, his golden curls falling a little bit into his eyes and Alec ignored him and hoped he would let it go.

“Doesn’t he know that you paint?” the brother asked through a mouthful of yogurt as Alec should have expected. It wasn’t like he didn’t want Magnus to know, it was just that his love for painting was something private and personal. And they had very clearly agreed on not getting personal throughout this project, so technically, letting him know that he liked painting would be like breaking the rules. That was the last thing Alec wanted to do.

“No,” was all that Alec said, not wanting to get into details with it. “It’s none of his business.”

“I know, but I just thought...” Jace trailed off. “You spend so much time together, don’t you ever just talk?”

“Why would we do that?” It was of course a stupid question, so stupid that Jace probably had multiple answers ready. He opened his mouth to put some of them into words, but before he made it, Clary was yelling from the bedroom, “Wow Alec, it’s  _ gorgeous. _ ” Her voice was so honest and excited, it made Alec forget Jace’s question instantly. 

A small smile appeared on his face as the redhead came back into the kitchen. “Seriously, wow. How do you manage to make it look so realistic?” she asked with admiration shining from her eyes. 

“It’s so much easier now that I know the basic anatomy. It’s crazy how much of a difference it actually makes to know where the muscles start and where they end,” he explained to her, feeling a little bit proud of the painting, because he had put so much time into every small detail. And it had actually made it easier to remember the muscles and bones when he was able to use his knowledge for something specific, like his painting.

He had spent hours drawing each body part, trying to visualize his knowledge. It was so helpful to use his passion for art to learn. 

“Is it Magnus, then?” Clary asked as if it wasn’t a stupid question. 

“Why would it be Magnus?” Alec frowned.

“Well, just because the two of you are doing this project together. You have been watching his body with the intention of locating the muscles. Maybe you’ve found some inspiration in that?” It came out as a question, she made sure to step carefully around the topic. The three of them usually didn’t discuss Magnus all that much, it was almost like a forbidden topic to talk about. Alec knew that Jace tried to avoid it as well. 

“I haven’t, actually,” Alec said and only then did he realize that it was actually kind of weird. 

“Haven’t what?” Jace asked with yogurt on one cheek. 

“I haven’t watched his body. Or palpated his body. It’s always him showing me the structures on my body, never the other way around. Mainly because he knows the stuff and I don’t, so I haven’t really questioned it.”

It made his brother raise a brow. He was done eating and went to put the bowl into the zinck, saying, “That’s weird. You know that both of you have to do it at the exam, right?” 

“I know that, but I haven’t really thought about it. Do you and Maia palpate each other,” Alec asked as the thought started taking up space in his head. It was actually a little bit unusual, and now that he thought about it Magnus hadn’t taken off his shirt even once around Alec.

Clary signaled discretely to her boyfriend that he had something stuck on his cheek. He removed it with the back of his hand, answering the question with a quick, “Yes, of course we do.” 

Even though Alec knew that Jace loved to show off his muscles, he also knew that it wasn’t why the brother was doing it. And the look on Jace’s face clearly showed his confusion as to why Alec hadn’t been practising on Magnus. 

“But does it have to be without clothes every single time?” Clary asked, looking a little annoyed. Alec got the feeling that this wasn’t the first time they were having this discussion. 

“I told you already. It’s too hard to do it with something in the way, so yes, it has to be without,” Jace said. “Isn’t that true, Alec?”

The dark haired boy sent a sympathetic smile in the girl’s direction, head tilted slightly. “Sorry sweetie, Jace’s right.”

“It’s not like it’s a sexual thing, anyways,” Jace tried to defend himself, crossing his arms as he leaned against the zinck. The two were perfect for each other, but they always had these stupid fights going on. It was like they were both so crazy jealous that even the smallest things had to become an issue. 

“I agree. It’s just for the purpose of learn-” Alec was cut off mid sentence by the front door opening. He had almost forgotten about it, but was now reminded and it made a wave of nervousness spread in his body. It always happened for some weird reason, like he had been looking forward to seeing Magnus? Which of course wasn’t the case. 

“Magnus!” Jace said excitedly, the topic quickly forgotten as he walked out of the kitchen to greet the man by the entrance door. 

“Hey Jace, I didn’t know you’d be here?” the cat-like man said in a questioning way, the sound of his well-known, deep voice making Alec’s throat feel a little bit dry. Right now, he wished he had told the two to leave ten minutes ago so he wouldn’t have to deal with all three at once. 

“No, we’re just leaving. Me and my girlfriend, I mean.” At least Clary was smiling slightly at that comment. She loved it when Jace addressed her that way, it was always clear in her green eyes. 

“Clary’s here?” Magnus asked. Alec frowned, wondering why the man knew her name as the two walked into the kitchen. Magnus was wearing black, tight jeans and a colorful shirt that sat tightly around his figure, hugging his curves. 

“Oh hey, I’m Magnus,” the man said as his eyes fell on the redhead in the room. He reached out a hand for her to take, smiling softly at her. 

“I’m Clary,” she said, even though he already knew. She looked happy as they shook each other’s hand, she had probably never even seen a picture of Magnus, so it must be weird for her to now have a face on the name. 

“Yes, Jace talks about you a lot. It’s really nice to meet you.” He always acted like this around everybody but Alec, always sounding interested and accommodating. But softness could be ripped from his face within seconds if his eyes were to roam a room and then land on Alec, like a lightning striking out of a blue sky. 

“I always talk so nicely about you. Because you're my girlfriend and I love you,” Jace said, stepping closer to Clary and putting an arm around her waist. He pulled her closer just to place a soft kiss on her forehead, making the redhead roll her eyes at him but failing to hide the smile on her face. 

“Oh shut up, Jace,” she teased, her tone slightly sarcastic. “I’m annoyed with you.”

Jace let out a soft laugh, shaking his head. “You are not going to let this go, are you?”

“Magnus, do you think that there is something slightly sexual about palpating someone without them wearing any clothes?” Clary asked the dark haired boy instead of answering Jace. 

“ _ Clary,”  _ Jace exhaled, but the girl had already put her mind onto this. Magnus seemed a little confused, having just missed the context of the question, so he just shrugged. 

“I mean, isn’t it impossible to avoid completely?”

At that, the redhead looked at her boyfriend, her eyes screaming, “ _ I told you so” _ as Jace opened his mouth to defend himself, suddenly stuttering and having a hard time finding the words. Alec just raised a brow. His heart was definitely picking up pace, racing behind his ribs, because had he completely missed something?

“Magnus, seriously, you’re supposed to be on my side,” Jace exclaimed once he remembered how to use words again. But Alec couldn’t focus on it, he felt uncomfortable and weird about the situation and picked up the tea at his side just to do something. It had been cold for some time now and tasted awful, but just the feeling of it in his hand soothed some of the nervousness. 

He wasn’t paying much attention to what else the three said to each other. They exchanged another few sentences before Clary told Jace that it was time to leave, dragging him along by the sleeve of his shirt. And it wasn’t before the door shut close with force, the sound of it ringing in Alec’s ear, that the tall man turned to finally face Alec. And his eyes felt like a burning pleasure.

“Alexander,” he then said in a way that annoyed Alec more than it should have. The air felt thick and different, almost electrical with the sudden tension between the two boys. 

“Oh, so now you acknowledge my presence,” Alec said sharply. He really had no right to be like this, for some reason he just couldn’t help it. 

“Yeah well, I didn’t want to break the rules by saying hello earlier. This didn’t seem like a situation that was strictly related to the project, if you ask me. And what would Jace think if he knew that we sometimes  _ talk  _ like normal human beings.”

“Oh, shut up Magnus,” Alec muttered with a frustrated tone, a hand coming up to support his forehead. He felt suddenly dizzy and in no way in the mood to go through the abdominal muscles like they had been planning for today. 

“So you want me to talk to you, but then you don’t want me to talk to you? Just make a decision, will you? This is confusing me so much.” Magnus didn’t really sound angry, he just sounded really tired. Tired and drained to the point where emotions so easily got the best of you. And now, looking closer, Alec saw that the man wasn’t wearing his usual eyeliner and his hair wasn’t put into the usual perfect quiff. He had just been so occupied being annoyed with the man for not saying hello that he simply hadn't noticed. 

Alec sighed deeply, closing his eyes momentarily and mentally telling himself that there was no use in this. They had rules for fucks sake, they weren’t allowed to be mad at each other when doing the project and if Alec wanted to focus so much on Magnus not breaking them, the least he could do was follow them himself. 

“I just want us to do the project together and not talk about this anymore,” he finally said with a calm, but unsteady voice. He put down the cold tea again and pushed himself off the counter to make a new one. Earl grey always helped in any situation. 

“You know, I don’t really get you,” Magnus wondered out loud. Alec could feel the golden gaze on his back, following him as he filled the kettle with water. A part of him wanted to talk this out. Maybe that was what Magnus wanted as well, his voice sounded strangely soft and curious. 

“Do you want some coffee?” Alec wasn’t ready for the talk yet, though.

“Did you hear what I just said?” Magnus asked. 

“Yes, I did. But I don’t feel like having this talk right now.” Alec took out an extra cup even though he hadn’t gotten an answer to the question. A deep sigh left the older one’s lips at the words and Alec continued, saying, “We’re not even supposed to talk about these things, we’re supposed to just-”

“I’m so tired of you telling me what we’re  _ supposed  _ to do. Obviously, we need to talk it through,” Magnus interrupted, a sudden spark of frustration having found its way to his words. 

“We need to just finish this project so everything can go back to normal again.” The younger one turned on his heels to get the milk in the refrigerator. Even though he tried to avoid the golden gaze, he didn’t miss the sad look on Magnus’ face or the way that he looked kind of… powerless. 

He forced his mind elsewhere, reaching for the handle but was then caught by the arm. “Alexander,” Magnus said desperately, turning the boy so the two were facing each other, their bodies threateningly close to each other. “This is just stupid. Look, I know that I have been-”

“Just back off!” Alec said harshly long before Magnus managed to finish his sentence, snapping his arm back out of the grip. He saw the wave of something that spread on Magnus’ face and it made his heart twitch a little bit, because why was he treating Magnus like this? 

Alec sighed, regretting his harsh tone and the burst of anger that had gotten the best of him. “It’s just that all of this is very new, and I’m still trying to figure everything out. And you being like this is not helping,” he admitted finally. His mind had been running wild lately and this newly established kind of friendship was more than confusing, it made Alec question everything about himself. 

“Don’t you think I feel that way, too?” Magnus asked with a slight hint of annoyance. 

“Honestly?” Alec asked, not waiting for Magnus to answer. “I haven’t really thought about how you feel, it’s too much for me right now.”

The words just kind of hung there in the air, feeling like a heavy weight. They both waited for the other to say something as tension built. But Alec’s throat felt too dry for him to break the silence, so eventually the older one did. 

Magnus swallowed, straightening up a bit. “Well, if you feel that way, we might as well get to work. There really is no other reason for me to be here, then.”

So that was what they did, but Alec clearly sensed that something was off. He managed to push all thoughts to the back of his mind and just focus on the stuff they had to go through. All that still roamed his body was unsettlement.

Magnus was more than silent. He sat opposite of Alec and sipped his coffee slowly, while Alec tried his best to go through the stuff. Once in a while, Magnus would make a short comment or correct the younger one when he said something wrong, but otherwise he stayed quiet. 

And Alec wasn’t having it. It made his blood boil with annoyance.

“Seriously Magnus, would you stop being like that?” Alec said after some time of trying to ignore the way Magnus behaved. It came out so harshly that Magnus raised a brow, looking suddenly uncomfortable. 

“Like what?” he asked. 

“ _ You’re  _ supposed to help  _ me _ and be the one explaining this.” Alec said as if it was obvious, gesturing towards the book. 

Magnus just stared Alec straight in the eyes, clearly debating something in his head. Sometimes, Alec wished that he could hear the man’s thoughts, because it always seemed like he was having a hard time putting things into words.

Since the first time they had met, their communication had been as if they were from completely different planets. They didn’t just misunderstand each other, they also intentionally hid things or faked an appearance just because they didn’t know how else to act around each other. 

And their newly established tolerance towards each other wasn’t heping, apparently. 

“Alright,” Magnus said once he had thought it through. Slowly and dramatically, he put the coffee mug down and got up to get closer to the younger boy. “Then take off your shirt.”

“You know that I have to palpate at the exam too, right?” 

“Yes. So?” Magnus asked, obviously acting a little bit stubborn because Alec was annoying him. What had brought this tense atmosphere was Alec’s attitude, the younger one knew that much, but it was still incredibly frustrating that Magnus had to be like this. 

“Well, maybe I should practise too? Isn’t it stupid that it is always you doing it?” Alec asked. 

“You wouldn’t even know what you’d be looking for. It’s better that I just do it,” Magnus explained, putting a hand to his hip in that demonstrative way. Even though there was some truth to the words, it felt like Magnus was lying or hiding something. 

“That’s why I have to practise before the exam.”

“You can practise on someone else,” the older man dared to say, instantly getting bubbles to surface inside Alec, making his pulse increase. “We don’t have time for that right now.”

“What?” Alec spat out angrily. “That’s not how this works.” He got up from the chair in a quick movement, gaze fixed on Magnus’. “You know what, I think it is my turn now.  _ You  _ can take off your shirt.”

“What if I don’t want to?” Magnus asked sharply. 

Alec opened his eyes wider, doing his best to keep his voice under control as he said, “Well then it’s just bad luck. I’ve taken off mine multiple times,”

“I never asked you to take it off. You suggested that yourself.”

“Yes, because it wasn’t working with the sweater on?” Alec said, talking to the other one like he was stupid. Magnus’ eyes flickered. Maybe he wasn’t annoyed or angry, maybe he was… nervous? “Is this because you don’t want to take off your shirt or because you don’t want me to palpate your body?”

“I just don’t find all of this necessary” It was clearly a lie. 

Alec crossed his arms. Some of the anger was being replaced with confusion. “You’re lying,” he said. 

“No, I’m not. It’s just a waste of time, because you don’t know anything about these muscles.”

“What are you hiding?” Alec asked, completely ignoring Magnus’ weak defense. It was obviously not the truth, anyways, because it would be so easy for Magnus to guide Alec through the abdominal muscles. 

“Nothing,” the man said. He shifted his weight, one hand started playing with the edge of his shirt. 

“Oh, shut up, I’m not stupid.” Alec narrowed his eyes, feeling a spark of curiosity inside of his chest. “Don’t tell me you’re insecure about your body or something.”

“Well, that’s none of your business, is it?” the man asked, tone sharp and cold. Just the thought had Alec’s head spin, it couldn’t possibly be true. 

“You can’t be serious. So you’re just gonna let me fail anatomy class because of your insecurities, which by the way is so stupid, because I bet that your body is absolutely perfect just like everything else about you is,” he spat out without even thinking the words through. They sounded slightly sarcastic even though it wasn’t intentional, reality was that Alec meant everything.

Magnus must have misunderstood. “Don’t think you know me, Alexander.” The older one pointed a finger at the boy, the spark of nervousness in his eyes completely gone. It had been replaced by desperation and something that looked like sadness. “Because you really don’t and I’m not even going to explain myself to you. You don’t care about how I feel, remember? It’s  _ too much for you _ .”

It pissed Alec off that he had to say it like that. Everything about him pissed Alec off right now, because this wasn’t fair. And deep down, he wanted this to have an explanation, but right now the only logical one was that Magnus didn’t want Alec to pass the test. His head was spinning wildly, and he accidentally held on to a random, stupid idea that passed his head for only a short second.

“You know what I think?” he asked steadily, doing his best not to let the emotions get the best of him. When Magnus didn’t answer, Alec said coldly. “I think you have a big, ugly tattoo that you’re too afraid to show me.”

He tried to read the man’s expression, but it was too hard. The dead stare in his eyes felt so empty that Alec feared he might have really hurt him. Magnus clenched his jaw, body tightening underneath the blue eyes and then he picked up his bag to throw in his things. 

“Are you leaving now?” Alec asked. This was unbelievable. 

“It was stupid of me to even think that this would work out.” Magnus zipped up the bag, throwing it over his shoulder and hurrying towards the entrance door. “I can’t do this.”

And just like that, the man was gone. And his missing presence felt like an empty ache. 


	5. A butterfly tattoo

Magnus didn’t even look up as his friend came into the kitchen, humming along to a melody and heading for the refrigerator. His gaze was fixed on the bowl of cereal in front of him. He wasn’t really hungry, so he just mixed it with his spoon. The milk was probably getting warm, anyways.

“Good morning sunshine,” Simon teased as he took out a banana. 

“Ha ha,” Magnus said sarcastically. He hadn’t even bothered to put on clothes yet, and his hair was probably messy and ugly. “Very funny.”

“Aren’t you going to school today?” Simon wanted to know. Lately, he had been following Magnus’ every move carefully. 

“I don’t know. I’m thinking about just asking Jace to send me some notes or something.” He sounded pathetic. 

“Are you and Alec still fighting?” Simon asked. 

Magnus made a frustrated sound, finally letting go of the spoon and pushing the bowl away. “We’re not fighting,” he said. “We just hate each other. It’s not a temporary thing, you know.”

“Yes, but you’ve been hating the guy for two years now and you’ve only recently stopped showing up to the lectures, so something must have changed.”

Why was Simon so observant? It was annoyingly true, Magnus hadn’t wanted to go, because it would also mean seeing Alec and it was just too much right now. But what annoyed him the most was that he didn’t even know why he felt like this. 

“But it was easier before.” 

He didn’t want to get into more details, but of course Simon wasn’t letting go of it. “You hated each other before, you hate each other now. What’s the difference?”

Magnus groaned. “I don’t know, it's just not the same anymore,” he said, putting one elbow on the counter to rest his head in the hand. “I guess it felt more like my decision before. And then I started acting nice and he just… pushed me away. So now it feels like his decision and I don’t like that.”

“Well, wasn’t it you calling the project off?” Simon asked. 

“You don’t get it. He was being all annoying and cold.” Magnus sighed. Simon had tried to push some information out of him for four days now, but he simply didn’t know what to tell his friend. He had no idea why he was feeling so weirdly empty himself. “It wasn’t going to work out anyways. I’ll just fail the class and it’ll be fine.”

“You could have just told him the truth. I’m sure he would have understood. Of course he acts like that when you start lying to him.” 

“Yeah right,” Magnus said, rolling his eyes. “Because telling the truth is as easy as you make it sound.”

Simon smiled sympathetically and Magnus didn’t like it. “I know it’s hard for you to talk about, but you can’t just keep on avoiding it.”

Magnus sighed. “Not right now, Simon,” he said and the boy with the glasses searched his face in that worried, concerned way. 

At least he moved on from the topic, he probably knew that a discussion about this would only make Magnus even more sad and none of them wanted that. 

Simon started peeling the banana, asking, “Doesn’t Jace ask you why you aren’t showing up to the lectures?”

“No, I told him that I’m sick. And I bet Alec hasn’t mentioned what happened. But I guess it is just a matter of time before he finds out.”

“And what are you going to do, then? You don’t have the book.” Simon always asked just the right questions. But worrying about that wasn’t a top priority, a lot of things were higher on the list. 

“I don’t know yet,” Magnus admitted softly. He just wanted this semester to be over with as quickly as possible so he wouldn’t have to think about that damn boy all the time. 

But he also knew that it wasn’t just going to be easy like that.

\-----

So he had known that it would be stupid showing up way before he got there, but Simon had for some reason managed to force him. He hadn’t even heard a single word of what the lecturer had been saying so far, nothing he couldn’t have easily figured out from Jace’s notes, anyways. 

The blonde boy had noticed him sitting in one of the seats in the back when he and Alec had showed up. Jace had come up to him with Alec standing in the back listening, and said, “Great to see that you are feeling well again. I was starting to get worried.”

At that, Alec had just frowned, but not said anything which Magnus had been very thankful for. Because it was already impossible to get Alec’s blue eyes off his mind and seeing him again certainly wasn’t helping. 

And then Magnus suddenly realized that he was falling behind as the lecture ended and people started to get up. 

He waited for the two brothers to leave before getting up from his chair as well. It was about time that he did something about this. He easily picked up their pace and fell into steps with Alec, who seemed to completely ignore his presence. 

“Great lecture, don’t you think?” Jace asked as he realized that Magnus was walking with them, bending a bit forward to see the man with Alec being in the way. 

“Very,” Magnus lied. “Alec, can I talk to you for a moment?”

“Oh yeah, I bet you guys have a lot to catch up with now that you have been sick and all.” That answered one question. Jace had no idea what had been going on for the past week or so, Alec was clearly hiding it. 

“See you later,” the blonde one said as he took a turn, disappearing down another hallway. Then it was just Magnus and Alec walking together. 

“I sure hope you’re not here because you want me back.” Alec looked stiff.

“Wouldn’t that require me wanting you in the first place?” the tall man asked, because Alec was already being annoying and he wasn’t having it. The boy rolled his eyes. 

“If you’re just here to be mean, I don’t want to talk to you.” Magnus told himself to stop being like this. He just wasn’t used to rejections, and Alec was giving him a lot of those lately. 

“I’m not,” he finally said, sighing as the words left his mouth. “I’m here because I did something I shouldn’t have done four weeks ago.”

“What did you do?” Alec asked coldly, sounding uninterested. His eyes gave him away, though, revealing that it wasn’t all just nothing to him. It soothed something inside of Magnus. 

“I gave you  _ The Big Anatomy  _ when you asked for it at the library, remember?” Alec didn’t say anything, but he clearly remembered. “It was a mistake.”

“Why?” Was it just Magnus imagining it or did he sound a little bit offended. 

“I don’t like to admit it, but I’m falling behind. And I don’t have a book.”

At that, Alec finally turned to look at Magnus. He slowed down his pace slightly, probably without even noticing it himself. “Are you telling me that the great Magnus Bane is falling behind?”

“Stop calling me that.” Magnus ordered, even though he had no right to demand anything from Alec right now. But Alec calling him that reminded him of how their relationship had been before all of this had started. 

“Why did you give it to me, then?” Alec asked confusedly. Magnus liked it better when he was a little bit confused, because then his face would be soft and his emotions would show just slightly. 

“Because of that thing you said about your dad.” Alec frowned as Magnus said the words. “And I just kind of figured that you needed it more than I did,” Magnus continued, it being the truth. 

“It’s too late now, though.” Alec said. “I’m using it.”

“I know that, but I’m desperate. So I thought that maybe I could borrow it from time to time? We could take turns.”

“Take turns?” Alec asked, snorting, clearly doubting this idea. Maybe it wasn’t as brilliant as Magnus had thought at home after all. 

“Yes.” Alec seemed to be deep in his thoughts, arguing with himself. His face was put in a soft frown, hair falling into his eyes in a cute way. Magnus hated himself for thinking that. 

“You’re annoying.” It didn’t come out angrily or blamefully, it came out more as a statement. Not much to Magnus’ surprise, though. 

He had to ask the question. “And why is that?” 

“Because now I have to give you the book.” And well, that was unexpected. Magnus had thought that the boy would just start an argument that would get them both all worked up and angry. Instead, he was just giving up, which was nothing like him. 

“Really?” Magnus asked, not believing this. A frown had found its way to his forehead. 

They had reached the front door now, so Alec stopped in his tracks, turning to face the slightly taller boy. “Yes,” he said. 

“Well… great.” 

Alec reached for his bag on his shoulder and pulled out the book, handing it over to Magnus, who took it. “I don’t like the thought of owing you a favor.”

That made Magnus feel like a bad person. Even though he needed the book, so did Alec, and was this really fair? His chest tightened a little bit.

Something about the whole scene had him realize that this was probably the first time that one of them had ever owed the other one anything. The key to hating each other the way Magnus and Alec hated each other was to never give anything of yourself. Not even the slightest bit. 

Because once you did, it would all be a little bit different. And actually, Magnus  _ had  _ given the slightest bit of himself to Alec that day at the library without even having realized it. Because maybe, without his notice, he had actually cared.

And it had changed something. Without the two of them knowing it, but if he took home this book now, then it would all just go back to normal. And well… deep down, he didn’t really want that.

But he cleared his throat, convincing himself that it wasn’t his problem and Alec was the reason for all of this, anyways. The boy could have just not been so annoyingly stubborn, for fucks sake. 

“Neither do I,” he said with a slight hint of sadness. He didn’t know how else to act around Alec, it wasn’t like he was going to be honest and tell him about all of those thoughts.

Then something weird happened. The younger one squeezed his face into a nervous look, hand coming up to scratch the back of his neck. Magnus had seen that look on his face before, he just couldn’t seem to remember when. 

“You weren’t, uhm…” Alec started, but trailed off in a search for words. “You weren’t feeling very sick, right? It wasn’t something serious, was it?”

The soft tone to his words had Magnus’ heart beat suddenly fast beneath his ribcage, it almost made his chest ache. Was Alec  _ worried _ ? 

That was too much of a change. But why else would he be looking like that, eyes careful and observative? And Magnus felt bad for having lied about being sick, now. Had he known that Alec actually cared, he wouldn’t have done it. 

“Don’t worry,” Magnus managed to get out. What was happening to him? Why was this damn boy able to get his heart to race like this and control his mood like no one else could? “It was just the flu.”

And now he probably wouldn’t be able to get that cute, shy look on Alec’s face off his mind. Great. Absolutely great. 

It was still on his mind as he made his way home and got out his things to start studying. Simon was playing the guitar in his room, the walls in the apartment were incredibly thin so it was a good thing that Magnus enjoyed his music. 

He tried his best to push the thoughts of the boy to the back of his mind as he started writing in his notebook what he had to catch up with. 

He wasn’t really paying much attention to the moment as he searched the pages of the book, trying to find the one about the abdominal muscles that Alec and him had meant to go through last week but hadn’t gotten the chance to finish. He hummed along to the sound of Simon’s guitar. Lately his friend had been going through a Pink Floyd phase and the last couple of days, Wish You Were Here had been filling out the silence of their apartment. 

The music soothed some of the unsettlement in Magnus’ body.

As he finally found the page, something dropped to the ground. “Oops,” Magnus muttered quietly, bending down to pick up the piece of paper that had been trapped between two pages. 

Then a frown was on his face. On the paper were drawings of the human body, each drawing peeling off another layer. The first one was with skin, but still curving the right places and swelling where the muscles would be hidden. The next one was a drawing of the superficial muscles, every detail made so neatly that Magnus had to hold his breath. His eyes scanned the rest of them down to the one with only the bones, his heart beating fast and he felt completely struck by this person’s talent and by every perfect line. 

Had these drawings been in the book back when he had found it in the library? He surely would have remembered something as gorgeous as this. It couldn’t be Alec, could it? Even though Magnus did remember Alec’s hands being covered in paint that first time they had to study together.

He turned the piece of paper around, getting a glimpse of what was on the other side, and that’s when it hit him. His sternum was burning with heat, pressing all of the air out of his lungs. 

It was a drawing of a shirtless man with toned muscles, drawn just the right way so the skin and the bumps along his chest seemed realistic. He was leaning back against one hand, while the other one was supporting his head underneath the chin. His nails were painted matt black, matching the color that was lining his eyes, making his features seem beautiful. 

Magnus recognized who it was right away. It was him. All the details were accurate, from the slightly crooked eyes to the exact shape of the ears. 

All, but one detail. Across the chest, just above where the heart would be, was a butterfly. A gorgeously drawn butterfly reflecting on the man’s skin like a newly made, glowing tattoo. 

And it hit him all at once. First of all, Alec knew how to draw. Actually, Alec was really talented and had been hiding this side of himself away from Magnus all of this time. And second of all, Alec was drawing gorgeous pictures of  _ Magnus _ . 

“Simon!” Magnus called out loudly as he realized a third thing, his hands shaking. “ _ Simon! _ ” he tried again, this time almost screaming. The music stopped as the dark haired boy came rushing out of the room, carrying his guitar in one hand and looking scared. 

“What is it? Are you alright?” he asked nervously. 

“No. I think I’m going crazy. A thought just mysteriously appeared inside of my head and I need to say it out loud with you around so you can tell me that I’m being weird and stupid and that it isn’t true.” Magnus said unsteadily. 

“Mags, you’re scaring me,” Simon commented as he stepped closer, worry flashing through his face. 

Magnus took in a deep breath. “I think I have a crush on Alec. And I have no idea when it happened or  _ how  _ it happened, but I just realized that I actually feel this thing towards him that isn’t just hate.”

“You’re crazy,” Simon said, just as Magnus had told him to a minute ago. “No, Mags, you hate him. Remember? He makes you stay home from school and gets you all angry and annoyed. No, you definitely hate him.”

“But I don’t,” Magnus tried to argue, eyes unable to rip themselves from the drawing. “Or maybe I do, but there is something else, too. I definitely have a crush on him. That’s why this hate that I feel towards him has changed. Remember that we talked about it? I know why now.”

“You don’t have a  _ crush  _ on Alec.”

“I do, Simon.”

And what was Simon going to say to that? He couldn’t possibly know what Magnus was feeling towards the blue eyed boy with the dark hair. 

Magnus wasn't even in any doubt. He had a crush on Alec. 

\-------

Alec groaned loudly as he leaned back in the chair, covering his face with both hands. Now he had been trying to understand these two pages in the book for more than three hours and still, nothing made sense to him. Not even a little bit. 

“You sound frustrated,” his brother commented. “What is it?” 

As if it wasn’t more than obvious what it was that Alec was frustrated about. Jace was so annoying when he concentrated on something, he never showed sympathy or tried to help Alec. 

“What do you  _ think? _ ” Alec complained, the sound a little bit muffled because of his hands being in the way. 

Jace moved in his chair, so Alec had to split his fingers to see what he was doing. The blonde one was looking in Alec’s book, trying to see what he was at. “You’re still on those pages?” he asked, then. 

“Yes,” Alec groaned, letting his hands drop to the table. “And I don’t know how I’m supposed to learn all of this in just one week.”

“You should have started three weeks ago, then,” was all that his brother had to say to that statement. It pissed Alec off. 

“I couldn’t. Magnus has been pushing me with Anatomy, so I didn’t have the time for Heart and Lungs, too.”

“But you knew that this exam was coming up first,” Jace said. Alec would have prefered it if he just completely stopped talking, because everything he said was useless and annoying. 

“Stop telling me what I should have done and tell me what to do now, instead.” the dark haired boy ordered, his tone a bit sharp. It was like Jace didn’t even notice that Alec was annoyed and stressed out. 

“Why don’t you ask Magnus for help? This was one of his favorite courses and I’m sure he wouldn’t mind.”

Alec rolled his eyes. “Yeah right,” he said, closing the book violently. If he wasn’t getting anywhere anyways, there was no point in studying. 

“I’m serious,” Jace said. 

Alec hadn’t really told Jace about what happened between the two of them, and he wasn’t in the mood right now to bring it up. So he just crossed his arms, feeling tired and useless to the bones. 

“I don’t want him to know that I failed this subject, anyways,” Alec muttered, more meant for himself than for Jace to hear. 

“Do you just keep everything from each other or what?” Jace sounded surprised. “He doesn’t know that you paint, either. And you didn’t even know that he was sick?”

“We don’t like each other. And we don’t want to get to know each other, so it’s just easier that way.” Alec had been trying to convince himself that it was the truth for about a week now. And each time he said it out loud, he started doubting it more and more. 

A part of him was actually really worried. That thing he had said about an ugly tattoo that day Magnus had called the project off had definitely been hurtful, it had been so clear in his golden eyes. But with everything going on, he just hadn’t had the energy to try to fix it.

“It sounds stupid,” Jace said. “I mean, I like both of you a lot. So I just don’t get it. Both of you are sweet and funny and care a lot about how other people feel. I would have thought that you’d love each other, but for some reason you just…. clash. It’s just that I’m nothing like you guys. I’m rude and annoying, and still you like me.”

Alec sighed. This was too much to think about right now, because reality was that it took effort. A lot, actually, to keep up the cold facade, and even more to not accidentally start  _ liking  _ Magnus. 

“I don’t know,” Alec muttered. “Maybe you’re right.”

Jace shrugged. “It doesn’t even matter if I’m right.” he said. “If you don’t ask Magnus for help, you’re probably going to fail this class.” Alec shot the boy a poisonous look which made Jace tilt his head. “Oh come on, Alec, you know that it is true.”

“So what are you saying?” Alec said, not arguing with that statement. 

“I’m just saying that you can hate him all you want and never give him an actual change, but you have to tell him about this. You know that dad will kill you if you fail this course again. His help would probably do a lot”

Alec hated how true it was. He hated that Jace was always right and didn’t struggle with these kind of things. He hated his dad for having such a big impact on his life. And he hated Magnus, but at the same time he didn’t really hate Magnus at all. 

He just hated being constantly reminded of what he could never be and what he could never have.

“I’ll think about it,” Alec ended up saying, but he knew he wouldn’t. Magnus could never know.

\-----

“So what are you going to tell him?” Simon asked from the doorway. His hair was still wet from having just showered, it stuck to his forehead and made his glasses fog. 

“I haven’t really thought about that yet,” Magnus admitted. He looked towards his bookshelf and caught a glimpse of  _ The Big Anatomy.  _ He had put the drawing back inside. “Maybe I’ll just give him back the book.”

“Maybe you should have thought about it before you asked him to come,” Simon teased. Magnus just rolled his eyes, trying not to let it show how threateningly fast his heart was beating. 

“I panicked.” It was actually kind of true. He had seen the drawing and immediately regretted taking the book from the boy, because he didn’t hate Alec. He didn’t want him to fail. They owed each other to do this project together and put aside everything else. 

He didn’t like to admit it, but there was something else too. He couldn’t help but wonder why Alec had drawn that picture, imagining Magnus without a shirt and getting every detail of his face right. Was there something slightly… sexual about it? 

The thought made his breath catch. He shouldn’t be thinking about this. He had asked Alec to come so he could hand over the book and tell him that he wanted to finish the project with him, that was all. At least that’s what he tried to convince himself of.

“Inviting over your arch-enemy isn’t something you usually do when you panic,” Simon said with a smirk. Magnus would have made a funny comment to that had he been on his senses. He wasn’t though, his mind was everywhere and nowhere at the same time. 

“I just need to see him,” he finally admitted. “That’s all.”

“Maybe you should hold back with the crush-thing, though,” Simon said, his face squeezed into a funny smile. 

That much was obvious. Magnus already regretted telling Simon about it, because the past two days the boy had been making funny comments whenever he got the chance. Which, apparently, was almost all the time. 

“I know,” was all that the golden eyed one said. 

“I mean, he couldn’t even handle not hating you. What do you think he’ll do if you fall on your knees and just-”

Simon was cut off by the sound of the front door opening. He widened his eyes, mouthing  _ he’s here  _ in Magnus’ direction. 

Magnus felt a little bit paralyzed in the moment, thinking about calling out to Alec to say that they were in his room, but his throat tightened before he got any words out.

“We’re over here,” Simon ended up yelling, which was actually kind of nice. Magnus sent him a thankful nod as he got up from the chair he had been sitting in, drying off his sweaty hands in his jeans in the process. 

_ Maybe  _ he had put on the jeans from the drawing, hoping that Alec had drawn them because he liked them. Which Simon had thought was dumb.

“Hey Simon.” The boy was getting closer, sounding a little bit out of breath. Maybe the stairs had gotten his pulse up. Maybe his skin was a little bit damp and his cheeks a little red from the blood pumping in his body, and… Magnus really needed to stop thinking about this. 

“Hello,” Simon greeted. He stepped away from the doorway to give Alec access. And yes, his cheeks  _ were  _ a little bit red and slightly blushing.

“Alexander,” Magnus said as always. Alec walked inside, his back facing the boy with the glasses so he didn’t see how Simon rolled his eyes at the way Magnus’ voice sounded slightly nervous. Magnus thought about killing him. 

“Magnus.” That was usually how their greetings went, anyways, so nothing new on that front. As Magnus saw Simon opening his mouth to add something, he hurried to get to the door and shut it in his face before the boy got any words out. 

“So…” Alec said, looking around the room for somewhere to sit before going with the bed. His body looked even taller as he sat down, shifting uncomfortably as if the situation was getting to him. Magnus couldn’t help but think that he was gorgeous. “What do you want from me now, then?”

There was a hint of something to his voice. Magnus couldn’t quite decipher it. Maybe it was just tiredness, because his eyes sure looked weary. 

Magnus sighed, shaking his head while trying to regain control. “Sorry about that,” he said honestly. “It wasn’t fair of me.”

“It really wasn’t,” was all that Alec said. And the atmosphere was so tense, Magnus couldn’t be the only one noticing it. It was like they were both too worn out to start an argument, but knew that it hung like a threat above them and waited for one of them to make a wrong move. 

Magnus played with one of his rings awkwardly before deciding to sit down next to the younger boy. He crossed his legs, hoping that the boy couldn’t hear his unsteady heartbeat or smell his nervousness. “I know that now. I just kind of panicked, because I’ve never really tried falling behind before and yeah, sorry, I didn’t mean to take it from you.”

“Did you ask me here to say that?” Alec asked coldly, but shifted on the bed, which gave away his uncomfortableness. 

“No!” Magnus hurried to reassure. “I mean, not only because of that. But I wanted you to know that, too.”

“I don’t have time for all of this and I don’t think it’s a good idea to take turns with the book. So if you just asked me here to say that, it’s better if you just keep it and-”

“It’s not because of that, Alexander,” Magnus interrupted. “And it’s not because of the book. It’s because of us.”

Alec’s eyes flickered, he seemed a little nervous too, and it was obvious that something was on his mind. He tried his best to hide it away behind the cold stare. Magnus was so afraid of scaring him off by saying something that could be misunderstood, so instantly he regretted his choice of words. 

“Nothing serious or anything. I needed us to talk, because this fight is stupid and things were going so well. I don’t want it all to end and… yeah …you probably know what I mean.”

“You mean you asked me here because of the project, right?” Alec asked tonelessly. Magnus thanked god for the boy still sitting there, listening to all the bullshit that Magnus was letting out.

“Exactly.” It relaxed Magnus a little bit. He cleared his throat. “I’m sorry that I acted that way. I shouldn’t have given up just because of something that small.”

Alec swallowed, his Adam's apple bubbling. Suddenly, Magnus was very aware of how close they were sitting. 

His feelings were right there, demanding to be felt.

“Well it’s too late to change that now,” Alec said, breaking the eye contact to stare at his hands. It was clear that he tried his best to keep up the straight look on his face and not let any emotions show, and it hurt Magnus a little bit to realize.

“We could try again?” Magnus suggested carefully. 

“When would that be, then?” Alec asked. He didn’t sound happy about the idea, but at least he wasn’t shooting it down right away

“Uhm…” Magnus said, gaze roaming the room until it landed on the book. “We could just figure out the practical things right now if you want to,” he continued as he got up from the bed, taking out the book from the shelf. 

“Now?” Alec asked nervously, and Magnus didn’t understand why he was being so weird today. 

“Yes, I mean you’ve had the book the past week so I’m sure you’re a little bit ahead of me. If you just tell me what you have been going through, I’ll make sure to catch up and then we could meet up tomorrow to-”

“Tomorrow,” Alec said slowly. He bit his inner cheek, forcing his eyes away from Magnus’. “Right. Tomorrow.”

“Or today, we’ve already been wasting time. I know that.” Magnus searched Alec’s face for a reaction, but when he didn’t see one, he opened the book nervously to look at the table of contents. “We were at the abdominal muscles last week. And we’ll obviously need to get that part finished at some point. Then we still need to go through the leg, the hand, the lower back, the-”

“Okay, stop talking,” Alec interrupted. And his eyes were wild, his lower lip trembling a little bit. Was it of anger?

Magnus took a defensive step backwards, swallowing at the sharp tone. “If you’ve already been through these things on your own, just tell me so. I don’t want to just be dead weight for you, so I’ll catch up,” he said. 

“Right Magnus,” Alec said through a shaky voice, he was probably trying his best to control it but didn’t succeed. “Because  _ you’re  _ the dead weight.”

“What do you mean?” Magnus asked confusedly. 

The boy with the blue eyes exhaled sharply, closing his eyes momentarily as if trying to regain control. Magnus felt his chest tighten, because obviously something was wrong. 

“Are you alright?” he had to ask, voice very careful and uncertain. 

Alec tried to avoid Magnus’ eyes. His face seemed so defenseless. “I’m fine,” he said with a hoarse tone, nowhere near his usual cold, controlled voice.

It made something ache inside of Magnus. He didn’t even know what it was bothering Alec, but he figured that it must have something to do with the two of them. And he hated himself for having allowed this for so long. He should have started treating Alec nicely years ago, maybe then the boy wouldn’t feel like he had to hide away his feelings from Magnus.

But it was too late now. And Magnus felt like there was nothing left for him to say that would make the boy realize that he regretted the past two years. 

He felt a little bit awkward about just standing there, so he said, “I think it would be best to just start with the abdominal muscles. That’s where we left it last time we studied together. I tried to go through the pages in the book about it yesterday, but some of the stuff was kind of hard to understand, so I figured that we shouldn’t just put it off until the last minute. Do you want to just start now or-”

“I can’t now,” Alec said with his hoarse, shaky voice. 

“Tomorrow then? I could just come by your place at-”

“I can’t tomorrow either,” Alec interrupted. He swallowed, looking vulnerable in a way that Magnus had never seen before. “But you just go ahead. Don’t even wait for me, I mean not doing this thing together has worked perfectly fine for us so far. And if you really want to talk about dead weight, fine, let’s. You’re probably going to start going 1000 miles per hour again once we get back to the project, and I’m going to be right here, dragging you backwards.”

“No, we’ll do it together and I won’t be like that this time, I promise. Just tell me when you have the time, we’ll figure things out... “ Magnus trailed off as Alec’s hands came up to cover his face. “Alexander?” he asked softly, realizing that the boy had stopped listening a long time ago and was in his own thoughts. 

A small sob escaped his mouth and it hit Magnus like an electrical shock. He hadn’t realized that the boy had been on the edge of  _ tears.  _ It filled his body with worry, but he just stood there feeling paralyzed. Some part of him wanted to comfort Alec, rub his back and ask him what was wrong. 

“I can’t do this right now,” Alec said, voice partly choked and as he removed his hands, Magnus saw that tears had started making their way down his cheeks. His eyes were blank and a little swollen. 

“Are you crying?” Magnus asked dumbly, but with a worried tone to the words. 

“What does it look like?” Alec asked through tears, putting up his defenses right away. He had already gotten up from the bed and was throwing the door open, not looking over his shoulder as he walked with quick steps out of the room. 

Magnus should be going after him. He knew that, but he just couldn’t. Instead he kept on standing there with the book in his hand, wondering how this whole thing just happened. He hardly even heard Simon’s soft voice from the kitchen as he asked the boy if he was alright. 

“Why is Alec crying?” Simon asked blamefully once the entrance door had been shut with force and Simon had made his way back into Magnus’ room. 

“I don’t know,” Magnus said. 

Simon didn’t seem to buy that. “Did you say something stupid? I know how you get sometimes.”

“I swear I didn’t. He just started crying out of nowhere.”

“Look, Mags, people don’t just start crying out of nowhere. That’s not normal. And I don’t know what you did but you better apologize to him, okay?” Simon lectured him with serious eyes. Magnus felt something in his chest as well, and Simon’s strict gaze made him want to cry too. 

“I would if I knew what I’d be apologizing for.” 

“Just go,” Simon said, pointing a finger towards Magnus’ door. Magnus looked at him blankly. 

“Go where?”

“Go after him, idiot.” And well, maybe it was the right thing to do. And Magnus knew very well that if he didn’t go after Alec right now, he would definitely regret it later.

His heart was just twitching in such a weird way at the thought. 


	6. The night before

Alec leaned his head backwards, accepting the cold water to run down his face and drip from his chin. His eyes were closed and he did his best to shut out every thought, for a short moment enjoying the coldness and freshness of the shower. 

So many feelings were in his body that he desperately needed to get rid of. One thing he had realized on the drive home was that he’d never really allowed himself to get vulnerable like that in front of anyone. He was raised differently, had always been told to never let anyone know when he struggled. 

And that damn exam was like a painful reminder in the back of his mind. It was the thought of his dad’s harsh words that stressed him out the most, because he knew that this was his last chance to show him that he wasn’t stupid and weak. Even though he had to fight to keep on believing that himself. 

He rubbed his face with both hands, trying to wash away the last bit of salty tears that had been running down his cheeks all the way home. But right now he just felt worn out in such a way that numbness was taking over his body. He didn’t know if he liked it more than the frustrating, angry sadness. 

And the memory of Magnus’ golden, cat-like eyes just wouldn’t leave him. He had spent the past week convincing himself that he didn’t need the man, but now, with the unsettlement in his body and Magnus’ careful, worried words on his mind, he wasn’t so sure about it. 

Maybe they actually needed each other in some ways. And if he had to think of one thing in that moment that he longed for, it would definitely be Magnus, even though he didn’t like to admit it.

Eventually, he got out of the shower and dried off his body, putting on a pair of sweatpants and a T-shirt that was too big on him. It was the kind of moment where he just needed a cup of tea and a blanket and something ridiculous on the TV, because he was too emotional to start studying again. 

The book was open on the table in the living room, papers thrown all over the floor and he sighed deeply. He went to the kitchen to boil some water. 

His apartment felt so empty and lonely at times like these. Usually, he enjoyed his own company and didn’t have a problem with being alone, but now it just made him feel… hollow in a way. 

He thought about calling Izzy. She was the only person he really trusted with his feelings when it came to these kind of things. He didn’t want her to worry, though, but was sure that it would help soothe some of the weirdness in his body. 

Eventually he took out his phone, dialing her number. It rang only one time before a careful knock was at his front door. He listened closely, wondering if it was something he had just imagined, but the sound was back a second later, a little bit more determined this time. 

Frowning, he thought about who it could be. “Hello Alec,” Izzy’s voice said from the phone just as he was in his own mind, wondering about the knock and it ripped him back to reality. 

“Oh, hey Izzy. Sorry, I actually can’t talk right now,” he said confusedly, taking the phone down from his ear. And he heard her laugh through the phone while claiming that “you called me, sweetie.” But he wasn’t paying much attention, instead pressed the red button and put the phone on the counter. 

And a part of him had of course already known. That was why his heart was beating suddenly fast as he slowly, but steadily opened the front door. But it still managed to surprise him just how careful and soft the look on Magnus’ face was, and more than anything it surprised him how it made him feel somehow relieved to see the man. 

“Oh, hey,” Alec said quietly, having a hard time looking Magnus in the eyes. But with everything that had happened lately he just didn’t know what to feel around the man. He felt a million things all at once, but right in that moment, he didn’t really feel angry or frustrated as usual. 

“Sorry about just showing up like this,” Magnus said carefully, his cheeks glowing red from having just been outside in the cold autumn weather. “I know you probably don’t want me to be here, but please don’t tell me to leave, because-”

“Thank you for coming,” Alec interrupted, swallowing as he realized that there was no point in denying everything. It would hurt him too much to send the boy away now. 

The words seemed to be unexpected, Magnus widened his eyes a little bit before smiling slightly, clear waves of relief going through his face. “Of course,” he said, voice just above a whisper. He sniffed, the coldness probably still roaming his body and for some reason, it made Alec feel a little bit better.

“Do you want a cup of tea?” the younger one asked, stepping away from the door to give Magnus access. The man hesitated only a short second before going inside, his tall body seeming a little nervous and careful. 

“Yeah,” he breathed out as he took off his coat and boots, Alec finally daring to catch his eyes to send a little smile. The younger boy didn’t wait for him, he went to the kitchen where the water had finished boiling and took out two cups. 

Maybe it had something to do with the autumn weather as well. He tended to always feel more emotional at this time of the year, so he figured that it must also be the reason for all of this. 

Alec could feel the warmth of Magnus’ presence once the man came into the kitchen as well. “Did you just shower?” he asked. If it had been only hours ago, Alec would have made a sharp comment like “what do you think?” because of it being so obvious, but right now he didn’t. Instead he breathed out a “Yeah” underneath a soft voice.

And had it always been simple like that to not hate Magnus? It seemed too easy, but maybe Alec had just been insisting on hating him for so long that he had completely overlooked it. 

“You smell really nice,” Magnus said honestly, crossing his arms and leaning back against the counter next to Alec. His hands were hidden inside the sleeves of his cozy, warm sweater and Alec couldn’t help but smile. He didn’t know what was happening, but didn’t really care, either.

“I only have earl grey,” he said, because he felt a blush creep up on him and didn’t want Magnus to know that his words actually affected him. “I hope that’s alright.”

Magnus let out a small laugh and Alec remembered them having had a similar talk before. “Maybe I’ll just go with coffee, then,” the older boy said with a soft smile on his face, shifting a little bit by the counter. It was definitely not only Alec who felt nervous and uncertain about this. 

It was easier then, because being nervous on your own was the worst feeling. Without questioning the man’s choice, Alec found the instant coffee in one of the cabinets. 

“Did you take the bus here?” he asked as Magnus sniffed once again, curling into his sweater a little bit more. It was getting cold in the apartment and Alec was walking around barefoot. It was actually a little bit stupid, but he had always loved the feeling of getting out of a shower just to walk around with his feet bare. 

“Actually not,” Magnus said. “I took Simon’s bike. God, I hate biking.”

“I can’t even imagine you on a bike.” The picture was suddenly on Alec’s mind and he let out a laugh, feeling himself relax even with Magnus’ soft eyes on him. “I mean, your legs are so long and, well… Simon is a lot shorter than you are.”

“It wasn't that far. Luckily. The bus wasn’t in another hour, so…” Magnus trailed off, biting his inner cheek. “And you didn’t really seem okay.”

Alec’s gaze flickered. It wasn’t a secret, they had both been there when it happened, but this was just so new to him and he was still getting used to it. He sighed, picking up the tea and the coffee and leading the way to the living room. 

“It’s because I’m doing the reexamination in Heart and Lungs.” There it was, said out loud as Alec walked inside to put the cups on the table by the couch, then sitting down, curling his legs up underneath his body. 

The papers were still all over the place, so there was no way he could hide it away. He heard the man make a soft noise behind him but couldn’t see his face. 

“Oh,” Magnus said. “And when is the exam?”

“In four days.”

The weight of Magnus caused the couch to move slightly as the older one sat down next to Alec. It was hard to decipher his expression, Alec wasn’t used to the softness on his face. “You should have told me. I didn’t know,” Magnus said as he reached out for a cup, blowing at it and causing steam to hit his face. 

“It was kind of on purpose.” Looking back, it seemed stupid that he had been hiding it away, but something was different now. There was this thing now, something unspoken that they both knew rested in the air between them and waited to be addressed.

“I figured,” Magnus said. “But are you just a little nervous? Or are you having some trouble with it?” His golden cateyes tried to catch Alec’s every move, every facial expression and every small sound of uncomfortableness. But it was alright, it was about time that he started being honest about it, anyways. 

“There are a lot of things that I still don’t understand. And it just stresses me out.”

“Well, now I understand why you didn’t want to focus on Anatomy,” Magnus said with a hint of a joking tone. “But Alec, don’t be sad about it. I’m sure it’ll be fine, there is still plenty of time.”

And it was the first time that the man had ever called Alec that. Which seemed stupid, because it was his  _ name,  _ but the way it escaped his lips was a clear statement that they weren’t enemies anymore. They were on the same side. 

“Really?” Alec asked. 

“Definitely. I can help you through it if you want me to?” he suggested as the caring person that Alec knew, deep down, that he was. It warmed something inside of him. “Anatomy can wait until this is done.” Magnus smiled. 

“I was really hoping that you’d say that,” Alec admitted with relief in his voice, sending a shy smile to the older one. And if it wasn’t just him imagining it, Magnus definitely blushed a little bit, shifting slightly on the couch. 

It was probably the first time that Alec had felt that kind of glowing, warm luck in his chest. He had been turning down Magnus for weeks, but the boy was still here, ready to put everything aside to help Alec. 

“Of course,” Magnus breathed out softly. And their eyes on each other was not tense or electrical as usual, it was nice. And it made Alec’s heart beat so fast that he could almost hear it in his ears. 

Eventually he had to break it just to catch his breath, so he cleared his throat, saying, “Do you want a blanket? I know it’s a little cold in here.”

Magnus nodded and Alec reached out for two in the basket by the couch. It was weird how they had spent hours in this room, but had never once just enjoyed each other’s company like this and sat on the couch with a hot cup of something, just talking.

“You could just turn up the heat,” Magnus suggested with a teasing smile, curling up in his blanket with his coffee in his hand and his sweater covering his wrists. “Simon insists on having such a high temperature at our place that I can’t even walk around in sweaters. I swear, he acts so macho but is such a girl after all.”

“Yeah, but my dad pays the heating bill,” Alec explained. It sounded a little lame as he said it out loud, so he shook his head, clarifying, “This is actually his apartment, so I just pay him a fixed amount to live here. So whenever I turn up the heat, he notices and starts questioning me about it.”

“He sounds…  _ weird, _ ” Magnus seemed to settle on after having searched for the right word to use. And weird was an understatement. 

“He is awful.” Most people always made that certain expression when Alec said that, because it’s not something most people say about their parents. Especially not when the parents pay for both education and a good amount of the monthly rent. 

But Magnus didn’t even flinch. He just looked a little curious, taking a sip of his coffee and then asked, “Why is that?” 

“We’re three kids. Me, Jace and our little sister, Izzy. I don’t know if Jace has told you about her?”

“No, I didn’t know you had a sister,” Magnus simply said. 

“Well, Jace and Izzy are a lot alike. They’re really strong-minded and clever. They’re good at what my dad wants them to be good at, so naturally, he likes them a lot,” Alec explained, his eyes turning a little distant as he thought about his dad. 

“But you’re good at a lot of things too,” Magnus argued, probably just to be nice. 

“I’m really not,” the younger one stated. “At least not at things that matter. And he gets angry so easily, I just feel like I can never do things the right way. I mean, I try my best and I do everything I can, but it’s never good enough.”

His voice had changed a little bit. It always happened when he spoke about his dad, his tone would always become vulnerable and shaky. Silently and so lightly that Alec almost didn’t sense it, Magnus placed a hand on top of his.

And he allowed it. He let the man squeeze it carefully and hold it to comfort him. “Can I ask you something?” Magnus then said, voice low and soft. 

“Yes.” Alec tried to get his racing heart under control as nervousness started spreading. 

“I mean, it was your dad who wanted you and Jace to study Medicine, right?” Magnus was quick to catch on to everything. 

“We never had a choice. It had always been decided,” Alec explained.

“Yeah, I think Jace told me that once, too. I just didn’t put much thought into it.” Magnus shifted a bit, removing his hand to grab the cup with both. Alec instantly missed it being there, the burning feeling of it above his that kept on reminding him where he was and with who. 

“Was that the question?” the blue eyed one asked. 

Magnus hesitated. “No, but… I don't know if it is rude to ask about.”

“That’s alright.” In that very moment, Alec couldn’t think of a single thing that Magnus could say that would get him angry. It had probably never happened before, because it was  _ Magnus  _ for god’s sake. The perfect, gorgeous boy who had always gotten under his skin in such a way that it would get his blood to boil with anger.

And suddenly, he wasn’t just underneath his skin, he was in his veins, going with the system through his body towards a destination that had been determined all along.

“Do you even want to be a doctor?” Magnus asked. The question hit like a punch to the stomach, but the words weren’t judgeful or mean. They were curious. And more than anything, they were filled with concern, because Magnus actually cared about what Alec wanted. 

He didn’t even know how to respond. He just shrugged. “Not in the beginning. I hated it because my dad wanted me to like it.”

“But?” Magnus asked. 

Alec thought about it, hugging the blanket closer and making sure that his feet were completely covered by it. “I don’t know,” he said. “It feels a little different now. Ever since we started studying together, I’ve started liking it more and more. Maybe it’s because I finally  _ understand.” _

Magnus smiled. “Things are definitely changing.”

“I’m just trying to get used to it.”

Magnus looked down in his mug, clearly thinking about something that Alec didn’t know about. The man swallowed, saying, “It was always so obvious on your face that you didn’t like being at the lectures. I figured it was because you didn’t really want to be a doctor. And it used to make me so mad.”

“That’s what made you mad?”

“Yes,” Magnus confirmed softly, refusing to meet Alec’s eyes. “Now I know why you had that look on your face. But back then I didn’t.”

“But why did it matter if I liked it or not?”

At that, his golden, cat-like eyes turned to look directly into Alec’s. They were blank, the light reflecting in them. “It matters a lot. Being a doctor comes with a great responsibility. It’s not just for fun. People’s lives depend on it.”

And something clicked inside of Alec. Something he had always wondered about, that had gotten to his head and had kept him up at night at times. 

And he could have been angry about it. He had every right to, for two years the cat like man had hated him and treated him poorly just because he wasn’t quite as smart. Alec had received dead stares and sharp comments every time he had made just the smallest mistake. 

But Alec wasn’t angry. Because Magnus was right.

“I haven’t really thought of it that way,” he admitted carefully, looking out for Magnus’ reaction. 

“I don’t blame you,” the older one said. Then he drank the last bit of coffee, putting back the mug on the table, clearly wanting to move on from the topic. “And how is it going with your tea? Are you done?”

“No, I forgot about it. It’s probably cold by now.”

Magnus smiled. “Okay how about this?” he asked. “I’ll make you a new cup of tea. And then we’ll start going through some of the stuff? Just to get a feeling of how busy we’ll be the next couple of days.”

Actually, Alec really liked that idea. 

\-----

The time was already around ten o'clock in the evening. Tiredness had started to roam Alec’s body and all that kept him awake at this point was the fact that it was a matter of hours before it came down to the make or break moment. 

He was almost there. So close to done that he’d probably pass the test even if he closed his eyes right now and didn’t open them again until the examination. 

He wasn’t prepared to take that risk, though, so he kept his eyes open and went through some of the hard pages once again. 

Magnus came back into the living room with a blanket around his body and a cup of coffee in one hand. “This is the last one, Alec. No more coffee then.”

Alec smiled at the man, holding out his hands to take the mug from Magnus. “Thank you,” he said, warming his hands on it and turning his attention back to the pages he had been in the middle of going through. 

“Just be careful, okay? We don’t want you to be all tired tomorrow,” the older one said, worry clear in his voice. He sat down on the couch next to Alec and looked over the boy’s shoulder to get a glimpse of what he was at. 

“The exam isn’t until 12 o’clock. Don’t worry, Magnus.”

“You’ve already gone through those pages three times today,” the man teased. Alec smiled at the words, but didn’t let his eyes leave the book. 

They had been in this bubble for the past three days. It had been so intense that the only times the two had left the apartment was when there was absolutely nothing left to eat in the refrigerator or when it had gotten so late that they called off the work for the day.

Alec had offered his couch, but for some reason Magnus insisted on going back home to sleep each night. The least the boy could do was give him a ride, then. 

Now, on the edge of all of this, Magnus’ company felt so familiar and safe. 

“I know that. I just really want to pass.”

Magnus sent a soft smile, his long legs curling up underneath his body. Alec liked how his tall body could look so small and cuddly just because of the blanket and the softness in Magnus’ eyes. “Trust me, you’ll be more than fine.”

Alec knew that Magnus was right. He looked up at the man, leaning back on the couch with the book resting in his lap and the cup of coffee in one hand. “Thanks,” he said softly. “I’m starting to get a little bit tired now as well.”

“Honestly, you should just go to bed,” Magnus let the boy know, his voice sounding a little bit protective. 

“You should encourage me to keep going. I’m finally taking this seriously,” Alec teased. “And besides, you just made me this coffee, so now I gotta drink it.”

It was obviously a lame argument, so the man laughed a little bit at the words. It hadn’t really been that much of an issue to concentrate for the past days. It wasn’t before now that Alec finally felt the stress leave his body, and now he had the time to actually think about what had been going on for the past three days, and how much time the two had been spending together. 

“You don’t have to drink it,” Magnus said as he reached out for the book in Alec’s lap. The younger one opened his mouth to argue, but for some reason held in every word as Magnus removed the book to place it on the table. 

“Oh okay. You don’t want me to study anymore?” Alec asked. 

“No, you need a break.” 

Magnus had tried to convince Alec multiple times that learning was easier when taking a break once in a while. He claimed that it helped remembering, and well, Magnus was usually right about things like that.

It was also getting late. The most logical thing to do would probably be to just go to bed and accept that there was nothing left for him to learn. 

“Maybe I’m done for today. It’s been pretty intense the past couple of days,” Alec said softly, adjusting the blanket around his legs. He sipped his coffee, telling himself that he’d drive Magnus back home once he had finished drinking it. 

“Well, that’s just how exams are. If it isn’t intense you aren’t doing it the right way,” Magnus teased. Alec just smiled at the boy, feeling the caffeine in his blood and his fingers started to prickle a little bit. Maybe it was just because of how much he actually enjoyed that moment, and because of the tiredness and the caffeine mixing inside of him. 

“How do you manage to keep yourself motivated?” Alec asked. “I mean, I would have given up a long time ago if it hadn’t been for you.”

Magnus’ face was soft and open, but something in his eyes seemed a little bit uncomfortable. He tried with a small smile, hands playing with the edge of the blanket. “I just do,” he said. 

“Come on, you must have a trick,” Alec tried again. He shifted a little bit on the couch so he was facing Magnus completely. 

Magnus clearly thought about the question, debating the answer inside his head. “Well, I knew a doctor once,” he finally said with a careful voice. He swallowed as his eyes drifted to his hands. “And I know that so many people want to study medicine because of a doctor they once had. A great, sympathetic doctor, who motivated them - But this doctor was not a doctor like that.”

“What was he like then?” Alec asked softly. 

“He was arrogant. Very young, hardly older than 27. And it was so obvious that he hated his job. He didn’t even care about his patients,” Magnus explained carefully. A picture instantly started forming inside of Alec’s head, a picture of a young, vulnerable boy with dark hair and golden eyes.

“What did he do?” 

Alec saw as another wave of uncertainty flashed Magnus’ face. His chest raised threateningly quickly, as if the memory was making him slightly angry. Or frustrated, maybe. 

“Nothing in particular,” the older one then said. Alec couldn’t really figure out if it was the truth, but he didn’t want to pressure Magnus into telling him something if the man didn’t want to. So Alec didn’t say anything. “He was just awful.”

“So how does that motivate you?” Alec ended up asking instead, he couldn’t really see where this was going. 

“I want to do it better,” Magnus said. “I want to be able to help people, I want to care about my patients.”

Alec’s heart fluttered a little bit at the words because of how much Magnus actually cared about all of this. He remembered the conversation they had had the other day, Magnus explaining why the lazy look in Alec’s eyes used to make him angry. 

Alec felt a little bit stupid, now.

“I’m sure all of your patients will love you,” he admitted, his rib cage tightening a little bit as the words escaped his mouth. He had never met a person who didn’t like Magnus Bane, not a single one that wasn’t himself.

Magnus smiled, finally letting his burning, cateyes fall on Alec. He didn’t say anything, though, so Alec was the one to break the silence, saying in a teasing tone, “So far, the only motivation I’ve had is my parents yelling at me.”

“But hasn’t that changed a little bit?” Magnus asked carefully.

Alec thought about the question, the past days going through his mind. Magnus’ comfortable presence and the safety of knowing that he cared about Alec passing, too. He hadn’t really felt that kind of motivation before. “It doesn’t feel as much as a burden right now. And I finally understand the stuff I’m trying to learn, so that’s just kind of new to me.” Alec joked, chuckling lightly. “Usually, I suck at everything.”

“Well, that isn’t true,” Magnus argued softly. 

“I know it sounds harsh, but it’s kind of true.” Alec drank a little more of his coffee. It was weird how easy it suddenly was to just be honest around Magnus, it had felt like a wall that needed to be torn down. 

But maybe it was just the fact that this vulnerability was nothing compared to the one Alec had shown three days ago at Magnus’ apartment. 

“Can I ask you something?” Magnus shifted a bit. 

Alec raised a brow, seeing the watchfulness in the golden eyes. “Yeah sure,” he breathed out.

It was completely dark outside and the living room was only lit by a few lamps, the atmosphere warm and safe because of the blankets and the tiredness that was probably in both of their bodies. Alec didn’t want Magnus to leave, it was always so different when he wasn’t around. 

“Aren’t you really good at drawing?” Magnus asked. And Alec couldn’t help but frown, his heart picking up a little bit of pace at the words, because how did he know?

“I see Jace told you,” Alec said steadily, gaze flickering before it landed on the cup of coffee in his hand. “I figured he would eventually.”

“Jace didn’t tell me.” Magnus’ voice was curious and soft. “And why don’t you want me to know?”

“Who told you then?” Alec didn’t answer the latter question, mainly because he wasn’t really sure what the answer would be. 

“I saw a few pictures you drew of some muscles,” Magnus admitted. “And they are incredibly good. Why would you hide them away?”

“Did you see them from my notebook?” Alec asked, confusion making his voice sound a little bit sharper. This wasn’t planned. 

“No, I...” Magnus started, then straightened up a bit, frowning. “You have those sorts of drawings in your notebook, too? How come I never saw them?”

“Well, I didn’t want you to,” Alec explained. This whole situation was making him feel weirdly open, like this one secret that he had been fighting to hide was being revealed. And it was stupid, it was just about a damn drawing. “It wasn’t your business.”

“I know that, but it helps you to learn, right?” Magnus tried to catch Alec’s eyes. “But you just never do it when I’m there. Why not?”

“I don’t know Magnus,” Alec finally turned to catch the soft golden eyes. The eye contact felt almost electrical, and Alec continued steadily, “Why did any of us do the things we did around each other? I don’t know that, either, but I guess we never really stopped to think. It’s not like I don’t want you to know about it, it’s just that I didn’t want us to… talk about it. Because it is nothing.”

“It isn’t just nothing,” Magnus said carefully. “You’re talented. Don’t make your talent seem like nothing.”

“I don’t even know what you saw. Was it the one I did of the neck?” Alec asked. His hand tightened slightly around the mug in his hand. 

And a wave of something definitely flashed through Magnus’ eyes. His cheeks flushed a little bit, not obviously but enough for Alec to notice. “It was of the abdominal muscles. I figured you drew them that day we… uhm, called the project off.”

Alec just stared. He swallowed, finally understanding exactly what paper Magnus had found. “And you saw the picture I drew of you, too,” he said out loud, because the words hung between them and waited to be spoken. Now, his own cheeks were heating up as well and the blood in his veins felt suddenly warm. 

“I did,” Magnus said quietly, voice almost just above a whisper. “And it was gorgeous.”

Alec widened his eyes a little bit at those words. Why wasn’t Magnus angry about this, it was a weird thing to do. Even as Alec had drawn the picture he had found it inappropriate and transgressive. “It wasn’t on purpose,” Alec tried to apologize. “And I know you don’t have a tattoo like that, I was just so  _ angry _ , so I accidentally put one on your chest.”

“In your angry moment you decided to draw me? With a butterfly tattoo?” Magnus asked, confusion clear in his eyes.

This was exactly why Alec hadn’t wanted them to talk about this topic. His passion for drawing was something personal, it wasn’t something he wanted to discuss with Magnus, it felt over the line to be talking about. Now Magnus knew this personal thing about Alec. 

Magnus also knew that Alec had been imagining his body, while putting those clear lines in his head down on paper.

“What was I supposed to do? It was so obvious that something was bothering you, so my head started spinning and suddenly it was just… on my mind.” Alec was trying his best to defend himself, his palms feeling sweaty around the cup of coffee. “Because it just didn’t seem like you to leave like that. I didn’t want it to be something you’d do, so I just desperately needed an explanation.”

“It’s fine Alec. I liked it, I’m not mad,” Magnus assured softly. “I just couldn’t let go of it, because the drawing was so well-made and-”

“I know you probably think that I’m really weird now and it’s-” Alec interrupted, but Magnus’ wasn’t letting Alec have this one, either. He reached out a hand to place on the younger boy’s arm. 

“You don’t know that, Alec. I don’t think that,” Magnus said steadily, his golden eyes burning. Alec didn’t miss the way Magnus’ hand trembled a little bit on top of his arm. But just the touch of it felt burningly hot. His breath caught. 

“What do you think then?” Alec asked. 

“Do you really want to know?” 

Alec blinked quickly, eyes soft and curious. “Yes, of course,” he said.

He didn’t have time to catch on to what was happening next, before Magnus’ mouth was on his, pressing against his lips with determination. The hand that had rested on Alec’s arm moved upwards to cup Alec’s cheek, holding him in place and the warmth of Magnus spread to his body and made his sight blur. 

For a second, he didn’t know what was happening but then his eyes just fell shut underneath the soft touch. Everything started to leave his head and instantly, he had completely forgotten about their conversation and all he could think about was Magnus’ soft lips.

He gave in to the sensation and leaned forwards, needing more of the feeling. Bubbles were surfacing in his chest, but they didn’t carry any anger. They were filled with excitement and quickly spread in Alec’s body.

He still had the coffee mug in one hand, but the other one came up to rest on top of Magnus’ sweater at his chest, fingers curling into the soft material without him even thinking about it. 

Magnus parted his lips slightly, deepening the kiss so Alec’s lower lip was caught in his mouth, being caressed. The sensation went to Alec’s chest and made it tighten. His fingers still prickled from the caffeine, and the feeling of Magnus’ lips was almost ecstatic. The way their mouths worked on each other felt experienced, almost familiar. 

Alec was high, unable to stop himself from tightening his hand around Magnus’ sweater and pulling him a little bit closer. 

He didn’t understand what was happening, and for some reason he didn’t want to, either. The moment had completely swallowed him and was roaming his body in a way that made his head stop working. It felt like tiredness, but he knew that it wasn’t. 

But something seemed to dawn on Magnus. The older one pulled a little bit back, a soft whimper leaving Alec’s mouth at the suddenly empty sensation. “Sorry about that,” Magnus whispered hoarsely, clearing his throat as his hand hesitantly dropped from Alec’s cheek and fell to his own lap. 

Alec’s grip around the sweater loosened, he fought back the urge to pull him closer once again. 

“What just happened?” Alec asked, voice hardly above a whisper and he finally opened his eyes to see Magnus’ pupils blown huge and his lips slightly swollen and red. God, he looked beautiful. 

“I’m not sure.” Magnus hesitated. “I was just trying to figure out things and accidentally did something I shouldn’t have done,” he said carefully, swallowing underneath the gaze from Alec’s blue eyes. 

“You kissed me.” Alec’s cheeks were burning hot. He had to focus on keeping his voice steady and more than anything, he had to focus on not pulling Magnus closer again to feel his soft, warm lips one more time. Resistingly, he removed his hand from Magnus’ sweater to hold on to the coffee mug with both hands instead.

“I’m sorry. I know you’ve got the exam tomorrow and are probably tired,” Magnus tried to apologize, eyes flickering for a short moment as he spoke. He looked suddenly vulnerable.

“Screw the exam,” Alec said. “This isn’t about the exam. You just kissed me!”

“I know.” The change of atmosphere felt a little bit awkward, mostly because the excitement hadn’t completely left Alec’s body yet and it was hard to overlook. Especially with Magnus sitting there, looking all cute and concerned. “I just-” Magnus cut himself off, waving a hand in front of his face. “Please just pretend like it didn’t happen.”

“But it did,” Alec argued. 

“I know that. It was stupid. I just couldn’t really help myself from doing it.” Magnus tried to explain, face soft and thoughtful. He rubbed his face with one hand, clearly trying not to show Alec the blush that was starting to make its way to his cheeks. “I think it’s about time that we both go to bed.”

Alec didn’t really know what he was feeling. One thing was sure, the kiss had gotten his blood to pump quickly in his body, while his heart picked up pace. It could have been the tiredness and nervousness in his body, making him emotional and blurring his mind. 

He just had a feeling that there was more to it.


	7. Saturday

“Do you guys have milk?” Izzy asked, straightening in the chair as Clary walked to the table with a coffee pot and 4 cups. 

“Oh yeah, I’ll get some,” Clary said with a smile.

“Go get some yourself, Izzy,” Jace commented teasingly as his girlfriend put down the coffee and gave each of them a cup. “You’re so lazy.”

The dark haired girl rolled her eyes at her brother, arguing, “I’m not lazy. I’m your guest.”

“You practically live here, now.” Izzy snorted at that, shaking her head. 

She got up from the chair and went to the fridge, speaking with her head inside of it, searching for the milk, “It’s just so much nicer here than at our parents house.”

“Are they still mad at you?” the redhead wanted to know. She raised the coffee pot questioningly at Alec. 

“Do you have earl grey?” he asked, to which Clary shook her head.

“Oh yeah. They think I’m choosing ‘stupid guys’ just to piss them off. I should have never brought that one guy to the house,” Izzy said from the fridge as Alec nodded towards the coffee pot, accepting Clary’s offer. The girl poured a cup and handed it over to her dark haired friend, holding his eyes for a second, searching his face before smiling at him softly. 

“I’m not saying the guys you choose are stupid, but isn’t it kind of true? I mean you date them to piss mom and dad off, right?” Jace asked, never able to stay out of things that were none of his business. 

Clary shook her head, lecturing her boyfriend with a softly exhaled, “Jace!”, but none of them noticed. 

“Not intentionally, at least,” Izzy said. Alec took a sip of his coffee and tried not to meet any of their eyes, not that they were looking at him, anyways. 

“You’re crazy,” Jace said. “Are you still dating the guy, then?”

Izzy turned to look at him with a playful expression on her face. She held the milk in one hand and asked teasingly, “What do you think?”

“One time thing?” Jace tried. 

“As always.”

Clary sat down in the chair next to Alec and rubbed his back with a flat hand. “And how did your exam go, Alec. You seem a little tired.”

Alec tried to straighten up in the chair, forcing away the blank stare he had had on his face. “It was fine, actually,” he said with a careful voice. He sent a soft smile in Clary’s direction, knowing how easily she worried about him. “I think I did pretty good on this one.” 

“Oh  _ right _ ,” Izzy said. “I completely forgot. Was it yesterday?”

“Yes,” Alec answered. 

Izzy sat down again next to Jace, she poured some milk into her coffee while saying, “When will you know if you passed?”

“In more than a month.” Jace was the one answering the question, he leaned back in the chair with the cup of coffee in one hand. “They reveal the results from Anatomy, Chemistry and Heart and Lungs at the same time.”

“Wow, that’s a long time to worry,” Izzy of course had to say. Alec bit his inner cheek, feeling his hand tighten around the cup of coffee. 

“But luckily you have no reason to,” the redhead was quick to say, her soft voice relaxing Alec a little bit. “Because I’m sure you’ll pass the test. You’ve been working so hard.”

“Yeah, you and Magnus really gave all you had. He practically moved into your apartment.”

Alec felt his heart rate increase at that comment, forcing a smile at Jace as he said, “No, he never stayed the night.”

“Isn’t he incredibly happy that you nailed it, then?” Izzy asked as she took a sip of the coffee. Alec wanted to change the subject. 

“Very,” he lied, because he sure didn’t feel like discussing this with anyone right now. 

“We should ask him to come?” Jace suggested. “He would fit right in. Let’s celebrate that the exam went so well.”

“I’m sure he’s busy,” Alec tried to shut down the idea, already fearing what would happen if Magnus were to join. 

He hadn’t even said a word to the man since the kiss two days ago. They had ridden the car in silence afterwards, and had hardly even said goodbye. 

“Oh come on, don’t you want me to meet him?” Izzy protested. 

Clary had the concerned look on her face as always. “The two of you aren't fighting again, are you?” 

“No.” It wasn’t technically a lie. 

“Seriously, things were just so great between the two of you. Don’t tell me you’re just going to go back to hating each other.” Jace crossed his arms, looking dissatisfied. 

“It’s not like that,” Alec reassured, three pair of eyes following him carefully and he hated being in the spotlight like this. He had hoped that he could just hide all of this away. “I hope that it isn’t, at least.”

Izzy raised a brow, catching on to too much because of how annoyingly caring she was. “So you actually haven’t told him about the exam yet.”

A flicker of fear went through Alec’s body, but it was so stupid. These were his friends and family and he was just hiding this thing. 

He sighed, looking at his coffee. “No I haven’t. And I’m a little bit scared to tell him.”

“What happened, sweetie?” Clary asked. 

“Did he do something to you?” Jace asked with worry in his voice, straightening in his chair. 

“No!” Alec hurried to reassure. “Or… not really, I mean he did  _ something,  _ but i’m not mad about it. I just don’t know why he did it.”

“Well, tell him not to do it again, Alec,” Izzy said. 

“That’s the thing. I don’t really know yet if I actually… liked it? If I want him to do it again.”

“So he kissed you?” And how did Clary know, was it written across Alec's face? He couldn’t even look at her, too afraid of what else he might accidentally reveal. 

“How did you know?” 

“Well, I remember what he told me about palpation having this sexual feeling to it. You didn’t seem to think that, so obviously something else was making him feel that way.”

They all just looked at Clary, obviously a little bit impressed that she had managed to catch on to that much by only spending minutes in the man’s presence. 

“Had  _ I  _ known that Magnus was gay, I could have figured this out months ago,” Izzy said, crossing her arms. “Alec never just hates people who have done nothing wrong. Not unless he’s crushing on them.”

“Magnus is not gay,” Jace commented. “I’m pretty sure he’s bisexual.”

“And I’m not crushing on him, Izzy!”

Alec wasn’t even sure if he believed those words himself. He honestly couldn’t really figure everything out with the three of them sitting here, asking all of these questions. 

“But you are,” Izzy said. 

“For god’s sake Izzy, stop assuming all of these things. Why would you think that?”

“Because you just said minutes ago that you kind of want Magnus to kiss you again. And it’s Magnus, Alec, you’ve been hating the guy for  _ years. _ ”

And okay, Alec could see why that would make Izzy think that he was crushing on Magnus. He sighed, shaking his head and wanting the conversation to end. 

“Could we stop talking about this?”

“No!” Jace said. “It’s a big deal.”

“But Jace, if Alec doesn’t want to talk about it, we shouldn’t.” Clary said and then turned to look at Alec with a soft look in her eyes. “I’m sure you just need some time to figure all of this out, sweetie.”

“The fact that you didn’t punch him in the face when he kissed you pretty much gives it away,” Jace just had to add, eyes darting away as if he hadn’t said anything. Alec tensed at the comment, realizing that it was true. 

“Jace!” Clary said, opening her mouth to argue and tell him to behave, but ended up just closing it again. 

“But why haven’t you told him about the exam, then? Are you avoiding him?” 

Now Izzy was suddenly asking the questions Alec would have prefered to go unspoken.

“Kind of,” he admitted, scratching his neck. “He texted me, asking how the exam went, but I just… didn’t really know what to tell him. I know it sounds stupid.”

“So you figured that the best thing to do would be to ignore him?” Jace straightened in his chair. 

“I’m not ignoring him, I’m just-“

Izzy cut Alec short, saying, “That’s not really fair, Alec. Especially not if he likes you. You need to talk this through with him.”

“But what do I tell him, then?” Alec asked desperately, searching Izzy’s face for an answer to this mess he had gotten himself into. 

“Well, that depends,” she said. “Either you tell him that you don’t like him like that, or you just walk right in, pin him against a wall and kiss the fuck out of him.”

And somehow, the thought made Alec’s cheeks turn a little more red, because it wasn’t scaring him or making him feel uncomfortable. 

“How do I know which one I want?” he continued so the others wouldn’t notice anything. 

“You just know,” Jace said matter-of-factly. 

“I don’t know anything,” Alec said honestly. “I hardly even know Magnus. I’ve hated the guy for two years, but all I’ve ever known about him seems to be crumbling to the ground.” 

“Oh come on, that’s not true,” Jace tried, but Alec sent him a look. 

“It is, Jace. He knows all of these things about me, he even knows that I paint. I expose myself in front of him all the time, but still he seems to hide away all of these secrets. And he never gives me anything in return. I hadn’t even realized that he liked me the slightest bit before his mouth was on my goddamn lips.” Alec hadn’t even realized before now how much it actually annoyed him and affected him. Why didn’t Magnus trust him? 

But it was of no use. It wasn’t Magnus’ fault any of this, it was just the result of the poor communication that had been going on for so long now between the two. 

“I’m pretty sure that’s your own fault,” Jace said eventually, daring to speak. “Because that’s what you told him to do. You made it very clear to him that you didn’t want things to get personal.”

And Alec of course knew that Jace was right. All of them were right, he couldn’t just sit around like this, waiting for things to make sense. But just thinking about Magnus made his heart skip a beat and his palms feel suddenly sweaty. 

It was selfish really, because what Magnus was feeling right now was probably worse. 

\------

Magnus sighed. His head felt heavy in his hand as he sat by the counter, trying to solve the crossword in front of him. 

“Are you ever going to start putting on clothes again?” Simon mumbled from behind the refrigerator door. Admittingly, Magnus had been wearing these pajama pants and a loose T-shirt for the past two or three days. At least he had taken a shower today and changed the shirt, Simon should in fact be proud. 

“No,” the golden eyed one said tiredly. He put down the word ‘man’ with uppercase letters and it made him feel even emptier. 

“Are you still heartbroken?” Simon teased, the last word coming out in a slightly high pitched tone. 

“I’m not heartbroken. Never was.” Magnus let the man know. He actually had the right to be like this today, because it was saturday. 

“You’re right, it’s totally normal for you to wear pajamas for days.” The sarcasm was clear in the words. Simon wasn’t even trying to hide it away, which was one of the things that Magnus usually really liked about the guy. He was never hiding away his opinions or his concerns. 

Simon sat down next to Magnus and began to eat a carrot he had just found in the fridge. 

“I know I’m pathetic,” Magnus admitted. He sighed once again, putting down the pencil, because this wasn’t helping him in any way. 

“Your words, not mine.”

Magnus rolled his eyes at that comment. “You don’t get it. It’s not because of Alec, It’s because of this bubble we were in. It felt so intense, so surreal in a way. It felt safe and whenever we were together, studying and being only in the company of each other, I didn’t have to think so much about everything.”

“Well, you knew it was going to end,” Simon said matter-of-factly. 

“I just hoped it wouldn’t.” Magnus rubbed his temple, hating how this thought hadn’t left his head for so many days now. It didn’t feel like heartbreak. But some part was definitely missing, creating a big, empty feeling in the middle of his chest. 

That thing that had been between him and Alec had been washed away. One second, it had all been real and easy, then the next it had been gone. 

“I shouldn’t have kissed him,” Magnus said quietly.

“Stop blaming yourself for that. It probably wouldn’t have changed anything if you hadn’t.”

“It was different, Simon. Everything was different for a moment, there was no sharp edge to any of our comments and no sarcastic tone. It was all pure honesty for a second,” Magnus ranted on, feeling his throat tighten a little. It wasn’t even sadness in his body, it was just disappointment. “But I just ruined it.”

“You didn’t ruin anything. You meant that kiss and that’s what matters. Sometimes you have to take a risk in life, you have to just go for it!”

Magnus shook his head, saying, “Maybe I just confused him too much. It wasn’t the right time.”

“There’s never a right time. You wanted to kiss him, so that’s what you did. That first time I kissed Anna she almost hit me in the face. She thought I was so goofy and weird back then, but if I hadn’t done it, maybe Anna wouldn’t have fallen in love with-”

“Could we please not talk about her right now?” Magnus interrupted with a slight hint of annoyance. 

“You can’t just avoid talking about her for the rest of your life, you know.” Simon searched for Magnus’ eyes, but the man in the pajamas picked up the pencil again and turned it in his hand nervously, avoiding Simon’s gaze. 

“Well, I could if you would stop pushing me all the time,” he said carefully. Uncomfortableness was already starting to spread in his body. 

Simon sighed. “If you can’t even talk to  _ me  _ about it Mags, you’re never going to talk to anyone about it.”

“Well, why do I have to?” Magnus asked. 

Simon didn’t answer. He just sat there with the carrot in his hand, waiting for Magnus to say something more. But the silence was wrapping up both of them.

“Sorry,” Simon eventually said. “Sorry for pushing you, then.”

The words had just left his mouth, its meaning had hardly dawned on Magnus before a sound came from the entrance. Magnus’ heart instantly picked up pace, in some ways because the sound had taken him by surprise and unsettled him, but also because he had a feeling who it was. 

When Alec stepped into the kitchen with his hair messy and eyes glowing with something, instantly landing on Magnus, Magnus’ fingers tightened around the pencil. The determination in Alec’s bright blue eyes startled him and took away his ability to say anything for a second.

“We need to talk,” the younger boy stated, and that was probably the most true thing he had ever said. 

“And off I go,” Simon muttered, disappearing so quickly that Magnus hardly sensed it. The man swallowed, trying not to let his uncomfortableness show. 

“Yes we do,” he said slowly, mind not catching up just yet. He was so thankful for the shower he had grabbed this morning, otherwise he would have been so disgusting right now and he didn’t want Alec to see him like that.

“I don’t want it to be like this.” The words just kind of hung there, going straight to Magnus’ head and causing it to spin. “I don’t want to go back to hating you. I know we agreed to hate each other, but I really don’t want that, Magnus.”

“Neither do I,” Magnus admitted, voice soft and careful. He didn’t really know what he had been expecting.

“And things were just starting to make sense, to feel comfortable,” Alec continued. “And I was finally realizing that I was okay with not hating you. I was ready to put aside the past. We can’t just throw that away now.”

As Alec stopped to take in a breath, Magnus took the change to put in a sentence. “We could just go back to that again, then. That’s what I want, too.”

“You make it sound so simple. It’s not simple.”

Something tightened inside of Magnus’ chest at those words because of the way they fell from Alec’s lips. So soft and vulnerable, like this had been bothering him for some time, now.

“It’s easier if we just talk it through,” Magnus tried softly. “We always go back to the start whenever something happens. Instead of talking about it, we start doing the one thing we know how to do. Hate each other.”

Alec’s gaze flickered a little bit. “That’s why I’m here now, because I don’t want that. It just took me some time to realize,” he said carefully. 

Magnus opened his mouth to reply, but realized that he was too afraid to ruin all of this once again. A sting went through his body at the realization, and suddenly he felt a little bit numb and soft. 

“Do you want me to make you a cup of coffee first,” he said, because he needed a little break from all of this before he was ready to talk it through. And coffee always helped.

“No, I’m fine,” Alec said. His eyes searched the kitchen, looking for somewhere to sit down. He ended up taking the seat that Simon had just left, slowly taking off his warm coat in the process. His nose was a bit red from the coldness outside, it shined brightly on his pale autumn-skin. Magnus wanted to warm up his body. “Maybe a glass of water, though. My throat feels kind of dry.”

Magnus got up to get the water, avoiding Alec’s eyes, and he decided to make himself a coffee, knowing it would calm him down a little bit. 

“Oh, I didn’t realize that you were still in your pajamas,” Alec said as Magnus stood up, his cheeks looking a little red and blushy as the words escaped his mouth. 

“It’s saturday,” Magnus used as an excuse, even though that wasn’t the reason for him still wearing pajamas. The last thing he wanted right now was for Alec to know just how pathetic he was. 

His hands trembled a bit as he poured a glass of cold water. He forced the funny feeling away, convincing himself that this was a good thing. This meant that all of this wasn’t ruined as he had feared. 

“Here,” he said as he handed over the glass. Alec sent a thankful nod, his fingers brushing Magnus’ as he took it from him. And god, why was it making Magnus’ breath catch like that?

The taller one cleared his throat, shaking off the sensation. “Tell me if you don’t want to talk about it, alright? But how did the exam go?”

That made a small smile spread on Alec’s face as he sipped the water. He looked up, bright blue eyes meeting Magnus’, his voice sounding slightly apologetic as he said, “It went really well. I know I haven’t answered your texts. It’s not because I don’t want to talk about it, I just had to figure out some things.”

“It’s alright.” Magnus turned back around to start boiling the water. He was overly aware of Alec’s gaze on his back as he asked carefully, “Did you, then?”

“Did I what?” Alec wondered. 

“Did you figure it out?” 

He knew how much meaning the question actually carried and almost held his breath, trying to hear every single small sound coming from Alec. 

All he got was a small snort, somewhere near a chuckle, and it made him frown. 

“What?” Magnus said, turning around. 

Alec shook his head. “You make it seem like such a casual question,” he said a little shyly, looking way too cute in that moment. 

“I know,” Magnus stated with a dry throat. “I just needed to know if you were talking about… uhm…” He trailed off.

“The kiss?” Alec asked, finishing the sentence. And just him mentioning it made it feel so real again, it made the memory of Alec’s soft lips reappear inside of Magnus’ mind. 

What he couldn’t seem to let go of, though, was the feeling of Alec’s big hand on his chest, tightening around his shirt and pulling him impossibly close. That sensation hung around him like a thick cloud. 

“Yes… the kiss,” he repeated, voice hardly above a whisper. 

“I didn’t figure it out,” Alec admitted. He shifted in his chair, suddenly not able to meet Magnus’ eyes. “I tried to, I haven’t been able to think about anything but that, but it just confuses me too much.”

“I shouldn’t have kissed you.” Magnus’ voice was slightly desperate. 

“I don’t blame you,” the younger one said carefully. “But I can’t seem to figure out how it makes me feel, because a part of me… liked it, but I’m still trying to get used to not wanting to hit you in the face whenever I’m around you.” He laughed softly as he said the last bit.

“Do you want to pretend like it didn’t happen?” Magnus asked. “We could just do that. Go back to normal.”

Alec swallowed, looking a little nervous and it obviously wasn’t the words he had been wanting to hear. “Can I ask you something first?” he said.

“Yes.”

“Did you mean it? Or were you just really tired, like you said, doing something you shouldn’t have done?” Suddenly, he looked vulnerable and god, what did Magnus ever do to deserve this.

“I shouldn’t have done it,” Magnus said, pausing to think about how to put this into words. 

“Then why did you-” 

Magnus cut Alec short before the boy managed to word his concerns. “No listen, I shouldn’t have done it, because I don’t want you to worry about how I feel. I know you have so much on your mind already, and I know it wasn’t fair of me to put all of this on your shoulders. But I meant it.”

It felt a little bit tense, the change of atmosphere was so obvious. But all boundaries were long gone, there was nothing holding them back anymore. 

“Then the answer is no,” Alec said softly. 

Magnus couldn’t help but feel the corner of his mouth twitch into an almost invisible smile. This was maybe the first time he had felt the warmth spread in his chest for some days. 

“So what now?” he asked the younger one, suddenly being reminded of that first time at Alec’s house where they had agreed not to hate each other during the project. 

“No more stupid rules,” Alec said, laughing a little bit as the words escaped his mouth. Magnus had been wanting the stupid rules gone for so long now that it felt almost surreal to hear Alec say it out loud. 

“And no more hating each other,” Magnus added with relief in his voice.

Alec’s eyes flickered for a second. “And no more hiding things away from each other. We need to be honest with each other from now on.”

And those words got to Magnus. He felt the rhythm of his pulse pick up pace, nervousness filling up what had been pure emptiness only hours ago. 

No more hiding things away from each other. 

Simon had been right. At some point, he had to talk about all of this. He couldn’t just pretend like it wasn’t real and hide it away. 

Eventually, Alec would figure it out. It was impossible to avoid. Eventually, he’d  _ have  _ to talk about it and answer all of Alec’s questions. 


	8. Scarred

The familiar smell of Magnus’ warm apartment hit Alec as he opened the front door. The low tones of a guitar sounded in the distance, Alec figured that it was just Simon practising in his room. It made the corners of his mouth curl into a soft smile. 

He pulled off his coat and shoes and found Magnus in the kitchen a second later, head hovering over the anatomy book and papers lying all over the table. 

“Alexander,” the man said happily as he heard Alec entering. 

“Alec!” the younger one tried to correct him. 

Magnus looked a little confused, frowning and straightening slightly in the chair. “Nope, my name’s Magnus,” he said. 

The whole situation was just stupid, but at the same time it felt safe and familiar. “I know, silly,” Alec said teasingly. “I mean, you should call me Alec.”

“But I’ve always called you Alexander,” the older one protested, pouting a little bit as Alec sat down in the chair opposite and started taking out his notebook. 

“Yeah, but that was before. When we hated each other.” He skimmed through the pages of the book to find the notes he had written yesterday when they had been working together. Colors and drawings were decorating each page, but he no longer tried to hide it away. There was no reason to. “And I’ve been thinking about it for the past couple of days. It reminds me so much of the past, so I’d actually like it better if you just called me Alec.”

“Alright… Alec,” Magnus stated a little awkwardly, laughing with his innocent, childish laughter. “What are you going to call me, then? You always just called me Magnus.”

“Hmm,” the boy said, tilting his head to get a better look of Magnus as if trying to see through him. “Can I call you The Great Magnus Bane?”

At that the catman rolled his eyes, because he had always hated Alec calling him that. It had been obvious on his face ever since the start, had felt like their own little, personal fight. “Please don’t start calling me that again,” Magnus begged. 

“Don’t worry. I won’t,” Alec reassured. He pulled out a pencil from the bag once he had found the right page in the notebook. “Maybe I’ll start calling you Mags. Like Simon does. It sounds kinda cute.”

Had he not been looking in the notebook, scanning the muscles they had planned to go through today, he would have seen a blush creep up on Magnus’ face. And it would definitely have made him feel a little bit lightheaded and soft. 

“Not many people call me that, you know,”

The younger one couldn’t help but smile. “Does that make me special?” he asked. 

“Alright, shut up and let’s get started,” Magnus teased and Alec liked everything about this. It had been so  _ easy  _ for the past few days. 

Alec had tried to force himself not to think too much about everything, he knew that it would confuse him. But whenever his heart fluttered a little bit at something Magnus said, he was confronted with all of these feelings. 

Studying had become easier. Maybe it was just the fact that Alec wasn’t afraid of asking stupid questions anymore when he was around Magnus. He didn’t care, because Magnus didn’t look at him with hate or contempt anymore. 

“Do you want to see what I did yesterday evening?” Alec asked as they quickly ran through the main topics from yesterday.

As Magnus nodded eagerly, Alec showed him a drawing of the upper chest. He had peeled off the layer of skin on the right side, and both the layers of skin and muscles on the left. 

“That looks really cool. And this person is muscular. His pectoralis major is, like, huge.”

“Don’t you see that it is me?” Alec teased, tilting his head at the drawing with a smile playing on his face. “My pectoralis major is huge, right?”

The older one shook his head with a small laugh. “Oh, shut up,” he said, but Alec saw how his eyes darted towards Alec’s chest to check if it was actually true. “But weren’t we supposed to go through the chest today?” 

“Yes.” Alec found a blank page and picked out his colorful pens. “I just felt inspired. And now I’m finally a little bit ahead of you.” It was a lie, because Alec was never ahead of Magnus. 

“Well, maybe you should walk me through the muscles today then,” Magnus stated teasingly. Demonstratively, he leaned back in the chair and crossed his legs.

Obviously, Magnus had gone through the chest as well at some point. The man always knew everything beforehand, he probably always went through the stuff a week prior or something like that. As long as he still wanted to go through it with Alec, the boy didn’t really mind. 

“Then correct me whenever I’m wrong,” Alec said with a smile. 

“What makes you think I know more than you about these muscles?”

“You know that this one is called pectoralis major,” Alec explained, pointing towards his own chest with a slightly raised brow. 

The corner of Magnus’ mouth curled into a smile, he blinked quickly. “Everyone knows that.”

“I didn’t until yesterday evening.”

“Just tell me what else you learned yesterday evening, then,” the man said with an amused tone, and Alec liked that Magnus was finally giving him the chance to take control. It made him feel like he actually understood the stuff they went through. 

So Alec did what Magnus had told him to. He used his colorful pens to draw each muscle in the notebook and explained what nerves they were innervated by. 

Magnus just followed along silently, nodding every other minute to show Alec that he was on the right track. And the atmosphere was so calm and nice, they were in no hurry and both enjoyed being there, learning about the anatomy of the body. 

At some point, they took a short break and got something hot to drink as usual. Alec hardly ever saw the older man without a cup of coffee in his hand, it had almost become a part of him. It felt familiar. 

Eventually, they couldn’t just sit around, talking and enjoying the moment anymore. “Should we get back to work again?” Alec asked, leaned back in the chair with his cup of earl gray, almost finished, in his hand. 

“Aren’t we pretty much done with the chest?” Magnus asked, emptying his cup of coffee and getting up to put it in the sink. He turned on the water.

“Yes, so either we should move on to the leg, or we should practise the palpation.” It was still a topic they didn’t discuss that much. Actually, they almost hadn’t discussed it at all since that day where Magnus had left in anger because of that stupid comment Alec had made.

Yesterday when they had gone through the abdomen, Alec had insisted on palpating because of the exam coming up. And maybe Magnus was able to locate any given muscle without ever having done it before, but Alec wasn’t. He needed them to go through it together beforehand, if not on Magnus’ body, then at least on his own. 

Alec couldn’t really figure out what was going through Magnus’ head. His back was facing the younger boy, the deltoideus on his shoulders working as he cleaned up the cup he had just used. 

“I’ve been thinking about that,” Magnus stated after a couple of moments with only the sound of the running water filling up the kitchen. 

“It doesn’t have to be on your body. It could be on mine again,” Alec hurried to reassure, just in case he was overstepping any lines once again. The last thing he wanted was to ruin any of this, a part of him was getting so used to Magnus that he couldn’t possibly go through losing him again. 

Silence spread once again, eventually Magnus turned off the water and turned around with a look on his face that Alec couldn’t decipher. “It isn’t really fair, I know that,” the man said quietly, suddenly his eyes were filling up with nervousness and once again Alec wondered what all of this was about. 

It wasn’t just insecurity. It couldn’t be, there was something more to it.

“If it makes you feel uncomfortable, you-”

Magnus interrupted, eyes darting away for a split second. “It doesn’t make me uncomfortable, it just makes me feel so exposed.”

“I’m exposed without my shirt, too, you know?” Alec tried in a soft voice. He was careful not to say anything stupid and didn’t mean to start an argument.

“It’s different.” 

Magnus’ hand found its way to the edge of his shirt, playing with it as if he was debating whether or not he was comfortable with this. The softness on his face made Alec want to hug him, but he couldn’t quite figure out the situation. 

“You can tell me why,” he tried carefully. “I mean, you don’t have to if you don’t want to. But it is obviously bothering you, so maybe it will help to talk about it.”

Magnus went a little closer. Instead of taking the seat opposite of Alec where he had been sitting a minute ago, he took the one next to Alec. It always seemed to confuse Alec just how fragile his tall, muscular body sometimes looked. This was one of those times. 

“I know that, I just…” he started, but trailed off. He took in a sharp breath. “Will you promise not to tell anyone, then?”

“Of course, Mags. Who’d I tell?” 

Even though their eyes were fixed on each other and Magnus was putting down all of his defenses, Alec couldn’t see what was going through the man’s head. The golden eyes shined brightly with something, something he had clearly been trying to suppress for so long. 

“Maybe Jace,” Magnus said. “I don’t want him to know. I don’t really trust him”

Alec couldn’t help but reach out a hand to put on the older one’s knee, reassuring him that he was safe. “I promise not to tell anyone,” he said softly, hardly above a whisper. “Not even Jace.”

His pulse was definitely beating at an increasing rhythm, his heart almost aching in his chest. Why was this making him feel like this? 

Magnus swallowed, but somehow seemed to relax a little bit underneath the soft touch of Alec’s hand. It was still difficult to see the man with the cat-like eyes as vulnerable as this. It definitely affected Alec’s body.

“I have a scar,” Magnus explained. 

“A scar?”

“Yes, a big one right underneath my rib cage.” The words fell from his mouth steadily, but something in the tone was scared and nervous. For some reason, Alec got the feeling that this was the first time he was saying them out loud.

Alec opened his mouth to reply, sensing the sensitivity this topic carried. Instead, he sent a soft, careful smile, hand tightening slightly around the knee. 

“You shouldn’t be ashamed of a scar,” he said. “I don’t mind.”

“That’s because you haven’t seen it yet.” Magnus’ eyes didn’t even flicker, he took in a sharp breath and tensed a little, Alec figured he was putting all of his strength into having this conversation. “It’s really ugly.”

“I don’t believe that. There is nothing ugly about you. Everything about you is gorgeous and perfect.”

That at least made a small smile find its way to the older one’s face. He tried to hide away the blush that crept up on him, but maybe he was just emotional and easily affected by the smallest things right now. Alec tried not to put too much thought into it. 

“I’m sure you’ll change your mind once I show you,” he said. 

“You don’t have to show me if you don’t want to,” Alec reassured, the last thing he wanted was to pressure Magnus into doing anything. The way he acted clearly showed that this meant a lot to him, and Alec respected that. 

“It’s not as hard now that you know about it,” Magnus said with a hint of a joking tone, smiling shyly. Alec couldn’t help but think that he looked incredibly cute. 

“I won’t look too much, then. I’ll focus on finding the pectoralis major muscle.”

“It’s alright,” Magnus said quietly. Then he shifted in the chair and Alec’s hand dropped from his leg. It wasn’t even that much of a big deal, Alec had seen plenty of shirtless boys in his life. But he couldn’t help but catch his breath, holding it as Magnus reached for the edge of the shirt and slowly started pulling it over his head. 

Alec tried his best not to stare, but he couldn’t help his eyes from landing on the scar. “It’s not ugly,” he said honestly, it prickled in his fingers to reach out and touch Magnus’ bare skin. 

The man’s body was exactly as Alec had expected, the skin was golden brown and smooth, his muscles toned and strong. Every detail was perfect - except for the scar that kept on catching the corner of Alec’s eye. 

“I haven’t really shown it to that many people.”

“That makes me feel a little bit special,” Alec said, catching Magnus’ eyes, because he didn’t want to be staring too much. And suddenly it hit him how beautiful Magnus’ eyes were as well, how the golden color suited the smoothness of his skin. “Is there something wrong with your kidney?”

Alec had been studying medicine for long enough to recognize different scars. This was undoubtedly a planned operation, the cut was symmetric and placed just above where the kidney would be. He didn’t understand why a planned kidney operation was such a sensitive topic for Magnus. 

“Yes, very wrong,” the older one said. “Because it isn’t there anymore.”

“Oh, you had it removed?” Alec finally understood. Kidney failure was a common thing, but something about the scar didn’t really resemble the scars on patients who had suffered from the same. Alec remembered a kidney removal he had watched at the hospital about a year ago. 

This scar was a lot bigger than the one that operation had left. It didn’t seem as neatly made, but Alec didn’t want to word those thoughts. “What happened?” he asked instead, forcing himself not to assume anything that wasn’t true. 

Magnus shifted a little bit again, his eyes drifting to his hands. “I don’t really like to talk about it,” he admitted, obviously not feeling comfortable with all of these questions. “I just thought you deserved to know why I’ve been having a hard time with the whole palpation-thing.”

So Alec shook his head, deciding he had already been asking the man enough curious questions, eventually Magnus would talk about it if he wanted Alec to know. 

“Sorry, right,” the younger one said, getting out of the little bubble he had been in and getting up from the chair. “It’s none of my business. I should just get started with this, before you start getting cold or something.”

But the thought couldn’t leave his mind. Even with his hands on Magnus’ bare, soft and beautiful skin, he couldn’t let go of it. 

He knew that there was something burning inside of the older man, something that was making him feel uneasy and nervous because of that scar. No matter how much Alec tried, he just couldn’t find an explanation that made sense. 

Was it really too much to ask what it was that made this man feel like this? Because all Alec wanted was to help.

\-------

Some doctors knew how to make the cut just the right way so it followed the structure of the skin and the natural shadows off the body. Magnus’ scar wasn’t made by one of those doctors, it was big and pale and covered most of the side of his stomach. 

Before the operation, Magnus had been such a confident person. But something had changed since then, he wasn’t the same carefree boy anymore, now he was worried and insecure and feared what people might think. 

The summer that had followed the operation, he hadn’t gone to the beach a single time. 

He’d be lying if he said that it was just because of the scar. The scar was just a side effect, a reminder of the burning anger and bitterness he felt inside. And the sadness. Pure, heartbreaking sadness. 

Most people demanded to know the story behind. Sometimes even people he hardly knew and it would always get to him. 

So it was easier to keep it hidden. And along with the scar, he hid everything else that was ugly about himself. His ugly past. 

“My place or your place tomorrow?” Alec asked as he was putting on his shoes by the entrance door. 

In some ways Magnus couldn’t help but feel like a bad person for demanding this much of Alec. The boy was giving him a great latitude, accepting the fact that Magnus didn’t like talking about these things, but it wasn’t really fair. 

But today had been hard and taken too much strength. He wasn’t ready to face what telling the whole truth would cause. 

“I’ll come to your place,” Magnus said quietly, trying not to let it show that his mind had been wandering off. Adrenalin was still in his body from the conversation they had had about three hours ago. And even though he was wearing his shirt now, the shivers from the cold air still lingered on his skin. 

It felt strange and unfamiliar. 

“I’ll pick you up if it’s still raining tomorrow,” Alec teased, but with truth in the words. Magnus felt his body soften at the familiar atmosphere and Alec’s comments, getting him to smile a little bit. 

It always made him feel a little bit empty when Alec had to leave. That feeling was even more powerful today, because emotions had been in his body for so long. And the sensation of that soft hand on his knee was still all over him. 

Exposing himself in front of Alec like that felt like ripping open a healing cut. “What time?” he asked as reality hit him once again, reminding him that the boy was leaving. 

He hoped that Alec didn’t notice the shaky tone to his voice. 

“I was thinking around 9. Or is that too early?”

“It sounds fine,” Magnus confirmed, leaning a little bit backwards against the wall. There was a buzz in his body, a tiredness that was spreading as if he had been exercising. “Did you park nearby?”

“Not that far away. But don’t worry about me, I love the rain.” The comment made a small smile appear on the older one’s face, he tried to hide away the soft look that probably spread behind his eyes. 

“Good,” Magnus said. Alec put on his coat and picked up his back, opening the entrance door. 

“See you tomorrow.” And it was stupid, because they would see each other again in less than a day. The soft goodbye that Magnus said hardly even escaped his lips before the door was falling shut again, leaving the emptiness behind. 

Magnus realized right away that the feeling in his body was actually disappointment. He tried to convince himself that it was stupid, everything was perfect right now. Finally, things were working out between him and Alec.

But the buzz just wouldn’t leave him as he went to the kitchen, picking up the electric kettle to fill it up. His body needed some caffeine, today had drained him and confronted him with things he had spent years trying to put at a distance. 

The papers filled up the table in the middle of the room, but right now he didn’t have the energy to clean up the mess. However, his heart did a funny, little turn as he spotted a paper by Alec’s spot, doodles filling up the corners of it. 

It felt like an ache. And why was his chest aching because of this boy? 

The emptiness of Alec’s missing presence just felt like a pressure. And every single day, Magnus’ rib cage would tighten even more around his vital organs. Except, of course, one of his kidneys.

Magnus couldn’t help but step closer, picking up the piece of paper just to touch it. And as he did so, a frown found its way to his face. 

Beneath it was Alec’s phone. For a split second, the stupid thought of calling Alec to tell him appeared inside of Magnus’ head. But he shook it off right away, picking up the phone and turning it in his hands, thinking about what to do. 

Alec was probably already in his car on his way home, but without thinking it through, Magnus ran towards the entrance door. With the phone in one of his hands he threw the door open with the other one. 

And the timing couldn’t have been better. Just as the door opened, Alec stormed inside, met by the tall figure of Magnus’ lean body. 

Had it been seconds later, Alec would have run directly into Magnus, but the boy managed to stop right before him, their bodies almost touching by the chest.

His hair was already soaked. Droplets were dripping down his forehead, slowly making their way down to his cheeks to fall from his chin silently. The shock clearly went through his blue, burning eyes for just a second. Magnus hoped that Alec couldn’t hear his beating heart, because suddenly it was picking up pace. 

“You forgot your-” Magnus managed to get out quietly, voice unsteady, but was cut short. Alec’s big, soaking wet hands grabbed his shoulders, pushing him backwards until his back was against the wall. 

He hardly caught the wild look in Alec’s eyes before their mouths were on each other. The hands around his shoulders tightened, pressing him further backwards and all Magnus could do was just close his eyes and try not to fade because of the sudden rush of adrenalin in his body. 

He hardly had the time to think about what was happening before he craved more, he leaned his head a little bit forward to make sure that Alec wasn’t letting go. The boy wasn’t, though, his lips on top of Magnus’ felt so steady and sure. 

The phone dropped from Magnus’ hand. It wasn’t purposely, but he couldn’t even seem to bring himself to care. All he could do was just grab Alec’s waist and pull him closer, letting his tongue trail along the younger boy’s lower lip as if begging for the kiss to deepen. 

An electrical wave shot through Magnus’ body as he felt the boy relax. He was finally letting go of himself, allowing Magnus to take control of the kiss. 

So Magnus did. He slid in his tongue, catching Alec’s lips skillfully with his own and feeling the soft tremble of the boy’s hands on his shoulders. It was already sending arousal through the taller one’s body, getting his head to spin and he couldn’t help but slide his hands underneath the wet fabric of Alec’s coat to feel his damp skin.

A small whimper left Magnus’ mouth as Alec reacted by burying his hands in Magnus’ soft, messy hair, pulling at it lightly. 

The buzz in his body made him unable to think straight, and he pushed himself off the wall. Regaining the control, he started pushing Alec towards his room, mumbling between wet kisses, “God, Alec, what is this about?” 

Alec let out a sound that was somewhere between a moan and a laugh and held tightly onto Magnus’ neck. “I have no idea,” he whispered, his voice sounding a little hoarse. It went straight through Magnus’ body, making a tight pressure appear in his lower abdomen.

The coat was in the way, so without even thinking about it, Magnus grabbed it tightly and started pulling it off. It was soaking wet from the rain, but he didn’t care. “I’ve wanted to do this,” he started, bending down to catch Alec’s lips in a wet kiss, before breaking off again. “For way too long.”

Alec let out a deep breath and threw the coat violently to the ground. Suddenly, the younger one was pressed against the door leading to Magnus’ room and the man took the chance to kiss his neck. He sucked a trail from just behind the ear and down towards the collarbone, drawing hoarse, shaky moans from Alec’s lips. 

“I tried to figure it all out,” Alec breathed out, hands finding their way behind Magnus’ neck once again. Magnus couldn’t help but let one hand trail downwards, playing with the edge of Alec’s shirt before sliding underneath to caress his soft skin carefully. 

The rain from Alec’s hair was dripping down the base of his neck, but god it only made him even more sexy. The taste of his skin was euphoric, making Magnus’ blood pump so quickly through his body that he felt the heat starting to reach his cheeks. 

“But I didn’t know that you… were…” Alec stammered, his voice ruined by soft moans as Magnus’ hand went upwards. The older one caught a nipple between two fingers and flicked it slowly, loving the way Alec’s body trembled underneath the touch. “All I wanted.”

Magnus reached behind Alec and opened the door, pushing the boy backwards and almost throwing him onto the bed without thinking about what was happening. Lust was taking over his body, clearly audible in his voice as he said, “You look so fucking beautiful.”

And just as the words had left his mouth he was getting on the bed too, hovering over Alec while the younger boy’s pupils were blown huge, chest raising quickly with excitement. 

“Shut up and just-” Alec started, but Magnus’ mouth on top of his cut him short. The older one caught a lip between his teeth, biting down to cause a swift sting before softening the sensation with the flicker of a tongue. 

“No,” he mumbled, hands grabbing the edge of Alec’s shirt. He started pulling it off, revealing the smooth, pale skin. A small whimper left Alec’s mouth at the coldness hitting his bare stomach, but he allowed Magnus to take off the shirt. “No, I won’t. You’re too gorgeous, Alec.”

Without looking, Magnus threw the shirt somewhere in the room and took a moment to appreciate the beauty of the boy in front of him. 

“You’re right. Your pectoralis major is stunning,” Magnus murmed and placed small kisses down Alec’s chest on top of where the muscle was.

Alec let out a breath that sounded a little bit like a laugh. He tilted his head backwards at the softness of Magnus’ skilled mouth, saying, “Are you ever going to shut up about anatomy?” The words came out hoarsely, and Alec’s shaky voice reminded Magnus of how much he wanted the boy. 

“Not about yours.” The kisses trailed a little bit upwards, the softness brushing along Alec's collarbone and causing the boy to shiver. “Your clavicula,” Magnus whispered, breath hitting the prominent bone. He kissed the superficial muscle that showed clearly along Alec’s strong neck. “Your sternocleidomastoid.” 

“Take off my clothes already,” Alec demanded impatiently, his hands gripping the sheets tightly. Magnus felt the arousal that hung in the air. 

But he couldn’t help it, he needed to mark every inch of the soft, pale skin. Alec’s body was addictive, and he had spent too many hours touching it and wanting to do this. 

His mouth was suddenly gone from Alec’s neck, finding the big muscle in the middle of the boy’s lower abdomen. It showed off Alec’s toned and strong stomach, curving it neatly.

“God, I love this one. Your rectus abdominis.”

Another soft sound escaped the shorter one’s mouth, and as Magnus’ lips trailed further downward, Alec moved his hips upwards, searching for friction. 

It was almost too sexy for Magnus to handle, his own jeans were starting to feel achingly tight and it took all he had to not rip off both of their clothes. 

As his mouth brushed the prominent part of Alec’s hip, his hot breath playing on the sensitive skin there, Alec almost whimpered. “Come on,” the boy breathed out. 

“Your crista iliaca,” Magnus whispered, tongue trailing along the bone. He knew that he was driving Alec mad, going as slowly as possible.

And his mouth was so close to reaching something that would give Alec a lot of pleasure. The frustrated, yet lustful sounds leaving the younger one’s mouth were building up the heat inside of Magnus. 

As Magnus kissed along the edge of Alec’s trousers, working slowly and carefully, big, wet hands were suddenly grabbing his shoulders and pulling him upwards. With one, quick, graceful movement Alec turned them around, instantly finding Magnus mouth with his own soft lips. 

A sound of surprise was trapped between the kiss, but the euphoria in Magnus’ body was impossible to miss. It burned within him and had him unable to do anything but put his arms around Alec, needing him closer. 

“You’re such a goddamn tease,” Alec said with his deep, shaky voice. “Let me show you how to do it.”

Magnus couldn’t even resist if he wanted to. He was too deep in this, arousal filling him up and making his body tremble with lust. 

And as Alec pulled off Magnus’ clothes desperately, releasing his already aching cock, the man hardly had the time to protest before he was throwing his head backwards, a whimper of pleasure leaving his mouth. God, what was this boy doing to him? Why was he so desperate for Alec?

He had no idea what was happening, but hardly cared. The warm feeling in his lower stomach was shooting through his body and making his mind blur, eyes falling close and shutting off anything but the feeling of Alec’s heavenly mouth. 


	9. Anna

Alec woke up with a smile still playing on his face. He instantly recognized the familiar smell of Magnus’ warm body and as he opened his eyes, he found the man sleeping peacefully at his side. 

A buzzing sensation was in his body. He felt tired and drained, but in the kind of way that he enjoyed and that reminded him of what had happened last night. The sight of the beautiful man had him scoop closer, placing his hand softly as his cheek to caress it. Small bubbles were already filling up his stomach even though he was still a little bit tired and numb. 

As he leaned in to place a careful kiss at the man’s forehead, Magnus moved underneath the touch. It just made the smile on Alec’s face spread even more. 

“Good morning,” he whispered hoarsely, not really sure if Magnus was waking up or just moving in his sleep. The small sound that filled up the room afterwards revealed that he was no longer asleep, and Alec felt happier than he had in a long time. “Did you sleep well?”

Magnus made another cute sound, hardly moving and clearly, the tiredness was still in his body. Alec caressed his cheek with one thumb, the smooth skin feeling so soft. Everything about Magnus was soft and gorgeous, Alec couldn’t help touching. 

“Sleep,” Magnus mumbled, clearly too tired to form a sentence and it made a laugh escape the younger boy’s mouth. 

He leaned in to place another careful kiss at the man’s forehead, whispering, “I’m awake now. And I have to pee.”

“No,” Magnus protested, reaching out for Alec and pulling him in closer, trapping him in his embrace. The boy’s heart fluttered in his chest, butterflies filling him up. 

He could hardly even bring himself to leave the bed. Both of them were naked, the smell of sex still hung in the air, impossible to overlook. It had been such a long time since Alec had felt like this, he had completely forgotten how it could spread all the way to his toes and make his chest tighten in such a nice way. 

“I have to,” he whispered and placed small kisses all over Magnus, trailing from his cheeks and down to his neck until the man loosened his grip, relaxing underneath Alec’s soft mouth. “But I’ll be back in a moment.”

Magnus was too tired to do much more than just pout in that cute way. Alec laughed at him, getting himself out of bed and searching the floor for his clothes 

He quickly got dressed and realized that his jeans were still wet from yesterday’s rain, but he couldn’t even bring himself to care. The thought of their night together had his heart pick up a little bit of pace, his body was still sticky from the sweat, but he’d just have to grab a shower with Magnus once the man was awake. 

Alec’s hair looked messy in the bathroom mirror. It reminded him of how Magnus’ hands had been buried deep in it, pulling at it while they had done things last night. 

A blush crept to his cheeks at the thought. So he shook his head, trying not to think about it right now.

Simon was in the kitchen, making himself some breakfast by the stove. The kitchen table was still filled with papers and books, Magnus and Alec hadn’t cared enough to clean it up. 

“Good morning,” Alec said as he sat down in one of the chairs. 

Simon turned around to catch a glimpse of Alec, smiling instantly. “Good morning, Alec. You sure look happy.”

Alec just laughed at that comment because of how true it was. It felt so nice to wake up next to Magnus, that was probably his new favorite thing to do in the world. 

“And your hair looks messy,” Simon added, turning back around to cook whatever he was making. It smelled like pancakes, but Alec wasn’t sure. 

“Right, it’s because of the rain. I fell asleep with my hair wet.”

Simon snorted, clearly seeing right through the lie. “Right,” he said. Maybe he had heard them? “And where’s my roommate at? Still sleeping?”

“Oh yeah, he is hardly conscious,” Alec said jokingly, thinking about the tiredness in Magnus’ voice and the cute, little sounds he had made. He kind of wanted to go back to bed with him and curl up underneath his arm, but he wasn’t so tired anymore. 

“Sounds like him,” Simon teased. Alec sensed that all of this was making Simon happy as well, he was in no doubt that the brunette loved his best friend deeply and cared a lot about his happiness. 

“Should I wake him up?” Alec asked. Simon flipped the pan, confirming that it was pancakes he was in the middle of making. It was weird, because Alec had never really had a roommate before. Sure, he had lived with his family, but it still felt new to him to wake up with someone else in the apartment. 

“No, don’t,” Simon said, sounding a little bit careful. “He has been having some trouble sleeping, lately.”

“Oh,” Alec breathed out, instantly wondering why that was. 

“Do you want pancakes? I accidentally made way too many,” the brunette asked.

Alec was just about to answer, his mouth open as the door to the kitchen cracked open and a tired, shirtless Magnus with his hair messy stepped inside. “Yes, thank you,” Alec said, smiling at the beautiful boy who was walking towards him. “And you’re awake, I see.”

“Yes. I couldn’t fall asleep again once you left,” Magnus said hoarsely, rubbing his eyes lazily. 

It was weird how Alec had just seen the scar yesterday after so much time of Magnus hiding it away, and now he was walking into the kitchen shirtless, not even caring. Obviously, Simon knew about it as well, which didn’t exactly come as a surprise.

“Sorry,” Alec said as Magnus embraced him from behind, kissing his cheek softly. “I was about to come back in.” It was only partly true.

“But I liked it better when you hadn’t gotten dressed yet,” Magnus mumbled between small kisses, his arms tightening around Alec’s body. The boy felt like melting underneath the touch, how could it possibly have taken him this long to realize how much he actually liked Magnus? “I like waking up next to your naked body.”

“You guys know that I’m here, right?” Simon reminded them, his back facing them as he flipped another pancake. Alec tried to hold back a blush, his heart fluttering.

“Yes, we are aware,” Magnus teased, his voice still ruined from the sleep. “And I see that you are making us pancakes. How nice of you.” 

Alec snorted and Simon turned around with a spatula in one hand, a playful look in his eyes, about to say something funny. But once his gaze hit the two boys, Magnus still hugging Alec from behind, his expression changed a little bit. 

“Oh,” he said softly, eyes scanning Magnus’ bare chest. “So you told Alec about her.”

Instantly, Alec felt the older man tense, he almost heard his breath catch and he thought about what the man had said yesterday.  _ I don't really like to talk about it.  _ So this was about a girl, some girl that Magnus desperately wanted to keep hidden. 

“Uhm, no,” Magnus stuttered. 

“But the scar...?” Simon asked, confusion flashing his brown eyes. 

Magnus loosened his grip around Alec, straightening up a bit and so many thoughts went through Alec’s head. He turned to look at the man behind him, trying to figure out everything. All that seemed to be on his face was uncomfortableness and nervousness, like every other time they talked about something like this. 

“I showed him the scar, yes.”

“Is this about a girl?” Alec asked, but none of them looked at him. Magnus seemed to fight back the urge to catch a glimpse of Alec, though, his lower lip trembling a little bit. 

“Yes,” he answered, at least. “And it’s not that I don’t want you to know, Alec, I just can’t talk about it right now.”

“Mags,” Simon exhaled, lowering the spatula. Softness instantly found its way to his face, his eyes filling up with concern. Something about the way the name fell from his lips told Alec to let this go. “Don’t do this.”

“It’s alright,” Alec said quietly. He couldn’t really figure out how it made him feel that there was this secret he couldn’t know about. It had always been like this with Magnus, the man was careful to give too much of himself away. 

Alec remembered what Jace had said about Magnus being bisexual. And he shouldn’t have thought of that, because instantly it made him feel an ache inside. It was stupid, really, he didn’t even know the first thing about this girl. She could be his mother. Or his sister. And suddenly Alec was here acting slightly jealous because of the  _ mention  _ of a random girl.

“This is why you have to start talking about it. Now Alec is getting worried,” Simon stated. 

“No, it’s okay, I’m sure-“ Alec started, but Magnus cut him short, not even looking at him. 

“But I don’t want to, okay? And you can’t force me to, so stop bringing it up. I told you already, it’s… hard for me to talk about.”

“You can’t just keep on pushing people away.” Simon’s voice was dripping with desperation, clearly hitting a soft spot that made Magnus’ eyes flicker. 

Alec wished he wasn’t here, sitting in the middle of this. 

A kind of disappointment roamed his body as he realized that Magnus wasn’t going to explain this thing. Maybe he just didn’t trust him enough, yet. 

This was also so new. Silence fell on Magnus, his eyes were getting blank and sad. He just stared at Simon, clearly thinking about every word he had said and for some reason, it broke Alec’s heart a little bit. 

“I should leave,” Alec said quietly, because maybe Simon and Magnus needed to talk about this thing without him being here, hearing everything. 

“No, don’t leave,” the man instantly said, turning to look at Alec with those golden, shiny eyes. “I don’t want you to feel like I’m pushing you away. Do you feel like that?”

“No, but I just don’t understand.” Alec did his best to speak carefully and softly, trying not to break the surface tension on Magnus’ watery, blank eyes. 

Magnus didn’t respond, his chest rose and fell quickly, and Alec realized that he wasn’t speaking because he couldn’t talk about it anymore. 

“But it’s your decision whether or not you want to tell me, of course.”

It felt painful to say the words out loud. This wasn’t the first time Alec felt like this, realizing that Magnus wasn’t comfortable enough to share something personal with him. And keeping on pretending like he didn’t care was draining him. 

“It’s just not important.” 

“Not important?” Simon asked, voice dripping with disbelief. He made a sound from deep in his throat, disappointment flashing his eyes. “I can’t believe you just said that. I  _ know  _ you’re lying.”

The distant look in Magnus’ eyes hurt Alec a little bit. “If you need some time before telling me about this, it’s fine,” he hurried to reassure, scared of what might have happened otherwise. That vulnerable look on Magnus’ face was still so new to him, he couldn’t figure out if he liked it. 

Silence spread between the three, and Magnus and Simon looked at each other with so many unspoken words hanging in the air. After a moment, Magnus blinked quickly, pulling himself back to reality, realizing that Alec was still here. “Sorry about this, Alec,” the man whispered and it made something tighten inside of Alec. 

“You better tell him, then,” Simon gave in. He turned back around, clearly not wanting to look at Magnus any more or discuss this for another second. “And you better do it soon.”

Alec’s body felt numb, too many feelings were running through him for him to decipher them all. A part of him wanted to leave, and had this been only days ago, he would have done just that. 

But he couldn’t. He was falling in love with Magnus and knew that this wasn’t just about something small and stupid, this wasn’t about Magnus not trusting Alec. 

Magnus was hurting, even though he managed to keep a smile on his face and hide away his feelings. And Alec wanted to be there for him. So there was no way that Alec was leaving now, he was going to show Magnus just how much he cared. 

\-----

“You’re awfully quiet,” Clary said without taking her eyes off the painting, moving her brush gracefully. Her red hair was put into a messy bun that hardly kept it out of her face, so she had to use the back of her hand every other minute to get out of her eyes.

“I’m not,” Alec muttered, He sat with his back against the wall, his notebook in his hand. “Just concentrating.”

Clary hummed quietly, taking a step backwards to admire the process of her painting. “What are you drawing, anyways?” she asked as she tilted her head to get a better look, probably trying to figure out which colors to use next.

“Nothing,” Alec said, trying to sound as casual as possible. 

A smile spread on the redhead’s face. “Is it Magnus?”

At that, Alec looked up to meet her green eyes, being met by a playful gaze. She raised a brow. “You’re curious today, huh?” Alec commented. 

She took that as a yes, smiling brightly and putting down the brush while drying off her hands. “Can I see?” she asked as she got closer, leaning in to look at the notebook, but Alec instantly hugged it close to his chest before she managed to catch a glimpse. 

“No, it’s, uhm, personal,” he stuttered. His excuse apparently wasn’t good enough for her. 

She pouted, putting on her usual cute face that Alec always gave in to. But not today, this was not just nothing. “Seriously?” she asked. 

“Yes, I…” Alec trailed off, searching for words. 

“Wait.” Clary crossed her arms, weight shifting to one leg. “Did you draw him naked?”

“Yes. Very naked,” Alec said with a bit of relief in his voice. It was a lie, though, the drawing was of Magnus’ gorgeous features, his tall, lean figure and his bare chest. 

More than anything, the drawing was of the scar which Alec had sworn to never tell anyone about. And that meant not even Clary, even though they were so close and he was dying to let her know what was going through his head. 

“Ew.” She made a funny face. “I don’t want to see, then.”

Waiting for Magnus to figure out this thing was killing Alec. It was hard to have his heart out like this, feeling all of these things for a man who had a hard time explaining things. It felt like putting all of his emotions on display, waiting for someone to run them over and stamp on them. 

Magnus probably didn’t even know how much it was affecting Alec. Whenever the two were together Alec somehow managed to put it aside and not tell Magnus about these thoughts, but at times like this, it all came back to him. 

And god, he was so afraid of ending up one day without the man. He feared more than anything that Magnus would just disappear and not ever be a part of his life again. 

“Clary?” Alec asked.

She had picked up her brushes once again and was hardly paying any attention to him. “Hmm,” she mumbled. 

Alec swallowed, closing the notebook, because he wasn’t in the mood to draw anymore. “What would you do if you found out that Jace was hiding something from you?”

“Something like what?” she asked. 

“You don’t know that. But you know that it’s got nothing to do with you, but he just doesn’t want to tell you about it?”

She frowned, brush still working carefully on the painting. “Is it because he doesn’t want me to know or because he doesn’t want to talk about it?”

The question took Alec a bit by surprise, he widened his eyes and thought about the look on Magnus’ face. “I’m not sure,” he answered unsteadily. 

“Well,” Clary started. She made a small noise, the concentration was on her face for just another second before she turned to look at Alec. “Is Jace keeping something from me?”

“Oh no, it was just… uhm, hypothetical,” Alec tried to explain, not wanting the girl to know that this was really about him and Magnus. He bit his lower lip, the thought of Magnus’ scar and that vulnerable look in his eyes unable to leave his mind. 

Clary sighed. “Alec, sweetie,” she said with concern in her voice. “If Magnus doesn’t want to talk about something, give him time! Until about two weeks ago both of you constantly wanted to hit each other in the face. Don’t blame him for being a little bit careful, protecting himself.”

“But I do all I can to show him that I’m there for him,” Alec explained, feeling so powerless. 

“And eventually, he’ll understand,” she responded. “But right now he is probably too afraid of ending up getting hurt.”

It was hard to hear the words spoken out loud, because Alec knew how true they were. A couple of kisses couldn’t just wipe clean a history of pure hatred, it still threatened to show up again and break both of their hearts. 

Alec just wished that there was a way for him to explain to Magnus how much he was falling in love with him. This feeling in his chest was hurting him, never leaving him and making his ribcage feel achingly tight. 

“Thanks,” he whispered to Clary. “You’re right, I need to stop thinking so much about this.”

She smiled at him softly, saying, “You’ve been so happy lately. And I’m sure Magnus cares about you, he just needs a little bit of time.”

And if that was all Magnus needed, Alec was going to give it to him. 

\----

Another four days passed. Four days of studying together, making cups of coffee and drinking earl grey late in the evening, heads deep in books. Four days of butterflies in Alec’s stomach, of trying to steal kisses whenever Simon wasn’t around. 

Alec felt a million different things all at once, because whenever Magnus was close, Alec couldn’t help himself from touching the man. But whenever he wasn’t, when they were spending a little bit of time apart, he noticed the ache inside. 

Magnus hadn’t mentioned that conversation in the kitchen as much as a single time. He had been smiling, whispering cute nonsense in Alec’s ear and had begged him to spend the night almost every single evening. 

It filled Alec with so many emotions he didn’t understand, and eventually he had given up. Clary was right. He needed to give Magnus time, and there was no reason for him to put this much energy into all of this meanwhile. 

Magnus’ body was so gorgeous that Alec couldn’t keep himself together in the man’s presence. His skin was soft and smooth, his muscles strong and his lips felt too good on Alec’s body. So good that the boy would tremble with need from the softest kisses, craving Magnus’ touches. 

But every morning when he woke up next to Magnus, a couple of minutes before the older one opened his eyes as well, Alec was a little bit afraid. Afraid of losing all of this. 

And the thought was dawning on him right now as well. He caressed Magnus’ cheek and carefully removed the soft hair that had fallen into his eyes, not sure why his chest was tightening so much just by looking at the man. 

Soft sounds came from Magnus every other minute, he had been so cute and tired all day and had finally given in to the need for sleep. So now they were on the couch, Magnus’ head resting on Alec’s chest and both of their bodies covered by a soft blanket that was keeping out the cold. 

Magnus’ hand had sneaked inside of Alec’s shirt before he had drifted off to sleep, so now the warmth of it rested on top of Alec’s heart. 

The younger boy couldn’t help but tighten the grip around Magnus, wanting him even closer than this. 

Simon was humming a melody in the kitchen while the water boiled, but Magnus probably wouldn’t be drinking the cup of coffee he had just requested after all. It made a small smile spread on Alec’s face, because of Magnud and his constant need for coffee. 

“Do you want milk, Mags?” Simon shouted. The man wasn’t moving the slightest bit, and Alec thought about shouting back a ‘no’ because he knew exactly how the older one liked his coffee. 

“He’s asleep,” he said instead, making sure not to raise his voice too much. But Magnus had probably been really tired, he was sleeping so peacefully and deeply that this wasn’t affecting him at all. 

Another minute passed before the boy with the glasses came back in carrying two cups of tea. He gave one to Alec and took the other one himself while sitting down in the chair opposite. 

“I just left the coffee in the pot. He always does this,” Simon teased. He smiled at his best friend with careful eyes. “He seems so happy lately.”

“But really tired,” Alec joked, holding the cup of tea in one hand while his other arm was around Magnus’ body, hand resting on his upper arm. 

Simon snorted, shaking his head at that comment. “This is nothing. You should have seen him two weeks ago.”

A wave of something went through Alec’s body, he looked down at the soft man before him. He kept on forgetting how much things had actually changed, because whenever he looked at Magnus now, all he felt was love. It was like they had never even hated each other. Had never said all of those hurtful things. 

“It feels like I hardly know him sometimes,” Alec said quietly, voice careful. “It’s like he only allowed me to get to know him two weeks ago. For two years he has been trying his best to keep me out.”

Simon sighed. He took a sip of his tea before leaning in to place it on the table, straightening in the chair. “I love Magnus,” he said. “But he has always had a hard time letting people in.” 

“Is it because of that girl?” Alec tried carefully, looking at the man before him to check if he was waking up. He wasn’t, and maybe Alec should be letting go of this, but he just couldn’t. 

“Partly,” Simon said. “She meant a lot to him.”

“Was he in love with her?” Alec had to ask. Saying the words out loud made an ache appear somewhere inside of his body, but he fought to keep himself in place. 

“No,” Simon said slowly, opening his mouth, but seeming to regret the words he was about to say. The boy shifted in the chair before looking back at Alec. “She was actually his sister.”

“Is she dead?” 

The words fell from Alec’s lips before he managed to think them through, and instantly he regretted them. It was just the way Simon said the word ‘was’, it sounded so careful and uncertain, like she wasn’t here anymore, but was still special. 

“Yes,” Simon said quietly, looking away. 

It hit Alec like a punch to the stomach and he instantly felt the pressure built in his throat. His eyes darted towards Magnus, who was still sleeping peacefully with his soft hair falling into his face once again. Alec felt his hand tremble as he softly removed the hair, caressing Magnus’ smooth face, and finally understanding a little bit of his pain.

“I didn’t know,” Alec whispered. 

“He wants you to know, Alec,” Simon told the boy with a regained strength. “He doesn’t like hiding things from you. But he can’t even talk to me about it, he insists on pretending like nothing has happened.”

“How long ago is it?” Alec had to know, feeling all of these questions building inside of him. He had spent so much time now being left with his own thoughts, wondering what all of this was about. Finally, some of the pieces were coming together.

“Three years.” 

“Wow,” Alec exhaled. He put down the cup of tea, not wanting it after all. 

Simon stared out into the open air, suddenly a soft, sad look found his eyes. He smiled halfheartedly, like someone would when thinking about a long lost, loved memory. “I’ve never seen siblings as close as Anna and Magnus. Our parents knew each other, so the three of us were always friends. Me and Magnus were the same age, Anna was only a year younger than us. She was a determined girl, she knew what she wanted and who she was. Magnus was always so protective of her, but really there was no reason to. Anna didn’t need his protection, she was fine by herself.”

Alec listened with his breath caught, not wanting to miss a single word. He saw a picture before him, imagined the three of them as kids, having each other and no one else. 

Simon paused, looking at his hands. “Well, until she wasn’t,” he said sadly. Alec sensed something in the way Simon talked about this girl, a kind of admiration that seemed to hang in the words. 

“What happened?” Alec dared to ask, not knowing if he was crossing any lines. The fear of Magnus waking up was all over him, but if what Simon had said earlier was true, it was maybe for the best that Alec learned the truth through someone that wasn’t Magnus. 

“When Anna turned twelve, her back started aching from time to time. She would always describe it as a piercing pain, one that showed on her left side right underneath her ribcage. Sometimes it would last only seconds, sometimes hours or even days. Whenever the attacks came, she would throw up and feel so sick that she could hardly move. She never screamed, she wasn’t that type of person, but her eyes would always burn with pain.”

“Renal calculus,” Alec said carefully.

“Yes, kidney stones. That’s what the doctors concluded,” Simon explained. His eyes were still distant, flickering as the words left his mouth.

“But it wasn’t?” They had already gone through the kidney at medical school, and Alec knew what the symptoms of kidney stones were more than anything. It was a common and very painful condition, and sometimes it would pass quickly, but if it lasted for too long it could actually be quite dangerous. 

Simon didn’t answer the question, he carried on with the explanation. “At the age of fourteen, she had a specifically bad attack. It was almost unbearable to see her in that much pain, she kept on saying it was alright when we offered to call the hospital. Keep in mind, this happened often back then. Her parents tried to convince her to go, but she said that it would pass eventually if we gave her time. So Magnus and I stayed by her bed for almost three days, waiting for her to get better. But she only got worse.”

“If the flow through the kidney is blocked for that many days, the kidney will just end up getting infected. That sounds really dangerous,” Alec said nervously, hand tightening around Magnus’ arm without his own notice. 

“The kidney got infected. Her whole body was in fact infected once she finally ended up going to the hospital, and they instantly removed the left kidney, explaining to us that there was no way of saving it,” Simon said. He shifted in the chair as the thought was on his mind, Alec wondered why this was affecting him as much, too. Was Simon in love with Anna?

“That rarely happens,” Alec couldn’t help but add. “The stone must have blocked the whole passage.”

“They discovered anomalies in her ureter when they removed the kidney, clearly that was the reason for the many kidney stones,” Simon explained, and instantly things started making sense to Alec. It was also a relatively common condition, but usually not a fatal or dangerous one. 

“And the other one?” he asked. 

“They scanned her and discovered the same on her right side, but ended up sending her home. There wasn't much they could do about it. And almost instantly, the attacks were back, and every time she went to the hospital with an attack, they told her to wait a few hours and see if it would pass.”

“Oh no,” Alec exhaled, swallowing as he realized exactly what had happened. “That must have put a lot of pressure on her last kidney.”

“For six years, she lived with a hard-working kidney and the attacks started affecting her more and more. She was so careful, she made sure to drink a lot of water and stay away from food that tended to form kidney stones. Magnus, her and I moved into this apartment the year she turned 20. Magnus wasn’t letting her out of sight and she was starting to get tired so easily, to feel sick more often,” Simon continued. 

“Was she your girlfriend?” Alec had to ask the question, this apartment wasn’t big enough for three people unless two would be sharing the same room. And the way Simon spoke of Anna was filled with love, every careful word said with a burning affection. 

“Yes, and I was so deeply in love with her. I was worried about her, I kept on fearing what might happen to her.”

Alec swallowed, looking at the careful rise and fall of Magnus’ chest, the soft flickering of his eyes behind his eyelids and his hot breath on Alec’s chest. “And what about Magnus?” he asked, voice just above a whisper. 

“Anna meant everything to Magnus. He tried not to make a big deal out of it in front of her, he knew it would only make her worry, but I know how scared he was. If she was at the grocery store, he would be on his toes, waiting for her to call him and tell him that she was on her way to the hospital with another attack.” 

Alec had to remind himself to breathe, it was like a lump was starting to form in his throat. He knew what was coming, knew how the story was to end and had most of it figured out inside of his head. Still, he feared the words that Simon was to say next. 

“And it was weird, because she was my girlfriend. We spent so much time together, but whenever the attacks hit her, it wasn’t my hand she searched for. It was his, because she felt so safe around him. She knew that he wasn’t going to let anything happen to her. So that one evening, a couple of weeks after she turned 21, it was his room she came barging into with the pain piercing her body.”

“Oh no,” Alec exhaled, pressure building behind his chest. 

“I called an ambulance, because she was paler than usual and her whole body shook with pain. She even started crying after a few moments, it was the first time I saw her cry like that,” Simon said quietly. He dried off his hands in his trousers, clearly starting to sweat just by talking about this. Alec almost couldn’t bear to hear the last of this. 

“Once we got to the hospital we were met by a young doctor. I still remember his face, he seemed so uninterested, hardly even looked at Anna or asked us any questions before deciding that it wasn’t anything serious. Magnus tried to explain to him that she only had one kidney, but he wouldn’t hear it. He told us that having kidney stones wasn’t a serious condition, that she would have to wait until the next morning and then go see her regular doctor. This wasn’t acute, he said.”

“What? Her kidney was going through so much stress, she could be suffering with urgent kidney failure. And with just one kidney left… I mean that’s serious, that’s…” Alec started with a sudden strength in his voice, but trailed off as Simon’s eyes turned distant.

“Magnus of course refused. He screamed at the man, tried to get him to call in another doctor to get a second opinion. And all I remember is this uninterested look on the man’s face while he stood there with his arms crossed, waiting for us to finish talking. All Magnus seems to remember, though, is his eyes.”

“His eyes? Why?” Alec asked with a careful voice.

Simon’s gaze turned a little bit sympathetic, he smiled sadly as the memory flashed his mind. Alec tried to understand. “Because they were incredibly blue. They shined so brightly, exactly like yours does. You look so much like him, Alec.”

It hit Alec like a punch, making his whole body ache instantly. He wanted to protest, but there was nothing he could possibly say to that statement. And everything else that had happened for the past two years suddenly made so much sense. This was why Magnus had always hated Alec, had gotten so annoyed with him whenever he did bad in a subject or didn’t understand the stuff. 

And his voice had changed in so many ways as he dared to speak, saying, “What happened then?” But really, he couldn’t focus on what happened next because this was on his mind, hurting him so deeply that he felt his bones ache. 

“After two hours of refusing to leave, another doctor was finally called in to give a second opinion. Anna was hardly moving by then, and when Magnus told the doctor about her kidney, she sent Anna directly to the operation table, panic spreading in her eyes. She looked directly at Magnus and asked him how many kidneys he had left. And that was it.”

“Magnus donated one of his kidneys,” Alec stated. He had been expecting the story to end this way, but it still managed to take him by surprise.

“Yes,” Simon said quietly. “We were split up, then. I went with Anna while Magnus was sent somewhere to go through the operation alone.” 

Alec shook his head. This story was too much for him, it was too painful to hear, because this was Magnus. Magnus was such a strong person, not vulnerable and hurt. 

“Once Magnus woke up from the operation, she had already died. Her body had been too weak to accept the kidney, and Magnus feels guilty for not having been there to hold her hand when it happened.”

Alec took in a deep breath, keeping himself in check. “And what about the young doctor?”

“He was fired instantly. But Magnus still blames him so much. After all of this he became so _ bitter _ ,” Simon said, eyes looking at his hands. Then he reached out for his tea, but only took a small sip before putting it back again, probably because it had gotten cold. 

“Wow,” Alec breathed out, not sure what else to say. Simon had told the story with so many feelings behind his voice, Alec could only imagine how all of this was affecting Magnus. 

But he was so glad to know. It made his stomach twitch, a pressure spreading all over his body, but it was a part of Magnus that the man couldn’t hide away forever. It was too much of a burden to carry alone. 

“Magnus signed up for medical school three days after her death,” Simon added, bringing Alec back from his thoughts. So many things suddenly made sense, everything that Magnus had done and that Alec had spent years trying to figure out. 

If anything, it made Alec fall even more in love with the man before him. It made him appreciate the way the scar looked against his golden brown skin. It made him forgive the burning hate the man had felt, but also made him realize that it had nothing to do with him. 

Alec leaned down and placed a soft kiss at Magnus’ forehead. He hugged him closer. 

Anna had been so lucky to have Magnus in her life, but Alec reminded himself of how lucky he was, as well. He just hadn’t been appreciating it enough, he had been focussing on stupid things that hardly even mattered. 

Of course the past mattered. The past was important, because without the past, both of them would have been completely different. But Alec also knew that at some point they both had to let go of it and think about the future. He was ready to forgive everything and forget, he just hoped Magnus would be ready for the same.


	10. Foundation

The exam was coming up sooner than Alec had been expecting it to. Him and Magnus had been trapped in their small bubble of love, completely losing track of time. Before they knew it, they were going on the last few days before the exam, getting ready with the final stuff. 

“Do you want me to ask Jace to help me out with the palpation at the exam? I’m sure he wouldn’t mind,” Alec asked a few nights before the big day. He tried his best not to make a big deal out of it, but ever since his talk with Simon, he had been afraid of pressuring Magnus too much. 

“No. Why?” Magnus asked without letting his eyes leave the book, his soft hair falling into his face. Alec swallowed, feeling his body fill with heat just by looking at the man. 

“Well, because of the scar. You’ll have to take off the shirt at the exam when it’s my turn to palpate.” It felt like something forbidden to talk about, just saying the word ‘scar’ made Alec’s heart beat a little bit faster. 

Magnus smiled with his head still in the book before putting a finger underneath the sentence he had been in the middle of reading. Then he turned to look at Alec, eyes soft. “You’re sweet. But I think it’s about time that I do this.”

“But you don’t have to,” Alec reassured. “I mean, not if it makes you feel… exposed.”

“I’m an adult. I can’t keep avoiding it forever,” Magnus said with a careful voice. And suddenly Alec felt a little bit protective, even though Magnus had always been an independent person. Since his talk with Simon he had had a constant need to take care of the man. 

He wanted to argue with Magnus’ statement, but didn’t want to give away this spark inside of him. The older one probably didn’t want him to worry this much. “If it reminds you of something, you don’t have to do it. It’s alright.”

Magnus blinked quickly, saying, “I know Simon told you about Anna. You don’t have to pretend like you don’t know about it.”

Alec hadn’t been expecting him to say that. “Did you hear us talk about it?” he asked softly, thinking about how peaceful Magnus’ face had looked that evening. His breath had felt so steady and careful, giving away that he had been deep in his sleep.

“No,” Magnus answered. “Simon told me afterwards. But I think it was actually for the best. I trust you.”

“Oh,” Alec exhaled, not really sure what else to add. He felt his body relax, cheeks starting to feel warm with Magnus’ careful eyes on him. 

Magnus smiled softly. “You’re blushing.”

“Yeah, I know,” Alec started, his hands coming up to hide his cheeks. He chuckled a bit, gaze flickering. “It’s just that sometimes when you say stuff like that, reality kind of hits me. Things are just so different.”

The older one finally closed the book. He held out a hand so it rested on the table between them, palm facing upwards. 

“I like it a lot,” he said, smiling as Alec put one of his hands into Magnus’. The man's hands were warm and safe, Alec felt the butterflies beat their wings inside of his stomach at the sensation. 

“Me too,” he whispered. “But I’m still trying to get used to it.”

Getting used to being in love with Magnus was impossible. And deep down, Alec didn’t want to get too used to it. The small sparks of affection in his stomach and the way his heart would start beating suddenly fast in the man’s presence reminded him of everything they had been through together. 

“Can I ask you something?” Alec said carefully after a short moment, his mind running wild. There was something he had been thinking about ever since his talk with Simon that had felt like a weight on his shoulders. But now he could finally ask Magnus about it. 

“Always.” Magnus squeezed the boy’s hand, his soft, golden eyes looking warm and welcome. 

“Do you think maybe Simon keeps on pressuring you to talk about Anna, because actually  _ he _ needs to talk about her?”

Magnus frowned. “What do you mean?” he asked.

Alec hesitated a little bit, swallowing and trying to think of how to put it. He didn’t want to say something wrong. 

“Maybe he tries to suppress his feelings, because you handle the pain that way. And then automatically he does the same.” The way Magnus’ hand loosened slightly around the younger one’s warned him that he had crossed a line. “Of course, I don’t know anything about this, it’s just the feeling I got when I spoke to him. It seemed like he hadn’t really talked about the whole thing before.”

A moment passed where something flashed the golden gaze, something Alec couldn't decipher. 

“I haven’t really thought of that,” the older one said quietly. 

“Has he ever… like, been with other girls?” Alec asked. 

“No, never.”

Magnus silently got up from the chair and went to the kettle to boil some water, making himself a cup of coffee, probably. Maybe it was too much to talk about, so Alec decided to just let the topic pass. The empty feeling in his hand told him that they weren’t quite there yet. 

As the sound of the water heating started filling up the silence, Magnus dared to say something. “Do you think he is having a hard time forgetting about her because of that?”

“I don’t think he means to forget about her, I just think he needs to come to peace with the fact that she isn’t here anymore,” Alec spoke slowly, the words dawning on him as he said them out loud. He couldn’t see Magnus’ face, the man was facing the wall, waiting by the kettle. 

He sighed. “I wish he had just told me.”

“It’s always hard to reach out for help,” Alec stated quietly. 

“You’re right.” Magnus pulled out two cups from the cabinet, grabbing both the instant coffee and a tea bag of earl grey in one of the drawers. “I need to talk to him. Ask him how he is. He is my best friend after all.”

Alec couldn’t help but smile a little bit. He couldn’t help but think of how much both of them had grown. It had surprised him how good they actually were for each other, how crazily much their opinions mattered to the other one. 

“That sounds like a good idea,” Alec said softly. 

Alec would be here to support just the smallest steps of progress. Those words coming from Magnus’ mouth were definitely a good start, Alec was very proud. 

But right now they both needed to get back to anatomy. Time was running up. 

\-------

Two days had passed since the exam. Magnus was locking Simon’s stupidly small bike outside of Alec’s apartment door, taking off his gloves as blood sang in his ears. He had hurried so much that his legs ached and his breathing was still rapid and shallow.

He hurried inside with a quick pumping heart, his cheeks cold but body warm. One of the things he liked about autumn.

Two days felt like nothing, but at the same time he had just been wandering around, waiting for this moment. 

“Guys,” he yelled as he threw open the door, instantly recognizing the familiar smell of Alec’s place. It smelled like warmth and safety, all that the boy was as well. “Did you check yet?”

“In here,” Alec said from the kitchen, not answering the question. Magnus threw off his coat and boots and found the gorgeous boy sitting by the kitchen table with a cup of tea while Jace leaned against the counter with a grin. 

“I did,” Jace said. “I got a B.” Magnus smiled widely, at which Jace chuckled, a sparkle in his eyes. “But Alec didn’t want to check without you being here.”

“Well, what if I’m going to  _ fail _ ,” the boy said with his usual cute, worried tone that instantly got Magnus’ lips to curl into a smile. 

“Are you kidding? You did amazing,” Magnus exhaled. He still hadn’t caught his breath, but couldn’t really focus so much on that right now. 

It pricked in his fingers to run to Alec and pull him into a warm kiss, but with Jace in the room, he wasn’t really sure if it would be okay. Instead he stepped closer and reached out for the computer on the table, turning it around. It was logged on to Jace’s account and showed his B.

“But Heart and Lungs…” Alec stuttered out nervously at Magnus’ side, the sound of his hoarse, careful voice had Magnus’ head spin. 

“Also went well,” Jace finished the sentence as he pushed himself off the counter to walk closer. They had all been waiting for this moment for the past two months, there was no need for them to delay it any further.

“I’m going to check now.” Magnus tried to push away the sensation in his body that always seemed to fill him up when Alec was there. Right now he needed to know if he had passed, afterwards he’d think about him and Alec. 

He hurried to type in his username and password, feeling both of their gazes on him. 

He wasn’t exactly nervous, he was more excited. He could have checked at home, but honestly, all that had been on his mind as he had found out that the grades had been published had been Alec. So here he was, making sure that the boy was alright.

A few more clicks and the grade showed. 

“Amazing,” Alec exhaled ironically. “Now I’m even more nervous.”

“An A. You’re too smart, dude,” Jace teased, receiving a dead stare from Alec, saying something along the lines of  _ you’re not helping _ . Had Magnus been listening a little more closely, he could probably have heard the blue eyed boy’s heart beating threateningly fast behind his ribs. 

“I can’t do this,” Alec mumbled, leaning back in the chair with his tea in his hand. Magnus feared that he was going to insist on not checking. “I’m too nervous.”

“Isn’t it better just to get it over with?” Jace asked. And maybe Magnus and Jace didn’t understand the boy’s fear and frustrations because they had never tried to open their grades to discover an F. Magnus couldn’t even imagine the feeling of it, would he be disappointed or just purely….  _ shocked _ ?

“Will you check for me, Mags?” Alec said softly, looking at the man with big, blue eyes. 

“Of course.” Magnus could never deny Alec anything, especially not when he had that cute look on his face. And it was weird, because that exact look used to get his blood to boil with anger. Now it filled him with love and made his heart pick up pace, reminding him of how crazily much the boy affected him.

He quickly typed in Alec’s information, Jace coming closer to lean in over the computer to get a better look as well. Alec made a cute, frustrated sound and turned his face away so he couldn’t see the screen. 

“If I fail, don’t tell me, okay?” he mumbled nervously, getting Magnus’ cheeks to blush because of how sweet he was. Jace just laughed. 

“Shut up Alec, you’re not gonna fail,” the blonde brother said, his way of being supportive and understanding. It had always been a mysterium to Magnus how the two could possibly be brothers, they were nothing alike, hardly even looked like one another. 

He and Anna had looked so much alike. She had had the same slightly crooked, golden eyes, but her eyes had shined even more brightly. All of the characteristics of Magnus’ face was on her face as well, the only difference was that her feminine expression made them seem more gorgeous. 

They had never really been into the same things, but everything Anna talked about, Magnus grew to like. It was still hard for him to really understand how much he actually missed her. 

He was brought back to reality by another frustrated sound filling up the room, revealing that Alec was trapped in a sort of life crisis and didn’t know how to cope from the moment. And even with the many thoughts on his mind, Magnus couldn’t help but smile.

Then the grades popped up. “B in anatomy and C in heart and lungs,” he said happily.

“I told you. You had nothing to worry about,” Jace exclaimed, throwing one hand dramatically into the air. “I don’t even know why you were that nervous in the first place.”

“Now it’s all over,” Magnus said. He caught Alec’s eyes, watching carefully as relief filled him up and made him relax a little bit in the chair. 

It had been only two days since he had last seen Alec, but that was more than enough time for him to start missing the boy. And now that he was here, he just wanted to touch him and have him as close as possible. It was such a weird feeling that he was still trying to get used to, a feeling he had to learn how to get under control. 

“I’m gonna call Clary and tell her that we all passed,” the blonde brother announced, grabbing the phone on the counter. “Otherwise she’ll just get mad.”

The tone in Jace’s voice turned softer the second his girlfriend picked up her phone, he left the kitchen and shut the door carefully behind himself. 

Magnus just watched Alec’s soft features for a moment before he leaned down to place a soft kiss at the boy’s forehead. He felt the dark hair tickle his lips, the sensation filled him with bubbles, because god, he was never going to not feel this way around Alec.

“Thanks,” Alec said, laughing a little bit. Probably because he knew Magnus couldn’t help himself from doing this. 

With the smell of the younger one’s soft hair still all around him, Magnus forced himself to pull back. He did his best to keep his beating heart in check as he sat down in the chair next to Alec. 

“You look happy,” he teased, chuckling as Alec took a sip of his tea. Magnus didn’t have to ask to know that it was earl grey. “Now we’re going to have so much time to do the things we like. How weird is that going to be?” 

The younger boy smiled. He tilted his head, a soft look spreading to his bright, blue eyes, a look Magnus was growing to love more and more with every day that passed. “I like studying with you, actually,” he said. It for some reason made Magnus’ chest tighten. 

“How about we don’t stop doing that, then?” the older one asked. 

A soft noise came from Alec’s mouth, it sounded like agreement, then he took another sip of tea. 

Magnus was reminded of something, shifting in the chair. “I have to tell you something,” he said carefully. 

“What is it?” 

“I talked to Simon,” the older one explained. Surprise spread on Alec’s face, his hand tightening a bit around the cup of tea. “I think you were right. I’ve just been too self-centered to notice.”

“You’re not self-centered,” Alec stated softly. “Self-centered is not caring. I know you care.”

Alec always had a way of putting things into words that would make them sound so helpful and supportive. It was just weird, because the boy had always faced so much resistance himself, had never really had that much support and safety in his life. And that had somehow managed to make him the most caring and observant person Magnus knew.

“I really do. I care a lot about him,” Magnus said. 

“What did Simon say?” Alec wanted to know. Magnus wondered if the boy could sense that the topic made him feel a little bit uncomfortable, it was taking him some time to get used to talking about all of this. 

He had spent years hiding it all away, pretending like it wasn’t true. Digging it up again took effort, but he was willing to fight for this if it would mean helping Simon. And maybe also help himself in the end. 

“That he misses her. That he still thinks about her a lot. That he knows that she was his soulmate and that he’ll probably never fall in love again.”

“Oh Simon,” Alec exhaled, placing the cup on the table. “Do you think that it is true?”

“Of course,” Magnus said.

“I mean Simon never falling in love again?” Alec clarified. It was not what Magnus had been expecting him to say. 

“Honestly,” he started, his body a little bit tense. “I can’t imagine Simon with anyone but Anna. I mean, I want him to fall in love with someone else, but I just can’t see the scenario inside of my head.”

Alec smiled in a way that seemed both soft and sad, his bright blue eyes shining with that certain sparkle. “One day he’ll find a girl who understands, but wants to be with him anyways, because Simon is a great guy.”

“I suppose,” Magnus said carefully. “The thought is just a little bit weird.”

“You wouldn’t mind, right? I know she was your sister, but…” Alec trailed off, putting down the tea that wasn’t completely empty yet. Everything inside of Magnus wanted to change the subject, but he knew it wasn’t simple as that. 

“She is not here anymore. But Simon is, and he deserves to be happy.” 

At that, Alec’s lips curled into a small smile, his eyes blinking quickly. He leaned over and placed a soft kiss on top of Magnus’ lips, one hand coming up to hold his cheek. The soft sensation relaxed the slightly tense feeling inside of Magnus, reminding him of everything he had gone through with Alec. 

Before he knew it, the softness was gone and Alec was pulling backwards slightly, breath still lingering on Magnus’ skin. “Simon is lucky to have you,” he whispered, reaching out for Magnus’ hand. The man just smiled.

And the moment could have lasted forever, Magnus sure wouldn’t have minded, but Jace came back inside with Clary still on the phone. 

“Guys, Clary thinks we should all celebrate tonight. Wouldn’t that be fun?” he asked happily, recieving nods from both of the boys in the kitchen. 

“Alright, they think it’s a good idea. I’ll ask Izzy to join,” he informed his girlfriend on the other end of the phone, walking back out. 

“You should ask Simon to come as well,” Alec said. 

\-------

“So you play the guitar, Simon?” Clary asked, sounding interested as she poured him a glass of wine. 

“Yeah, I’m in a band,” he let her know. Magnus rolled his eyes, sending Alec that certain gaze that always made the boy smile.

“Cool. What’s your band called,” Jace wanted to know from the kitchen, having followed the conversation with half an ear. He looked out through the door, a dish towel hanging from his arm. It had always been a family thing to suck at cooking, but recently Clary had been trying to teach her boyfriend the art of it. Alec hoped he had gotten better. 

“Maybe you’ve heard of us,” Simon said happily, Magnus quietly adding a “you have not,” underneath his breath before Simon continued while ignoring his friend. “We’re called Rock Solid Panda.”

“Rock Solid Panda?” Clary asked just to be sure she hadn’t misheard. It was so clear on her face that she tried not to show her dislike of the name. Alec was holding back a laugh. 

“I thought you were called Sexist Pigs?” Magnus said, looking confused as Clary poured him some wine as well. 

“We changed it,” was all that the dark haired boy with the glasses said. Alec couldn’t help but think the surprised look on Magnus’ face was kind of cute. 

“I like Rock Solid Panda better than Sexist pigs,” Clary said, trying to sound positive. She sent a soft smile at the brunette. 

“I don’t like any of them.” Simon narrowed his eyes at Magnus, who had made the comment, the look saying  _ I don’t believe you  _ and Magnus just laughed at his friend. 

As no one else said anything further about the band, Alec decided to change the subject. “When is Izzy coming?” he asked the redhead. 

“Soon I hope.”

“That’s your sister, right?” Simon asked. Alec crossed his legs, reaching out for his own glass of wine. 

“Yes. She’s the youngest,” he said, taking a sip. She was always late so it didn’t really come as a surprise to him. 

As the thought was on his mind, the sound of a front door opening filled the room. 

“Oh finally,” Clary exhaled. “About time Izzy” she yelled sarcastically, going to the entrance to greet the brunette. The two had always been close, but both had also been surrounded by boys their entire lives, so maybe it made sense. They were nothing alike, though. 

“Is she always late?” Magnus asked teasingly because of the look in Alec’s eyes. 

The younger one snorted, straightening in the chair. “Oh yeah, always,” he said, but with a hint of love hidden behind the words. 

“Alec!” Izzy exclaimed happily as she walked inside, walking into her brother’s arms, who had gotten up to greet her. He pulled her in closely. “Congratulations on the exam. I’m so proud.”

He laughed at her, enjoying the familiar smell of her hair. “Thank you,” he said before releasing her. 

“And  _ finally  _ I get to meet you. I’ve heard a lot about you,” she said, looking at Magnus with a big smile. “Alec talks about you all the time. The Great Magnus Bane.”

Simon had been in the middle of a sip of wine, but suddenly bursted out in laughter so the wine flew through the air. 

“Oh god, please don’t tell me he calls me that,” Magnus said, looking at Alec with testing eyes. 

“The Great Magnus Bane,” Simon repeated, laughing even harder as he said the words out loud himself. “People call you that?”

“I do, sometimes,” Alec teased, loving the annoyed look on Magnus’ face. He sent an apologetic smile, leaning down to kiss the man at his cheek as if saying  _ sorry.  _

“And who are you, cute-guy-laughing-at-the-things-I-say?”

“You stay away from Simon, Izzy?” Alec ordered. 

“So Simon it is?” the dark haired girl asked, narrowing her eyes at the boy and putting a hand to her hip. She knew just how to get the boys to fall for her. 

“Oh  _ please,  _ if your sister thinks I’m cute, she’s allowed to tell me,” Simon said. He was however blushing a little bit, maybe just because of how much he had been laughing a moment ago. 

“I’d be careful if I were you, Izzy,” Magnus commented with a big smile. “Simon has a thing for sisters.”

And Alec didn’t know if he was supposed to laugh, he and Simon both just looked at Magnus in surprise, trying to process the words. Alec was sure that he had misheard something.

“What?” Magnus asked because of their stares. “Am I not allowed to say that?” 

Simon seemed to come back to reality, shaking his head as if accepting what had just happened. A happy look was in his eyes as he said with a joking, slightly surprised tone, “Well, you didn’t have to out me in front of Alec’s hot sister.”

Magnus smiled. “Well, it’s not nearly as embarrassing as your band name.”

“You’re in a band?” Izzy asked, sounding impressed. 

Simon sent Magnus a poisonous look before smiling at Izzy. “Yes. I’m the lead singer and the guitarist.”

“What’s the band name?” she of course had to ask. 

“Guys, dinner’s ready,” Clary said from the kitchen, the smell of food spreading in the apartment. 

Alec got up with a smile, picking up his wine as Simon said, “We’re called Rock Solid Panda.”

“That’s a cool name. I like pandas.”

“Yeah? You should come and hear us play sometime,” Simon suggested happily, Alec just enjoyed the light that shone in Magnus’ eyes. He bumped his shoulder into the man’s as they walked towards the kitchen, getting him to look his way. 

“What?” Magnus asked softly, putting one arm around the boy and pulling him a little closer.

“Nothing. I just like this.” And he wasn’t even focussing on the conversation Simon and Izzy were having behind him, he was just focussing on the warmth of Magnus and the safety he felt inside. The slight sound of laughter from behind and the smell of food in the apartment made him so happy

“Me too,” Magnus said softly. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soo, it's done! Thank you for wanting to read the story. I know some of you didn't really like the harsh tone between our two boys and that's alright. Maybe it's just me and my badboy-complex trying to feel satisfied. Also, I couldn't help but throw in some Sizzy - Simon deserves happiness as well. It's been fun writing this and thank you for all of your amazing comments, they never failed to make me smile! xxxx


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